Dollface and Her Coffin

I have drawn several (hundred lol) pics of women in coffins, in front of coffins, walking away from coffins....

I sculpted an 5.5 foot coffin and placed a styrofoam sculpture of a distorted pregnant female figure.

Coffins are symbols but not always of death. Maybe just fear, just a trap, a womb or cage you are afraid to be out of. 

When i think back to the images in first art show to the ones i am making now it is such a progression (in skill i hope but also in visual imagery) Guess I am telling a story, here. Guess I am Illustrating my life. I hope  - I dream - that maybe one day i will be able to HELP someone, somehow with my images and experience.

The E.D. was one thing, the Depression and Anxiety was one thing...S.I. was one thing...One thing I don't ever want to hide or lie about but one thing I FOUGHT LIKE HELL TO OVERCOME

for years. And i drew that fight. Of course I don't want to glamourize the struggle, the starving or the blood even though at times, doesn't it glamourize itself? It does to me but I know that is part of the trick. Part of the comfort of being sick.

Anyway i am hovering but im hovering high right now! I have another new painting to post i just need some natural sunlight to photograph it and it has been toooo rainy here.

My Tulsa trip (to see the boy and to see Sonic Youth) was fanta-bulous and here is a pic of me downtown being verrrrry happy!!!

So.

why would a person get out of a coffin yet insist on

carrying with them everywhere?

Folk Urban Continuum. I am it.

Awesome weekend at my parents house. I fed a baby calf and this mama hog. I really love hogs. Its crazy, bc i am vegetarian but my dad and his brothers and his parents and his grandparents and on and on were all hog hunters. They have free range hogs that live in the swamp, they hunt, catch, and kill them in the winter. I grew up watching all sort of animals killed and cleaned. Maybe that i why i am veg.... bc i do believe animals can suffer, and I think it is rather gruesome to eat them, but i deal with and accept the fact that my family and most everyone I know, eat meat. However, I think it is more humane to kill and eat wild animals that it is to raise them in tiny cages and mass produce them. Anyway, I used to think about this ALL THE TIME. I am so spiritual with nature and animals that is almost goes over into the realm of new age hokey-iness.
Yes, i can laugh at myself.
No, I will not eat a shrimp.
Yes, i want to bury steaks and give them funerals
No, Im not disgusted by watching a hog being butchered.
Yes, i love bones. I collect bones. I see life as a circle....my bone collection and my vegetarianism are not a contradiction. They are a confirmation. Almost a religion.

Humans can be nasty. and vile.

Life can be ugly. and gruesome.

There were times, when i should have looked away.

and i didnt.

And humans can be Kind and Joyful

and Love and compassion can abound

and i honestly don't know what to make of all of it.

So i draw

and i write

and i blog

and i breathe

MONSTER

Here is the Monster drawing i did for the Monster Mash Show in Shreveport

The theme was just your interpretation of a monster. So i did this sort of primal, instinctive natural monster that is inside everyone. LIke Maybe even more primitive than an animal, you know, its a freaking plant. trying to surive. Trying to grow towards the sunshine.

It is funny than heard "your own interpretation of amonster" and the first thing i thought was INSIDE ME.

so...this is the see inside monster.

and i was in Tulsa during the show, so UNFORTUNATELY I didn't get to attend the opening, and i don't have my own pics.
Prints are for sale for 10 bucks.

aaand since i hate to blog w/out a pic here is a shot of me and my bestest friend Amanda at the Terrorplex near Dallas. It was a series of Haunted Houses and it was a blast!

Bitter Heart; A Love Rant

when i disappear

i go here

it never happened

you ever noticehow you can make somthing disappear.
like you are a witch
like you are a magiciain

this didnt happen it didnt happen it didnt happen no hting happened ti never ever happened it didnt. it did NOT and i am FINE.
there you go.

just got back from tulsa. have not blogged bc i was gone but now i am back.
and now i am dumped.

and now once again im going who the hell am I?
my bday is wednesday.
i am july 221978.
i am.

iamlosingthis

Lily and her Healing Light

Some times i have a such a bizarre time being alone with myself i just stay busy to avoid getting sucked into the crevices of my psyche...an ocd focus on a pore, a scar, a fingernail. Like a black hole collapsing in on itself.

I scanned in some drawings from a while back ago. The sketchbooks are from the past 3 years ...i try to remember to date things but for me trying to remember is just Forgetting.

going thru the images made me sad bc i used to fill up a sketchbook in a week. now ....i work so much and work makes me tired that i can only do 3 or 4 drawing a week and small ones at that....

The gaining of these last five pounds eradicated so much pain. It is unbelievable. The pain in my hips, jaws, shoulders....It is gone. The bone scraping joint pain is gone. The freezing ice bone pain. Why would you miss pain? How can you miss pain? Maybe i don't miss it, i just am not sure how to live without it.

recovery tree

So in a blog post i referred to my maintaining wellness as "dancing around the recovery tree" and the author of I hate to weight and more blog suggested that i draw that. LIGHTBULB. greatest idea ever - bc i tend to draw the sickness feeling so much more than the healing because im not sure HOW to draw the healing in a not so painful light bc the HEALING IS PAINFUL but i wanted to try something more positive and ACTION oriented but it was just a suggetion to myself in my head so when
i got the comment on my blog i was like BAM yes okay lets try it.

aaaand this is just a thumbnail - first rough sketch - and notice that she is not real joyous in the face! This can be a tedious dance. Maybe eventually I will draw happy souls dancing around that sacred tree. RIght now it is new and she is afraid.

Trees are symbolic and important to me.. as i grew up in the most rural spot in a million pine trees. and cedar and cypress and sweet gum and pin oak..ancient old secret grown up in their rings. In my pretend world those trees were my friends. yeah i was a dork. whatever i lived in my head. still do. So...you know how in myth shamans are dancing around the tree, witches are living IN the tree, jesus is nailed to the tree...etc. I like that. I like to use that. It makes sense to me.

Ribbons. So the first person i showed this to said, "oh look a girl tied to a tree." Im like, "she is NOT TIED TO the tree she is dancing around it". He said, "oh like a may pole." "well. no. yes. sort of...."
i have drawn women tied to trees several times before...that feels more like what i am feeling thatn the recovery dance that i want to feel. BUT. i can draw it and make it come true, I say.

I drew..Stone figures in a row all connected with ribbon. I make little voodoo dolls and tie them with ribbon to a stick. or to each other. or to the leg of bed. I dont know why it seemed important. This is art? This is religion? This is me trying to make it all make sense...
Whatever. The ribbons symbolize our connections maybe? the invisible lines that weave us together? or apart?
i don't know. i'll post more pics. some days i m just bad with words.