forest heart of green

here is how i look at a bar. after drinking some soco listening intently to Leah... totally unaware that jacob is using his iphone as a camera. all these gadgets and gizmos..am i 80 yet?

i want to go home. i mean, in that picture i was happy but somewhere in side me i would almost ALWAYS rather be athome. and by home i mean forest.

and by forest i mean home.

and i cant imagine not having a forest to run thru - your very own forest.

and i tell my self that home is in your head. home is in your heart.

the forest is inside you.

well it isnt. it is in a precise location a latitude and longitude that NO ONE wants to be at with me.

except me. or can be at.

i have lived in Natchitoches for over ten years and it does not feel like home...it is not home.

it is just the place i live and work.

the forest is home i belong in the forest i dont know what is going to happen to me but

i am pretty sure whatever happens...i'll be alone.

and i think i've always known it.

one (finished)

 

So here is the painting i did for Jacob for xmas. I did decide to add hair so Voila!

Here she is finished.

What do you think? Everyone thinks it is one of my happier paintings but i think its kinda creepy.

Orange flowers are my anti-psychotic

So my doctor suggested i get back on the Navane, which is an antipyschotic medication that i take for a myriad of reasons, but it is a very low dose. So i started it and immediately got that weirdest feeling in the world  - that lasted for two days and is still lingering...I thought okay maybe I DONT need this medicine if my body reacts like this. Finally i thought to check the label and it was 2 mg instead of the 1mg or possibly even .5mg that I needed. GAAARGH!!! I know i should have checked my meds when i picked them up but...i just becomes such a habit. . The Doc always wants to give me this higher dose and I can NOT take it. I can level out and be fine on 1 mg but more is NOT merrier in this case. The weird feelings is pretty much that i felt sleepy and antsy at the same time...like my brain and eyes were jumpin around, yes some invisible force was pressing down on me. Lord. Anyway its fading and i will be more careful with that from now on.

So for xmas i did a painting for jacob bc he does not have any of my paintings and has always wanted one. So i gave him this

:

except i added hair at the last minute bc she looked so ......skinned i guess. Anway i was working on it til the last second and then finally i let it go and gave it to him and of course he LOVED it even though i was worried that he would find it creepy. Plus I didnt do as much texture work on this one and he loves that. The thing was, it was an already painted canvas that someone gave me and it had not been gessoed with a lot of layers...I am used to painting on gessoed wood so the canvas was much more absorbent that i was used to. Soaked up my paint..that canvas did.

Oh well. 

At this point I am fairly hung over so Im sure today will be interesting bc I have lots of work to do at the newspaper. And its 7am so its time to go get started.

IN THE TRUNK; Your life is now

My parents cleaned out storage a while back ago and I recovered this trunk. My mom says my sister and i used to keep our toys in it, but in my memory it has ALWAYS been in the Attic. Well now its in my house. i have to work on it a little but wont it look smashing next to my bright green Ikea rug? And by smashing I mean a little random retro color clashed and mashed.  Of course part of me wants to line it with fake grass (astro turf) and put a bust of one of my white tortured goddess figures in it. hmmm...

I wore a rather ridiculous (apparently) hat today and i was totally devastated (okay not really) when the ladies at the Dr.'s office laughed at my hat. They DID. I'm sure of it. Or that may have been the paranoia but.. hmmm  I think they laughed at my hat. Bitches. Well, looking ridiculously wonderful some days can be fun when life feels like a drag. and by drag - let me clarify - i mean going nowhere bc I'm indecisive about EVERYTHING. And overwhelmed by seemingly SMALL decisions.

And lately when i blog in my head..which, let me tell you, is always waaaay better that what i actually blog..it goes back to food and carbs and the economy. How protein is expensive and when i eat Carbs i get depressed and feel fat and slow but they are so cheap. A while back ago Emmy over at Frozen Oranges  blogged about food prices and eds and recovery and the connections and yeah. Yeah it sucks. Bc i would almost rather buy NO food...but i cant so have to buy cheap food which is usually unhealthy. So i try to make myself eat tuna (cheap high protein) and i almost have a psychotic BREAK bc im vegetarian and meat SCARES ME. bad. I feel like a MONSTER when i eat meat. but i think i could eat bugs..like locusts. Maybe. but not fish. and sure as hell NOT A MAMMAL. but all this Carb wheat cracker business has got to stop. Along with my inability to decide...bc there is no time like your life.

i'm my own voodoo doll

This pic is 3 years old, anyway, its about how I feel today -  like a birdPerched on a tiny spot just hangin on

- but I'm not that small anymore but-

the thing is i feel REAL ANXIOUS

bc I'm going to the Dr today, the gyno, bc i got a UTI and my other doc

was like well you need to go the gyno since you haven't been in like 3 years. And it sucks and i'm nervous but even worse i'm like oh my god. They are gonna WEIGH ME. no no nonononono. iI don't want to know Ireallydont. Last time the dr. weighed me i was freaked out for months and all the tastes of everything changed. and i couldnt eat without thinking of horrid things. like rottenfish and ovaries. And Soilent Green

Not that i ever lose weight -  if i eat or not. I have a static concrete immovable metabolism apparently. To even lose 5 lbs i was jogging  5miles and eating nil.Daily. For months. Anyway. God. Enougha that shit. Why am i even bloggin i have way toooo much workas in real work bc I'm ATWORK and there is a tornado warning and the sirens are going off and i feel way too full and my heart is pounding and and and

The Humidity down here is insane and I think it may be affecting my mental health.

The Voodoo down here is os thick i think it may be affecting my spiritual health

The spirits down here are so thick they are affecting  my voodoo

i cant get sick or well

The Sun is a Star. I'm neither Sick Nor Well.

The Sun is a Star. I had this theory when i was sickest that my life would be a ton better if i could just photosynthesize food like a plant. Just go out in the sun and that would be nourishment.

No chewing, No swallowing... No appetite. 

i have no idea how much i weigh.

It is horrifying, really considering that at one point

i TOOK MY SCALE WITH ME if i stayed overnight any where.  I just had to know. i HAD to.

and then when i had my gallbladder removed they weighed me on the medical scale and i totally lost it bc i realized MY scale had been wrong.

and later i was sharing this horror with my therapist and acknowledging the fact that i TOTALLY KNOW NUMBERS ON A SCALE MEAN NOTHING in the grand scheme things and she pointed out that I was strapped to a hospital bed getting anethesia and about to have an organ removed and all I cared about was my weight.  about 7 lbs of it. And i said yes. Yes i was. And i know that is sad. 

And i lost some weight after that. i mean the number was too big and i could not deal with it. but i stayed in my realm of safety. i have no idea how sick or recovered i am or ever was. i toppled from ana into ednos real quick. i know that i have screwed up my metabolism to the point that my body holds onto weight really easy and i can gain 5 lbs in a week. But  my therapist doesn't want to hear this, she never says anything about it. ..or the numbers and she NEVER weighs me. ever. And i think she is a genius for it bc she knows that is part of the game and she does not participate at all. The shrink hates that the therapist doesn't weigh me. She doesn't get it. She goes by charts and milligrams of medicines and numbers and statistics. My therapist doesn't discuss that. She will discuss Magical Thinking. And WHY the numbers are important to me. But what the DSM says is sick or well...we don't talk about it. And i want to...in a bad way. a measure, label, count and compare way. She is a smart woman. 

I have told her before that i truly believe I would have never ever gotten better if i had gone to a REAL treatment center. I think she agrees. Louisiana is a poor state and my parents got me the best treatment in the area and that was a stay in a pysch ward with a patchwork network of specialists..not an ED WARD. There was one down further south but we decided against it for the time being. It was really far and i responded well to the "treatment"

But if i had met a real live person AT THAT TIME, that was ana ...it may have been more of an affirmation...something to bond over. Competition is a bad thing to me. always. i hate it. and i avoid it. but in the ED world  - its warped and backward and things that would not mean anything in real life suddenly MEAN A LOT. i know that much....

I had a nutritionist but i didn't really listen to her. I got super medicated, too...but mostly i wanted to go home and get away from all those people. God. My Social Anxiety almost trumped the ED. As in , i ll eat anything you say if you let me go back home hide out and not have to see these people.

and i got better. i did. i got medicated and i got some friends and replaced the e.d. with other vices and then i went back to the e.d. But now, i keep my weight at a point that is healthy enough so that i can be strong enough for my family and not scare the hell out of them and sometimes i go thru the things i have eaten in my head and i have no clue if it is too much or too little or whatever..unless i have a chart. i have no intuitive eating skills anymore. i obliterated them. BUT! People always say you cant get better for anyone other than yourself...you have to do it for YOU. I disagree. I only got better for my family. I still ONLY STAY WEll for my family. If it were not for them i would most definitely be at an evil weight. and by evil i mean a weight that would finally, in the end, kill me. I discussed this with my Gypsy (that is, therapist) She said you are a fighter..and i said yes but only bc i had a lil sister to take care of. I mean really. At some points i would chew, chew, chew and swallow only for them. Swallowing past a lump in my throat and a racing panicked mind. I am terrified of a lot of foods. a lot. Martyr much? maybe. But I don't REMIND them of it and and they don't know. and that is fine. 

i am very lucky.. (or on the other side of the ED fence UNLUCKY) to have a hell of a resilient body. Tough as nails. Slow metabolism and Big Strong Bones. Genetically Fit. As in, it is very easy to hide a restricted diet and over zealous exercise routine. No one would suspect. I appear to be naturally thin. Im not. I am supposed to be about 20 lbs heavier.  Or i was. it is all screwed up now and i am already thirty. Well whatever. Recovery has become a lifestyle. but not RecoveRED. just recoverY.

what i hate the most is the giant discrepancy of weight charts and the BMI bullshit routine.

Some charts i'm ill, some charts i'm well.

I've been told not to pay attention to the chart in my head.

Headless angel with broken wings

That headless angel she follows me.

She wants to rescue me.

I don't trust her.

Yesterday's post was a bit of an emotional outburst.. I wanted to delete it but I think I'll keep it around...No sense in ruining my record of "Too Much Information So Now It's Awkward"

Comments.

I love comments and I love reading other blogs but I often get afraid to comment. It is silly, really but makes sense -  social anxiety on the internet. Anonymity does not cover the fact that what you say write may be really really dumb.

i get cyberstage fright.

And then there behind me is this headless angel whispering that it is okay.

but I don't trust her...so i take a pill.