I always said I would not use exact numbers or weights on this blog but i feel so foreign and detached from it all now that it doesn't seem to matter. I am shopping in a sea of women and girls and they are all different sizes and shapes and wildy different in clothing and hairstyle and a few of them look thin enough to break in half but most of them look physically healthy and happy to be chatting about colors and fits and The Saints and their dogs over racks of used clothing. They appear happy, but I understand that most people are walking damns for a river of pain. Anyway, I want to fit in. Not in size 0 but in with healthy happy people who are doing things. Like sewing and going to concerts and volunteering at the SPCA animal shelter and growing plants and having friendly conversations over coffee....
I feel like a stray that has been wandering in the bone yard and howling prayers to the moon for visible ribs...alone for so long i began to go mad. Masochistic and sad. I have inched nearer to the town and I am watching distrustful and longing. This venture has taken years and years and really i just want to go back. dig in the dirt for skull of an ex lover and mourn the marrow. However - There is no going back.
7 comments:
'I feel like a stray that has been wandering in the bone yard and howling prayers to the moon for visible ribs...alone for so long i began to go mad. Masochistic and sad."
this is exactly how i feel right now. and i am mourning a lost love. masochistic and sad. it was a wrong love. it was a married love who was in it for fun. but i loved it all. ....alone for so long i begin to go mad. Masochistic and sad.
it's corny but it's the old Roberta Flack song, Shawna, you're strumming my pain with your fingers, singing my life with your words..."
hang in there. i am telling myself it gets better. every day is less painful. every moment less poignant.
great, great post
I feel the same way a lot. Where is it safe....when is it too far and when is it not enough? I wish there were just a simple answer. it's too much to deal with sometimes. Just stay in there. hang in there. This post was great, hits many points that I feel as well
xoxo
-Lisa
I have said these words so often in my mind."I miss my bones." What it is that I miss about them, I'm never quite sure. Maybe I miss looking like I need to be taken care of and protected. It is normal to be ambivalant about recovery, and to still feel sick in your mind, even when a healthy weight is restored. I struggle with this too. Don't go back.
You will find your way:)
Thank you guys. Your comments mean so much. One time, Long ago, on a painting I did, I wrote about wanting to open myself to make sure my bones were there and had not been replaced with steel bars.
I miss mine, too Angela.
I even miss FEELING them more than seeing them. Like a security blanket I would tap my sternum and collarbones...a daily ritual of checking... You know. You guys know.
Sometimes I feel this panic now, like WHAT if they are not IN there? It's silly, but i think it is a manifestation of 'looking for a SELF," maybe? Wanting a tangible soul, so you think you see it in your bones? I don't know. This is a mixed up journey..a mixed up world but thank you again for your comments and you all have my support and cheers as you fight your own battles.
s
I thought I would miss my bones, but what I have realized is I miss *myself* — the self I was before anorexia. I miss who I was and I am eager to become the woman I was, only better.
I miss who I was; everything about me that anorexia has stolen for years. I miss *me*.
However, I can relate to the loneliness of this journey. Each one of us really is alone in recovery in the end. I wish it weren't so; I dream of gathering with others like me who understand, but there is no such group, so I gather support from all of you and your writings.
it's interesting that i read this post as being all about love. you can see where my head is! hey, maybe that says something good about the state of my eating disorder!!
just found your blog...hang tight ok...know you're not alone...☺
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