Headed to NOLA!!

Im going to New Orleans tonight. That dreamy nightmare city that I LOVE. Me and my two best girls.
we are gong to a cemetery and art galleries.

I have been thinking that i am going change up the point of my blog. From now on, I'm gonna aim for no less than 3 posts a week and all will have drawings. I have been drawing almost every night. Lately, i just have not had many words and im perplexed bc for so long i had way way way tooooo MANY words. and then they slowed down.

So i plan on seeing art on this trip; maybe i will be inspired to post more drawings tuck them in this little corner of bloggy land.


Here is my luna moth painting from last month

Goddess of Mayhaws!

I made some sculpty figures over the weekend and picked these Mayhaws at Red River yesterday. Eventually I am going to Sand the little venus figure and make a little box for her to live in, but for now she is hangin out in the Mayhaws

Worlds Collide

This painting is new. It is about being caught between to worlds...the living and the dead, the reality everyone works adn shops in and the imaginary world in my head that seemed so much more real. Caught between sick and well...stretched grasping....one foot in the grave yet moving toward emerald city...Yellow makes me feel crazy. Staring into bright yellow for a long time could feel so good to my brain...but oh i just want to be wrapped up in colored light.

It takes guts...

So I had to leave work early to get to the doc an hour away to get my prescriptions and I told her I was doing great and Prozac is, like, the best thing that ever happened to me (and i mean that. i was so sick for a while i did not know it was possible to not have the deathlust daily). She said i looked good and asked me about calories and food and that kinda freaked me out bc i usually save that for the gypsy, and keep it brief with her. I hate when she says i look great. Healthy and Alive is scary. But only bc Sad and Death Bones was all i knew for so long and it was a sharp comfortable pain. Health feels Anxious.
It takes guts to stay well. to get well. It does. It takes guts to reach out to others, too. Hello dear friend, I am merely suggesting that you love your self. and you body.

I told her i m still terrified of real food; i exist on diet/nutrition food moslty and it seems to be working out okay. I dont tell her alot of things bc i dont want more meds. So i say its peachy. but the scary thing is, it kind of IS peachy. Where did the Compulsion go? really? was it the meds? was it the years of struggling to quiet the hate noise and death lust? a combo? How did i freaking get to a place as free from psychic pain as this? im shocked. Im so scared it won't last. The colors never looked so bright....sober.

But when i don't feel the gray drudge pain of a sick mind...I feel like something is missing.

Zydecajun

So here is a pic of me with Wayne Toup,s a zydeco musician who played in Zwolle sat night. I love the accordian, the band was great. Wayne was sweet and funny and he had a very pretty red accordian. Everyone - old people and little kids - were dancing all over the place. It was fun to watch..i love live music..and I love Louisiana, too even tho some parts are stupid and sad.

I was too exhausted to paint this weekend even tho i have a bad ass new jute canvas that clyde gave me. So I drew a lot and even dug out my old prisma color markers to play with. i will post those and my pics from the love/hate show soon.
I dont know if it is work or weather or my increased caffeine abuse but my god i have been sleepy. Half the time I feel like I am dreaming.

I miss those days were i slept all day and painted all night....okay back to work. work smerk.

and i didn't even get to go in!

So the funny thing about this pic is that i didnt actually make it INTO the museum but ....hey there is always NEXT TIME.
and i put it on facebook and refused to body snark on myself even tho i wanted to say OMiGOD.GUT!!! But whatever, i mean its the HIGH MUSEUM OF ART - can i not focus for two freaking seconds on the amount of space i take up? i annoy myself as if i am some one else. weird. shut up self Wait was that me?

Have not been bloggin much bc of numba one PARANOIA and numba two - not much time anymore. Since they fired the coolest manager ever and replaced him with creep-a-zoid who does not know how to do anything i have been working overtime. and drinking lots of coffee which is making me feel anxious and panicky and huge. but oh well. i stuck paintings in the LoVe/Hate art show in shreveport and that was fun.

i have got blog reading to catch up on. Strange how you can miss the blogworld when you get kinda sucked out of it.

disconnect

this pic is about the general (yet constant) disconnect one can feel from their own body...and life.

I feel really disconnected lately. I am i big or small? young or old? is everyone always this busy? is this just real life or i am not
fitting in...again.

I have not blogged in so long bc numba one, ive been working like crazy and numba two - i have gotten nervous about having all this stuff on the 'net. or i just can't decide if i shouldbe nervous about it or not..
So the sociopath is back in jail where he belongs.
i got some paintings to the Love/Hate art show but then i was too brain dead to stay very long and visit with everyone.

work is so different than it used to be. It used to be laid back and chill and we focused on graphic design the most but now it is sooo overwhelmingly busy and non stop and we are more worried about money and selling and getting the ads done fast. In a way it sucks but in a way it is good for me....challenge. However the working from 6:45am to midnight was waaay to much and hopefully that will stop.

I still feel tired from last week. I had over 20 hours of overtime. zap buzz snap **