My wedding dress

So I am driving with a friend through some rural area and we pull over to check the map. I see this clothes hanger on a branch..."LOOK! Its my wedding dress! I found it!" is the first thing that pops out of my mouth. My friend insists on photographing me with it. It's perfect isn't it?

I am Patchwork

 

Stiches and scabs. This is where the healing begins. This is where you make it happen, how you keep going how you swear to the sky you won't give up. I want to give up. i want to dig a shallow hole in cool damp earth and feel it press against my back and shoulder blades and dig in and relax and sink. I love the earth, when i was younger, I  would happily dig up worms and roots and marvel at the shades of black and brown and tan and sandy grain and fluffy soil and how it felt soft like my mother. Under my nail and between toes, it felt like home all over me.

Nothing feels so good and real and whole and honest and that is where i want to be, every particle of me wants to dissolve back into it, every particle but one.

and that one particle has your name it, whoever you are.

i love you.

i am patchwork. i am pulling it together.

i am reaching for the sky now.

We are going to make it we are going to be just fine just fine just fine this fleshy vessel is made of psychic steel and it can contain all the burning sorrow that you can give me.

every inch, every ounce, every day.

I am going to be just fine.

we are. all of us.

what I am doing

is what i said I was going to do, right? I moved here for the job, I went back to school, I live alone. This is fine, this is okay -  I am going to be okay. I did what I said I was going to do. It hurts, it sucks. Whatever. I don't know why I suddenly reverted back to a weaker version of me, but I feel like I may collapse if I have to feel one more drop of pain. Anyone's pain. I'm a sponge, im a goddamn sponge for other people's pain. I don't know why. The people that I get close too, i get this overwhelming sort of empathy or something...I don't know why I am so emotional -  I always have been -  it makes everything much more difficult and for no real reason. I am frequently in an enormous amount of psychic pain and i just really want it to stop and the more people I meet the more pain I feel.

I am not sure what is going to happen next.

over me

well that ended quickly.
and honestly.
 I always end up liking people too much.
He was merciful at least.
I find other people's pain overwhelming and i feel it. i feel it
          i have too much schoolwork to drink but all i want to do is drink.
seriously. xanax and beer.

pretty web of confusion and lies and then shiny sleep

tie me to something pretty

I met another boy. I swear to god i wish i could quite falling in love with people...with their voices and eyelashes and stupid dirty boots and movements of index fingers...



 I know I'm not over the other situation.   

I am terrified of this heart

I miss A.N.

this is chaos

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid.

I am drinking again 

Try to Remember

"For life is the best thing we have in this existence. And if we should desire to believe in something, it should be a beacon within. This beacon being the sun, sea, and sky, our children, our work, our companions and, most simply put, the embodiment of love."
— Patti Smith

So this boy used a battering ram on my vaulted heart until it busted open, and then he got this look of disgust and walked away. Seriously, and im fucking sick and tired and my  doctor just called me in a script to klonipin which i SWORE i would never ever take again but i started school and its overwhelming and im working 40 hours and i am always alone and this city is all concrete and cramped and steel and i tried not to like that guy but he just convinced me that he wanted to like, live with me and know me and "make our own memories together" and could see me having his kids and the whole time i was begging him to not lie to me but he was lying the whole time and the second i believed him he was done with me and i swear to god i have never been used before but now i have and it is quite dreadful and shocking and some part of me believes i deserve better than this and another part of me just wants the poison to sink in faster