Refusal to Fly

wings2, originally uploaded by Cedar Star.

i sketched this a few weeks ago back. I really like using ink pens, esp if i am anxious. All the sribbley/sritchy motion is soothing.
Anyway the idea is that your wings can be burden..the Power to Refuse is something i am very familiar with. The thing that can lift you higher or take you away may also be very painful and HEAVY.
I also imagine people in cages sometimes. Their own little psychic cages that surround them...It may be easier to be trapped if you don't have wings in the first place. I feel like this picture, also, means whatever the person viewing it thinks it means. I find it difficult to connect pictures to words. Also,the meaning can be fluid, and change with moods. Mine and yours..But I have an immense desire to communicate so i want to overcome whatever language barriers, real or imagined...are there.
Another reason i find explaining images hard is because the picture is just ONE PANEL IN A STORY. Maybe one day i can gather them up. and have a whole story.

october

so on of my myspace friends is doing webisodes about our small town of Natchitoches and she asked if i would be the featured artist for October (the coolest month) i agreed & she came over and arranged my paintings like this and had me talk about the. The slideshow is up now and i guess the parts with me talking will be up soon. Its here. i left my paintings like that. I guess if all else fails one day i could build a house of them. heh.

I worked at the paper for 11 and a half hours today. It was so busy. Thank god for overtime. Ellie was certainly happy when i got home

ellie.

Chaplains Lake in the fog

Foggy Morning3, originally uploaded by Cedar Star.

Yesterday morning, on my way to work, I stopped by NSU campus and went walking on the path by Chaplains lake. The fog was pretty thick in places, and in others it looked like fading ghosts. I was standing on a little foot bridge when i took this picture and i liked how the cypress and Magnolia framed the lake. I wanted to jog on forever but i had to get to work...

Skull Caps & Dog Moms

Okay here is me and the tattoo hat and the infamous ELEANOR. This was an adventurous walk bc we decided to explore a place we had not been, a place off the trail that had just been mowed. We were tearing through the grass when i hear a Yelp and immediately spin around to check on my dog. She is froze in mid-step with her paw in the air staring dead at me. I call her, but she whimpers. I go to her and discover she has a million sticker balls in her fur and several stuck deep in the pads of her her paws. When i squat down i get stuck  in the butt by a million more sticker balls that are covering my pants leg. I said uh oh LE, we got in the bramble patch. So packed her out of that little field and then removed the thorns. She cried and my fingers BLED!! We got in a BAD briar batch.  But then i was the dog-mom hero in a tattoo your skull hat. I love the skull bc she has RED RIBBONS in her hair. i mean it's a b/w white photo but the ribbons are RED. and they are in her..well..not hair but..you know. And speaking of another awesome dog mom

here is my REAL moma

  This is how she spends sunday afternoons. Lounging with dogs. They kept kissin her face, so she pulled her hood up, but then they tried to pull it off to kiss her some more. Except for Mopsy, the grey one, the just really really wanted to lay on  my moms belly but she kept falling off. Epitome of cuteness.

And to continue in that theme, here is the badass Amanda Barron, who is doing makeup for widepread panic's halloween show in nola, with her badass dog EDGAR Von Barron. Yay for dog moms.

 

dork

I am a dork for a lot of reasons..one of which is the hat ibought today, a cap really... That says tattoo your soul. that makes no sense, i know, but really i thought it said tattoo your SKULL bc it has a skull on it. But anyway i like hats so there. And i wore my cap on my jog to keep my hair outta my face and the sun outta my eyes. i ran a long way, i'm excited that i can run for longer than ever before..it feels so good i get lost in this zone. i am dork also for emailing random people on the internet that have blogs. Or is that even normal? that might be normal. i am so socially akward i dont even know how to act online. In my defense, I have been under the influence of antihistamines and various assortment of cold medicines this entire week. I feel better but still sick and sore. Of course i cant miss work at all bc i'm saving my vacay for Tulsa the end of the month. So Im sick but Im trying not to think about it.

I have way too much to think about all the time, it never stops, and sometimes i just wish i could write it all down and sort it all out but.. i never have the TIME bc my head keeps on going. Same with paintings i just get new ideas and want to start a new one despite the fact that i have several unfinished and then they never get finished. So i start a focused post in my head and it never gets written down correctly and thats why i cant go back to graduate school. Bc you cant just walk up with an armful of 40 paintings and 50 cryptic poems to EXPLAIN them. You have to lay it all out in order and i think i hate order. Or at least i cant MAKE it. Usually i LOSE half of everything before I even get where i'm going though. I lost my keys at the vet today. I lost my phone, too but i found it quickly unlike the usual 3 day scavenger hunt with no clues. i hate those. Anway, even though i wont be going to school for an MFA anytime soon or ever i still think i should attempt to write organized thoughts about my paintings. and this is a good place to do it bc its all secret in a tiny corner of the interwebs. and with that thought ive got to go brush my teeth

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Originally uploaded by Cedar Star

Zarco Guerrero's wooden skull carving. On exhibit at NSU for Dia de los Muertos

Eleanor Brooke

so in an effort to not, or at least to interrupt, the endless body image/weight/food nonsense i will think about one of the most fulfilling things in my life right now and that is lil Ellie B. Yesterday on our walk we chased a bunny. She saw it and I saw it and i knew she was about to take off so i went with her. Bunny got away. Chasing bunnies is super fun. Then Ellie wonderdog came trudging up the hill behind me (she has a super long retractable leash) very verrry slowly. i kept calling her but she was in granny mode. Somethings not right, thought I. So i checked her paw and it turned out she had a huge briar with super sharp thorns stretching from one front leg (arm?) across her chest and to the other leg! poor ting! i got it out but it hurt her and my fingers and she even yelped. (i didnt) when i let her go she took off like a rocket after her uncle Randy (my walkin buddy) and we jogged the whole rest of the way back. So I thought after all that running El would certainly be tired and sleep all night. NOT SO. Miss prissy pants decided that she was mad I went to bed so early (i have a cold) and so she decided to play her favorite game: TEAR UP. So i woke up this morning to survey the damage..one brown shoe had the buckle strap chewed off..not too bad...i vaguely remember her rooting around in between asking to go outside five times FOR NO REASON..and i was afraid there would be more destruction. Well. at lunch time when i came home to chill with Ellie i saw that she had THREW UP HER COLLAR. HER CUTE LIT GREEN IKEA COLLAR WITH THE WHITE DAISIES ON IT. So i went to my room and dug around and found the buckle to it and the end with holes. I hope to god that she threw up the rest of it outside somewhere bc i would hate to blog about Eleanor's Bowel Obstruction surgery. She is acting fine, though so maybe she is okay. I will be on poop patrol i guess to make sure she goes. god. i cant believe she ATE IT. it was leather. Maybe she thought it was like rawhide. This so makes me worry about what else she might eat. Lil crazy dog. Lil smart crazy dog. sometimes it seems like she is an alien in a puppy suit.

healthy healthy healthy

my back a few years ago with my dearly beloved tattoo

i am only five feet and five inches tall. that blows, really.

wish i was taller.

blah blah blah

this is a vessel

but i cant live wihtout i dont believe

i dont believe i exist w/out a body but i used to think otherwise

ink it carve it starve it

but it keeps changing and it can be

so startling

this vessel.

can break down.

but what amazes me is

the strength

to lift pull run

push out a freakin kid

i kinda never asked for that

thanks god or nature or what have you

this vessel can feel like a cage

a cage i want out of

drowning in flesh i feel i am

Zero

Ive been poking around on ED blogs, I

don't think its bad bc they are mostly recovery blogs but...

sometimes it makes me feel tired.

ED doesn't work for me like most people, it seems. I don't even know that my diagnosis was ever correct. 

Maybe bc I m older now and its been so long

but like, i think I've ruined my metobolism.

So i bought some trashy mag with emaciated celebs on it (i did a painting from it, so,yes, i put it to good use) and the odd thing is, when i saw the cover - i was drawn to it, yes - but i asked myself - Do I miss being that skinny? and I promptly answered myself - No, i miss being that hungry. I miss being that empty. So when i saw my gypsy (therapist) she had me elaborate on the hunger thing. But all i could think was

Emptiness is loneliness

and loneliness is cleanliness

and cleanliness is godliness

and god is empty, just like me

-zero, smashing pumpkins

weight of the world

Whatcha weigh? Whatcha worth?

just one fix

my dead butterfly heart