The Goddess & The Bible

So when i went to my parent's house for Thanksgiving i gathered up some sketchbooks and an assortment of pens and pencils and when i got there and unloaded my car i could not find my art supplies..of course i had forgotten them.So after searching high and low ..to no avail.. for drawing paper i thought Voila! i will just draw on a brown paper bag with a ball point pen. And i did. and I got three drawings that i kind of like even though i was extremely frustrated that i forgot my sketchbook BC I FORGET EVERYTHING or lose it bc i am soooo scatterbrained and when i was a kid it was funny but as an adult it is annoying(..and embarrasing) and so i was going to take pics of these drawing and blog them with an accompanying text about MENTAL ILLNESS and recovery but NOW I CANT FIND MY CAMERA BATTERY so i cant take pictures of these drawings and it seems like i have these RANDOM spurts of manic ADD where i just lose and forget everything and nothing gets accomplished and i get very INC0-Her- ent.

So this photograph is of a goddess sculpture i made out of sculpty a million years ago and i don't think she ever really got finished but..maybe she should read the Old Testament.That may finish her. hee hee. The bible actually, i drew on every page...graffiti style... i drew and wrote about feminism on every page. (maybe i will photograph those later.. i'm sure ill find my batt charger, like, in my SHOE or something next tuesday at 7am when i totally do NOT need it.) Feminism and Christianity is something had a hard time making sense out of when i was a kid and i think i identified with the christ thing of SUFFERING  way to much and sometimes I think the Eating Disorder played into the Martyr role and it got tangled up with that.

as if you could redeem something or someone or even YOURSELF by suffering.

Holy Anorexia is a book about that but i never read it. Sometimes i want to poke around in books on the subject and sometimes i want to turn my head...

turn it into the soil

the earth mother goddess and moon light

and just forget all of these complicated things...

Thanksgiving day i fed the cows with my dad. I got to feed them pellets by hand and i got cow slobber all over me and it made me laugh and it made me feel so happy.

I have a lot to be thankful for

moo

SOLO

I got up early this morning so I could paint before work. Last night, i started painting but ended up fixin a drink of Southern Comfort and that just made me sleepy so i ended up crashing before i got much done. I'm STOPPING THAT RIGHT NOW.  (and by THAT i mean drinking when i should be working) I did this, though, and i am happy with it. When I first got back from Tulsa is when I  started it; However, last night I got her to a final resting place. Now she's done..Now she's dead..Now she's just been born. My "Solo" -  2. a performance in which the performer has no partner or associate; something undertaken or done alone..from Websters. Yes. Some Things Must Be Done SOlO.

Blogability...

i don't think i have it. Blogability that is. ..Not that i will stop but i am not so good with words or maintaining a coherent train of thought. I am enjoying blogging, though, bc written words AND PICTURES are so much more conducive to the way i EXPRESS things..than the SPOKEN world. But, alas, i am no writer. Plus I'm not sure what i wanted this blog to be. I originally set it up so i could vent about the  media, mental illness,eating disorder issues and the more "real" meaning of my art without divulging to much info on myspace. I suppose i wanted to spare my friends the more nasty parts of my reality. Then i started reading other mental illness/eating disorder blogs and i found that to be helpful however,i didn't want this blog to just be about THAT. It is true that I struggle with things of that nature, but that is by no means all that I am or that I want to share with people.  Anyway, I found some common bonds with other bloggers and i enjoy getting outraged with the people over at Mamavision but one thing i have noticed is that my food issues are most certainly NOT about vanity and I would never in a million years judge another person based on my own food weirdness. (I don't even really judge meat-eaters and I am veg) I read a review of the movie Disfigured (I posted about it earlier) and i was kind of horrified to learn that the anorexic chick totally insults other women's bodies and that is a stereotype that i hate - the stereotype that "not eating" is about vanity and being thinner than anyone else. It ISN'T - not for me. Bc I rarely think about other peoples bodies and generally I am attracted to women who have healthy bodies...I'm not saying that body image has nothing to do with it or that it is totally about control but when i feel super Anxious or depressed or out of control the first thing I want to do is restrict food in the same way a stressed out former alcoholic may want to reach for the bourbon or what have you. And one way i deal with that, now that i am much healthier (and have a kick ass therapist) is through ART and PHOTOGRAPHY.  And that is one reason for this blog. However i reserve the right to blog about silly awesome goodwill finds and the cutest little thing my dog does...

Halston dress

Halston
So we were in Goodwill and as usual Kylee found me this AWESOME thing. It is a Halston dress, who was, apparently, this real famous designer in the 70s, responsible for the drapey disco dress look. So the dress and the fabric and the COLOR are insanely fabulous but i dont know if "drapey" is really the right look for me. ahem. insert joke about me here, (okay well if ya'll want do it, ill ask my lil sista. she is full of them) Anyway i felt like someone needed to bring me a drink and some qualuddes wearing this dress. I need some gold platforms and my fantasy will be complete. But seriously check out my beginner photoshop skills.

Personality! ISFP or INFP?

hmmm
I am

Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving

( i love that mine is written by a guy named joe BUTT)

I am
very expressed introvert
slightly expressed sensing personality
distinctively expressed feeling personality
very expressed perceiving personality

hmm okay.
but one time i got Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving


What are you?!
Wait what am i?

and here is last night's drawing

someone said, Oh a dead mermaid and my first though was No she's not DEAD and then i looked at her and i was like oh. well i see why you would think that but she isnt dead.
death is like her disguise.
or something.
i guess.

Bitch, we've got a problem

so this drawing of mine was on my myspace someone commented that even my bones look painful.
Yes,most of my art does convey pain, even wheni dont mean for it to. Drawing is painful - for my brain and my fingers.

I have had people demand that my art be taken out of the gallery bc it is tasteless, i have had some nasty comments left in sign books (you need to find god! Bad art - depressing!) I have had a person so touched by my paintings that they left the studio in tears. I had an elderly black woman grab my wrist and say lovingly - "this is beautiful you see dont you?" I had the Dept Head at a University tell me i had no talent and no skill. I had a professor tell me i made the most genuine art he had seen years and would i like to teach an adjunct class at the college.

I guess what im saying is that i know i should take most comments "with a grain of salt" and weigh constructive criticism and all of that. But sometimes, bc my art is so personal and painful, i get really angry about the "tasteless" and "gory" comments.

Art is about TRUTH to me, the art i like to see and the art i make. I can appreciate a person who can accurately render a figure or what have you...Really I can appreciate all kinds of art and let it be what it is without making a huge judgement based on MY personal experience. i admire that each piece of art tells a story, a story very different from mine. I just grow weary of art and media and advertising that glorifies the priveleged experience of thin white women in expensive clothes that look hip and drink 14 dollar coffee. Or at least i grow weary of hearing that that is real art and my decomposing figures are tacky.

No, what is tacky is the education system in the state that i live in and the ignorance that results. What is tacky is the civilian body count in Iraq and the helpless faces of refugees leaving afghanistan right before USA headed in there. Self induced abortions and self injury and the real face of eating disorders (not the glossed over diamond encrusted made up models)..are the things that I make art about. Is it pretty? um..NO. What is pretty?

I try to include, whether by color or by flowers or insects a message of HOPE in my art work,bc i do believe in recovery and healing and redemption,but i refuse to make art (just so i can SELL IT)based on false hope and lies. The world can be brutal place and to ignore that to paint water lillies or cute children is not honest for me. It is not an OPTION for me. (Although of course, i can appreciate the message and vision of a person who finds peace in painting landscapes in calming hues. Actually on of my best friends does just that.)

Maybe i am too sensitive to the horror of planet earth, and maybe i always have been. When i was growing up, in my safe childhood in a big house out in the country, i was very aware that there was a famine in ethiopia, Russia could nuke us at any moment and sometimes animals on our farm died horrid deaths for no reason. A dog could rip a cute baby possum to shreds in minutes and the Challenger could explode over the earth. I also knew about Van Gogh and Magritte and Maplethorpe. Basquait and Grimm's Fairy Tales. I bring all this to the studio right before i clear my head and paint white over everthing, tostart anew.

Asking to be understood is a huge risk, asking to be understood by people you actually WANT to understand is a bigger risk. Believing that you have a right to speak up, just like everyone else, is just a given for some people. Some of us spent years learning to believe that.

The Anxiety Series

so i was working on my resume and before i really even got into it
i went bought beer and cigarettes and then, of course could not finish it.
next night, same game. self medicating=self destructive for me
my avoidant personality prevailed
i don't want it to, though. i don't want to be a slave to ANXIETY
and the refusal to BELIEVE in myself..that nasty voice we all know.

Anxiety plays into EDs in a huge way, of course.
and the more anxious i am, the less i can eat
and the less i can eat, the more i LIKE the hunger i feel
and the more i feel propelled by it.NOT GOOD.

And jogging helps with the anxiety and the depression
but lord, i have to balance that too.
my therapist said yes, one mile is okay, five miles is NOT OKAY.
yes, yes i can handle that. Balance.

the other day i was drawing and the Negative came on
i asked myself Why I Do This Art
it is useless and i have no passion
another part of me answered - THERE IS NO OTHER PASSION
and the Negative conceded..and crawled away
but not before whispering that i can feel that way
about the Hunger, too.

thats fine. I am a crafty witch. I will balance this between sick and well
gotta stay focused and positive..healthy and alive.
I may ask for help with this resume business, though.
fighting the internal demons and the external ones at the same time
can be overwhelming.
I will choose to apply But There Is No Other Passion
to a passion for Living, not dying and not self destructing
so help me goddesssss

Im back

So im back from vacation and everything is still spinning it seems like.

I've been busy painting since ive been back and sleeping and not catching up on blogs or news, and the whole time i was away i rarely got online.

Kelly, at Small Town Baby Productions got her webisode up while i was away and i am on it talkng about my art. Its funny bc i got in teacher mode and waved my hand around a lot. I kinda love that i do that bc i love how it feels like i am really EXPLAINING if i act it out. hee hee. Anway she said she had some trouble with production and sound quality but here it is:

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Kelly is a sweet, energetic girl, she wants to do travel journalism and she is NOT receiving much support from the community. we had a lot of fun filming, though and ellie is in the video!!

i dont always understand myself or what i paint or draw.

"dont trust a heart so bent it can't break"