Stars shine inside

So sometimes I start a post and then it just meanders off into various bits of poems and scraps of descriptions and then i read it later an think. Oh! Well that doesn't make much sense.

at all. Nice.

So i LOST my medicine. I had it all neat and tucked away in a little travel bag in my huge giant purse full of random necessities and ...at some point I noticed it was gone and i could not really remember the last time i even had it. So after 3 days of searching I began to feel strange. Not Effexor strange which was THE WORST ever. (effexor withdrawal felt like having your brain wrapped in tin foil and then microwaved) This fluoxetine withdrawal was not that bad but it was painful and so ...confusing everything got much more confusing. and then on my way to the pharmacy to get some more (i finally gave up looking) i lost the prescription ...so i search and finally find it in the recycle bin. and then you know, it goes on like that. Things are just lost and I screwed up all this stuff at work and my brain felt off kilter.
is this how it is gonna be? forever? ugh meds are scary.
This picture is about once..for a while i was obsessed with this pond and made up stories about the creatures that might live there and i made up a story about a woman who had a fish baby  - like a little mer baby and she had to keep it in the pond. It was magical-sad....like a curse and a blessing. I think i drew the baby I will have to find it. anyway. god my head hurts.
My right brain. it loves me much more than the left.

MEDICINE
So the doctor i see, she gave me tons of klonipin and stuff -  along time ago. and trazadone. and it just sedated me to no end. Really, i slept through like 3 years of college. I can't focus. Sedatives make me even MORE confused and unable to focus and i'm still anxious!! i'm just unconscious,too. So finally I tell her, you know, I don't want this. I'm not taking it..anymore.  And most of the antiDs I took didn't work, either She never wanted to give me flouxetine bc she was afraid i would lose weight. And even though i read about it and thought it sounded promising, I was afraid to ask about it bc I was afraid she would think I WANTED it. for the possible weight loss side effect. Well, finally there was nothing else to try, so she gives me flouxetine and  - IT WORKS. better than any antiD ever worked. Really. IT CHANGED MY LIFE. (and I didn't lose weight bc I eat on a plan pretty much. Appetite does not mean much, you know.) So is discussing meds the most awkward and weird thing for everyone? bc i really really hate it. Okay I am off to feed the right brain...and then to sleep.

altered altar

I have been working on this for like five years. Okaaay more like 5 months...I work on it and then toss it aside and then come back to it. I have sculptures of most of my paintings. That headless body. In a box in a Coffin, free standing or slumped. Broken pieces of them litter my house. a torso in a flower pot -  she is not Growing by the aloe vera  - just BEING there. She is.

My first sculpture class. I made a figure. Headless armless, jagged bone shoulders and hips with a fleshy belly and thighs. She was miniature, I was getting read to make a few life size ones. 

I grew. Abnormally. Attached. I carried her everywhere. In my purse. In my backpack. Placed her on the car seat beside me. She got chipped. I drew her in various locations, in various light.

I was AN "recovered" at this point. Or rather, i had traded one illness for a few other minor addictions....but physically i was all healed and i was emotionally healing

some trauma

with 

some art.

Every figure i drew, every figure i sculpted...

took me a little farther from that fucked up body

and all those fucked up things that happened.

Sympathetic magic, my love.

i guess.

so see that is why i am real pissed off about

and refuse to forget about

that girl that copied my paintings.

bc she doesn't know what they MEAN.

she just stole the images.

Which, of course, is morally reprehensible

(and unprofessional) for an ARTIST

and on the level of basic humanity and decency is beyond morally reprehensible but..?

People told me that imitation is flattery but i disagree.

inspiration is flattery. I was inspired by several of the women i went to school with.

The person that breaks into your house and steals your TV is not complimenting you

for having great taste in electronics. They are disrespecting all of your rights and taking your stuff bc they want to.....

and that is totes lame.

but whatever right. Art therapy is what I am thinking about here. I am also thinking about  my refusal to compromise. bc in some situations I know I would have more friends and more...money even and all that shit if i would let go of some pretty hardcore beliefs i have about loyalty and friendship and honor and truth and ....

but i wont.

So should i? Alter my altar? Change to whom I devote the deepest part of me?

Well if I am a witch, I'm a good witch. Devoted to the green growing things and moonlight.

Bloodshed with good intentions.

That bone goddess and the Hunger pit

are not for worshipping. They were for overcoming.

Just Walkin the Dog

Proof that getting sharp pointy stickers out of Ellie's back feet hurt me much more than her.

Seriously, she has yelped before but this time I got stuck (and made that face while my friend snapped the camera) and my dog is just chillin, like, "yeah my momma is my personal assistant"

So yesterday we went for a big long walk on the river. It is the first real walk she has had since she got sick. I had been keeping her pretty still bc her spleen was swollen. But she is doing well and we get final bloodwork tomorrow to see if we are cured! and then hopefully she can get off the steriods bc they maker her sooooo HUNGRY. And THIRSTY.

Yesterday, she finished her supper and whimpered...then she just sat at her empty bowl and howled bc it was all gone!!!

so here we are.

So i have a bad habit of painting the mat. It is supposed to just be white or black, you know but i don't like for the art to be all squared off in this sterile white border. And that is against all convention - apparently?...?/.... anyway this painting is tiny. Like two inches wide. And it was photographed under glass so it is not a clear or crisp image. But she is troubled. and i am too. so here were are.

She ate that bitter heart

So a few blogs ago i posted Bitter Heart a Love RAnt and the deleted the post bc it was all guncky breakup disappointment in love bitter ..bleh. You know. So i left the image of the girl eating the heart. Well, since then she has EATEN that heart. And swallowed it. She feels better. or maybe worse. Here, ask her:

So she is in progress, but i am working on her still. It is very hard for me to focus on ONE thing for long so usually i have like 8 projects started and just go scatterbrained all over them and maybe finish two. But I am employing behavior modification to work on that. Heh yeah..let you know THAt goes.

Well here is miss bitter heart in her full picture plane:

I have got more work to do on the arms, the sky and that weird window pane border i ended up with. But I... i don't know the Starve may get removed or pushed back. initially i wrote "But would you starve for it?" Then i circled the starve and the rest faded away. I am alluding to the self destructive measures we will go to in order to get what we want..what we THINK we want. Sort of "The Lost Search For Nothing"...for Something REAL but you are looking in the Wrong place following the Wrong sign. Rewarding yourself for being such a martyr...but for no one. for nothing. for a hollow stare and a hungry hungry mouth.

Literally starving - as in a physical sense, or even emotionally starving....such as not taking care of yourself, or eating pills instead of a nurturing substance. whatever. I am referring to the loss. Chasing a love that is not there? What if you loved yourself. hmmm zombie • face • heart • eater • stare...cold and a million million miles away. Thought he understood but he didn't... anyway blah blah i have redbug bites on my ankles that are driving me NUTS and my dog is going to the vet today to get more tests and hopefully the results will be GREAT! fingers crossed!

oh and you can click on my images to see them larger..btw in case you didn't know.

ugh....yikes.

havent blogged much bc....most of what i want to write it is bitter break up blech. plus my dog is not doing well and that just has me way way way dowwwwn.

i love my animals.

i have been making art. but i saw my T on Saturday and she asked me if ...

since i made themost and best art w hen i was super depressed and freeaked out...she asked if i ever made drama...

so that i would have a reason to make art.

and i must admit.

i am THINKIN'.

ABOUT IT.

This really sucks.

My dog is sick. She may have cancer. She may get better...she may die. This sucks so bad. I have totally over protected and over-reacted about everything in her doggie life....

I got her for my 29th bday. It was  a NEW START. Just us. She is only two.

Im seriously sick about it...and other things ...sort of smothering right now. I want to go far, far, far away way out in the middle of a field and sit there and talk to this guy for hours and hours. Figure it all out.

So sick of romantic love. Such a stupid distraction and pretty pretty meaningless words. I know i want to be with you forever or at least until you screw up yr meds and have a meltdown. Well thank God i didn't believe any of the rosey love poems bc if i had, I would be totally crushed right now.

But  my Gut said don't let go of your life, bc this is just a  boy trick. very very immature fantasyland la la story. and it was. and i know. and now it is onwards and upwards. or maybe downwards....but where-ever i go, i will go alone, and i will be thankful.

my life according to Bright Eyes

This was going around facebook and i kinda liked howmine came out. I was a bit cynic

al in my choices..but that is how i felt that day. this day. hopefully not forever

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist:
BRIGHT EYES

Are you a male or female:
Waste Of Paint

Describe yourself:
When The Curious Girl Realizes She Is Under Glass

How do you feel:
Gold Mine Gutted

Describe where you currently live:

Down In A Rabbit Hole

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Racing Towards The New

Describe the opposite sex:
A Poetic Retelling Of An Unfortunate Seduction

Your favorite form of transportation:
Ship In A Bottle

Your best friends are:
No Lies, Just Love

What's the weather like:
The Awful Sweetness Of Escaping Sweat

Favorite time of day:
A Few Minutes On Friday

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
A Scale, A Mirror And Those Indifferent Clocks

What is life to you:
An Attempt To Tip The Scales

Your last relationship:
Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love And Be Loved)

Your fear:
Untitled (Lovers Turn Into Monsters)

What is the best advice you have to give:
Take It Easy (Love Nothing)

Thought for the Day:
I Must Belong Somewhere+

How I would like to die:
Going For The Gold

My soul's present condition:
I've Been Eating (For You)

My motto:
Hit The Switch

Your Turn!!

oh and here is a pic of some goats. bc i like goats!!

Doll face No Face

who are you and what do you want to do with your life?