Be Here Now

This is my sister and I a couple years ago. At Tybee. So her wedding was this past weekend and it was marvelous and beautiful. I was excited and then on the way back home (8 hour drive) I got really sad about how far away I am from her..and her new family but no matter where I am, I am always far from someone I want to be close to. And...the thing is I still don't feel like I belong anywhere. I know this is a process and a journey and all of that but sometimes i feel like I have been progressing towards something and I am ready to be there. But I can not actually define what the this thing is. Sometimes I feel like if I hurry up and get this done I can go home.  But I don't know what that feeling is really about bc when i am at my parent's house, in the forest I grew up in, I feel as if I am wasting time and I need to be in the real world making some sort of life for myself. But then Im out here and I just feel like a sugar cube dissolving in hot acid. Not that I am particularly sweet but it seems like the best parts of me just keep getting wasted.
And that just seems really unfortunate and I am not sure what to do about it.
Also, at the wedding someone asked me if I had been on a date in this city yet. I haven't been on a date in five years. And i never really thought about it. Then I got bothered by the fact that I have not been bothered by this fact. I don't go out bc no one ever asks and I never met anyone that I wanted to ask. It is very simple. Someone asked me to marry them 8 months ago and I said No because I didn't want to be married. It is very simple.
And of course in reality NOTHING is really ever that simple.
I love history and I have a past doing research on architecture and art. I got this  great job as an architectural historian in an interesting city. Chance of LIFETIME in this drab economy. Im sitting at work today and get this smell like turpentine. I want to cry bc I want to be in the painting lab so bad. THERE IS NO PAINTING LAB ANYMORE. I suddenly think "I hate architecture and I hate history"
Now of course I don't really, but it seems like no matter where I am I feel like i ought to be somewhere else...doing some thing else.
I was about to be an art teacher but I stopped. I stopped. teaching. It was too much. This is better. This has to be better bc it is what i decided to do.
But ART was not something I DID, It was who I was.
and now...i feel like a worker bee in this giant swampy nest of moss and steel and wood and glass. And the sad thing is, the city is quite Old and Slow in terms of lifestyle. I don't know what is wrong with me, I woke in a fairytale and then the inevitable tragic twist and then I got to be me, i guess. I got to be here.

24s used to be loose but now 28s are too tight.
I always said I would not use exact numbers or weights on this blog but i feel so foreign and detached from it all now that it doesn't seem to matter. I am shopping in a sea of women and girls and they are all different sizes and shapes and wildy different in clothing and hairstyle and a few of them look thin enough to break in half but most of them look physically healthy and happy to be chatting about colors and fits and The Saints and their dogs over racks of used clothing. They appear happy, but I understand that most people are walking damns for a river of pain. Anyway, I want to fit in. Not in size 0 but in with healthy happy people who are doing things. Like sewing and going to concerts and volunteering at the SPCA animal shelter and growing plants and having friendly conversations over coffee....

I feel like a stray that has been wandering in the bone yard and howling prayers to the moon for visible ribs...alone for so long i began to go mad. Masochistic and sad. I have inched nearer to the town and I am watching distrustful and longing. This venture has taken years and years and really i just want to go back. dig in the dirt for skull of an ex lover and mourn the marrow. However - There is no going back.

It has occured to me  that -  what if i have gained too much? gone too far? I am alone in this, no one is there, there is no advice. I need a balance and I need a safe place to run. There is a Fine Line somewhere and i must find it... Looking healthy does not MEAN healthy. I know this. I have made the path. I have made the choice. And it feels quite right. and quite wrong.

Under Lock and Key

Suddenly the internet seems full of spies. Maybe bc I am in a city with so many more people, maybe bc of all the OMG FACEBOOK PRIVACY....news stories about how so and so didn't get a  job bc they posted a drunken pic on myspace 2 years ago. WTF, man this isn't cool at all. I found a LOT of support for some very personal issues on internet forums and in blogs but the idea that they are being catalogued in the library of congress makes me ill ( somebody told that was the fate of all tweets).

Not sure WHY this just occured to me with such force but I know that one reason is because i have more to lose now, than before. Now, my job is really laid back and cool and this is NOLA so drinking is not only normal but encouraged...but still. What do i do with the mental issues and the recovery/recovered process. Hide them? i wanted to advocate but that seems harder than i thought....the insults about "crazy' drippping from mouths is a bit much when you already feel desperate to hold onto what you have.

Of course its not like i am going to run for SENATE or anything. But the idea that my future husband's divorce lawyer (lol) could use a myspace blog from 2008 as evidence of my mental instability is unsettling. Who knows, man? Who knows where this internet social networking thing may lead. A lot of the starved caffeinated rambling poetry i posted on myspace in 2006 was GOOD imo, but I don't want everyone to see it. Or steal it. And i set the privacy controls to " friends only" but does that really mean anything? like locking the front door....or closing a curtain. Probably not much.

So yeah that is one reason i have suddenly been hesitant to blog....Yet i don't want to delete anything. (i have been told repeatedly that "deleting" does not really make it go away. Google has a file on you somewhere.....) I don't want to LOSE anything or anyone. I really just want the world and the internet to be a safe place. And it isn't.

blink of an eye

It is a good sentiment but it isn't true. Not for me anyway, and i had thought of it years before. In that moment when i was hoping to know an answer, all I usually felt was panic...bc i really didn't know. But i knew how much it MATTERED.