And that just seems really unfortunate and I am not sure what to do about it.
Also, at the wedding someone asked me if I had been on a date in this city yet. I haven't been on a date in five years. And i never really thought about it. Then I got bothered by the fact that I have not been bothered by this fact. I don't go out bc no one ever asks and I never met anyone that I wanted to ask. It is very simple. Someone asked me to marry them 8 months ago and I said No because I didn't want to be married. It is very simple.
And of course in reality NOTHING is really ever that simple.
I love history and I have a past doing research on architecture and art. I got this great job as an architectural historian in an interesting city. Chance of LIFETIME in this drab economy. Im sitting at work today and get this smell like turpentine. I want to cry bc I want to be in the painting lab so bad. THERE IS NO PAINTING LAB ANYMORE. I suddenly think "I hate architecture and I hate history"
Now of course I don't really, but it seems like no matter where I am I feel like i ought to be somewhere else...doing some thing else.
I was about to be an art teacher but I stopped. I stopped. teaching. It was too much. This is better. This has to be better bc it is what i decided to do.
But ART was not something I DID, It was who I was.
and now...i feel like a worker bee in this giant swampy nest of moss and steel and wood and glass. And the sad thing is, the city is quite Old and Slow in terms of lifestyle. I don't know what is wrong with me, I woke in a fairytale and then the inevitable tragic twist and then I got to be me, i guess. I got to be here.
5 comments:
Art is what you ARE, not what you were. you are not defined by your current job.
my job is mind-numbing. and i don't know who i am. but i'm going to AA meetings and i'm going to find some writing class, somewhere here in rural nj.
hope is the most important. keep on hoping shawna.
ah! thank you for pointing that out. I got a new assignment that involves lots of photography. I keep telling myself that this isthe chance of a life time and something I always wanted but that Melancholy is always tugging on me, ya know?
I spent a lot of time on your blog last night but I didnt comment. I had been absent and was catching up and I realized how much I missed yr posts.
I read your struggles but the fact that you just keep going and is very impressive. Esp when the job you are in is not what you want to be doing...also Anger..with no real direction is hard to deal with and fighting addiction is something so many people don't understand. You are a gem. Thank you for all of your support
Your art is part of who you are no matter what job you have right now, just like writing is who I am; it's like breathing and no one can take that away from you.
You have done some brave things in the past few months; you really are an inspiration. It will all come together for you.
Don't let your current job define the core of who you are.
*hugs*
Angela
Damn, Shawna. I could have written this post. When I read what you have to say here I related to it so much that it I felt like it was all over me. Like it was me.
I can't even being to tell you how much you just nailed a lot of me to the wall through your own life experience. I'm kind of in shock a little. I haven't really known anyone that had all those similar feelings... or at least not anyone that ever expressed them the way you just did.
I don't know what else to say right now.
I was at Tybee earlier this year. I have relatives there... hmmm...
Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you for your comments. Your words mean so much to me.
Post a Comment