i was

"She thinks she can warn the stars." is one of my favorite lines from Anne Sexton's The Black Art.

december

its like christmas is kinda messin up my winter right now

new blades in the rain

Disappearing can be easier than you may imagine. Things are so wonderful it is like you are faking it. and you are, so its okay. Children getting shot in the street and in your careful boots and raincoat you walk home, 4blocks from chaos. We are changing inside finally, it took long enough. I am in disguise, I cut off my hair, I gained 30 pounds. They can't find me now, they cant feel me. I'm safe in the slums, no ghosts.
I found a bottle of pain pills in my bag. We went to drawing class and the model was so stunning. Familar in my hand, the pencil maybe... but no.... my movements were foreign.

skeleton key tattoo
an old friend mails me an early 80s broken alarm clock for xmas. It is like i can't stop laughing. We are all so imperfect.

I like night sky

“there was a star riding through clouds one night, and i said to the star, ‘consume me’.”
— Virginia Woolf, The Waves

perhaps...

“All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. ... Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.”

“The aim is to balance the terror of being alive with the wonder of being alive.”

So these quotes are from Carlos Castaneda and even though he was full of shit in a lot of ways, especially when he got old and was kind of a dirty old man leading a cult and convincing chicks to die with him, i think that he had some pretty brilliant insight in his younger days even if it was brought on by peyote or whatever kind of astral projection power root his ass got a hold of.... i don't know about paths or whatever but we are certainly moving in some direction like it or not and well anyway it is something to think about bc I, for one, am both in terror and wonder of ...like, my own damn neighborhood....

what it takes

It feels so good to let go. Well, it is actually excruciating -  but it is like running, at some point in the pain, a euphoria from nowhere fills you up. The exhaustion accumulates in the realization that there is nowhere else to go, nothing else to do and you know what you must do and then it sort of blanks out. white screen. And you have a lot of sweat and some self doubt still, but you know the worst part is over. and that you won't be the same no more. and you glide.

We walked like trees that had escaped the ground.

"Well, he hates it when I smoke, so this won't last long."
"That was an abrupt and devious move."
"I hate your handwriting." and "If you were someone else, this would be easier."

There is a certain color of December sky that causes instant depression the second my eyes hit it.


We walked to the river and the beach is now gone because the water rose up. The river covered the sand. The place had changed considerably and so had I.
 

I explained it to her, and she said, "Well, is that something you want to change?"
My brow crinkled and I paused. "I...I don't know..."
"Oh yes! Yes, honey it is. That is something you want to change" was her reply.

"On the other hand, some people are just no good at being earnest."

dirty streets

shadows and sand

through dirty glass, i don't want to get over it. Even if i could, i don't think i even want to.

 

and that is just how i feel right now.