heaven and anorexia

so im actually reading a book called feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jeffers phd and i always had self help motivational books on my list of lamest things ever right beside decaf and yanni but you know at some poin you have to say well why not. except for the yanni thing. so anyway im going to repeat these 4 truths everyday and since i feel like a total dork for doing that ive decided to do it at work so i can torture my co workers most notably charles-randy who i will undoubtedly pass this book along to after im done with bc sharing insights on how to deal iwth depression and anxiety and the fact that we always felt very very ugly has been a constant bonding factor in our friendship. Like wow you've hate yrself since jr high?!?! ME TOO! Cool, here read Be Here Now its so zen-like. And then it sort of went on like we cross reference therapists and stuff but at he same time we are like you know maybe there is nothing wrong iwth us maybe we just suck. but then we will go into a total Defense of Antidepressants rant and defend Depression as a disease so yeah, needless to say we are on the same page about alot of things. Which kind of makes work fun. sometimes. Anyway so yeah im gonna read this book and stop having panic attacks when i try to apply to grad school or send art to galleries.
BC PANIC usually leads me to thinking that if i could just lose 5lbs everything would be just gravy anyway and i mean, who cares about skinny supermodes and all that i really just look at Grey's Anatomy or the skeletons in my drawing books and drool over the bones..yes i really want to be THAT THIN. Its my bones, i can t help them, then just WANT OUT. which leads me to the a cool clip of a movie i want to see that addresses the ED


which i was really excited about
but then i found out that in the plot
lydia gets darcy to try to teach her to be anorexic
and im kinda hoping htis movie doesnt lump or stereo type or
what have you but
anyway
im hoping its
good
however i freaking know
JUST KNOW THIS: is gonna be good


like so good i just want to cry.
bc patti is IT
truly

and im going to buy all of her books now
i mean to already but i didnt bc
i was buying how to train yr dog not to tear shit up and walk on a leash even though my dog
tears shit up constantly and i dont even care anymore im like handing her stuff to tear up like i barter with her.
here, LE, you can tear up this box and this magazine and this shoe and give me back that other shoe and my bra.
little Dog Queen of My Life. So basically i break alot of the how to raise yr dog rules bu tat least i know them.
and i know fear, too but im gonna read this other book and get a handle on fear AND then
im gonna order patti smith bc just hearing one of her songs blows my mind and this trailer was like
an affirmation and more than i believe, any slef help could do..EVER.
Her and Jane Goodall better get put in charge of heaven or im not going

cold as ice colored stripes

In a Hammock
looking at Schiele
eating snocones
Was Egon chauvnist? Misogynist? i hate to think so but i read that some thought so. i almost dont want to konw.
i just want to stare at the rigid lines
indicating a furious energy
scrawled lovingly
at naked bodies

kiss the sky

This pic was taken at red river, Brooks took it with a wide angle lens
which is why i loook sooo loooooong and tallllllllll'

ellie was there and we ran round and round and ellie got to chase birds and ellie LOVES.
to chase birds. She gets this look of PURE doggie GLEE!
and there were so many of them she would start chasing one
and then change to another one and so eventually she was just
running around in circles and zig zagging all over the place.
it was so funny. Then she would run up to me adn jump like
ohmigod can yu believe it!! birds! birds! BIRDSSSS!!!!!
and it was about 7:30 so it had cooled off some and i ran pretty far, down to the water just me and ellie.
She stays close to me and if she gets far ahead she will look back, stop and wait.
I found a crumbled turtle shell and some enormous thorns.
Later we looked at my new Egon Schiele book and took some photographs at odd angles for me to draw from.
Ellie slept all the way home. i bet she dreamed about birds.