fish wish whispers

Sometimes I say I am going to lay off the eating disorder topic and sometimes its all i want to blog about/read about it bc so many of my thoughts go to food and eating and size and shape and the weight of the space AROUND me as it presses down against me. Could it be physics? Really, maybe my e.d. was caused by the SPACE AROUND ME pushing in on me. riiight. Oh wait, that is anxiety.

crackers for breakfast• crackers for lunch• crackers for dinner.

no protein. I neeeeeeeed protein. I need it, I get cranky and depressed and exhausted w/out it but my god it is hard to eat it. ...but sometimes i can do it. (chew chew chew swallow don't think, don't dont't don't THINK..chew.)

But..I'm cat-sitting for this really cool lady, right. Well, I have to feed her cats canned food...and it makes me NOT want to eat...for the rest of the day. Really my brain just makes all these icky connections and the best i can do as far as eating is only eat really bland things. Okay, then, brain...we will EAT crackers. great. CARBS. really? ugh.

I don't know why it is soooo complicated....i just get so disgusted by the nature of food - what it really IS.

 I don't know why

and part of me doesn't care! i will stay strong -  even i have to drink meals. 

This is all very NEW. This never happened in the earlier more severe parts of my bizare food neurosis. There was no repulsive connections between food and meat or death or gross things.

There was just RESTRICTION.

So maybe parts of my mind are fighting against me being well.....??

I tend to do that. Fight against myself. Don't we all...?? in some way or another.

Anyway..the damn cats. I LIKE the cats. I have a dog. I'm a dog type-o-person. and i like fish. but i dream that i have to eat fish. and that sucks. bc the fish whisper to me.and they ask me not to eat them!!!!

Skull Caps & Dog Moms

Okay here is me and the tattoo hat and the infamous ELEANOR. This was an adventurous walk bc we decided to explore a place we had not been, a place off the trail that had just been mowed. We were tearing through the grass when i hear a Yelp and immediately spin around to check on my dog. She is froze in mid-step with her paw in the air staring dead at me. I call her, but she whimpers. I go to her and discover she has a million sticker balls in her fur and several stuck deep in the pads of her her paws. When i squat down i get stuck  in the butt by a million more sticker balls that are covering my pants leg. I said uh oh LE, we got in the bramble patch. So packed her out of that little field and then removed the thorns. She cried and my fingers BLED!! We got in a BAD briar batch.  But then i was the dog-mom hero in a tattoo your skull hat. I love the skull bc she has RED RIBBONS in her hair. i mean it's a b/w white photo but the ribbons are RED. and they are in her..well..not hair but..you know. And speaking of another awesome dog mom

here is my REAL moma

  This is how she spends sunday afternoons. Lounging with dogs. They kept kissin her face, so she pulled her hood up, but then they tried to pull it off to kiss her some more. Except for Mopsy, the grey one, the just really really wanted to lay on  my moms belly but she kept falling off. Epitome of cuteness.

And to continue in that theme, here is the badass Amanda Barron, who is doing makeup for widepread panic's halloween show in nola, with her badass dog EDGAR Von Barron. Yay for dog moms.