so i made it and i am pretty much finally settled. I have internet and a bed and stuff. This is crazy adjustment time. I pretty much have a new body, a new place, a new job and a new city. and thousands of more people that I have ever been in contact with for an extended period of time and that, my friend, is absolutely bizzaro-land to me. All these people....like, 20 feet away - all the time, even while I am sleeping. Seriously, I have visited cities bigger than this, of course, and even stayed a while, but to build a semi permanent Nest in the middle of more than a million people is against my natural instinct. But I am okay. I like it, it is new and different and hopefully a step toward a better career path bc the small town newspaper was crushing my soul to bits. I understand that for some people a city can do the same, and maybe I won't be here forever but for now, I am soaking it all in and remaining relatively sane...no real panicky stuff or anything. Well, except for the body which has gotten massive and foreign and uncomfortable. I won't allow myself to dwell on it, though. That is not easy, but I have been rather stern with myself about it. One thing I have realized is this has been an exchange. I had to gain this weight to make this move. Really, I did. I was too weak physically mentally and emotionally before. The super underweight sick symptoms are different for different people, but my brain suffered first and worst. The panic was so strong. The extreme cold and joint pain and all that was there but my thinking was so strange and twisted. I could not have been vigilant enough to live in a city this dangerous. Anyway the odd thing is, I feel like I am in Recovery 20.0 or something but the people at the new job have already commented that I am thin and I never eat. On the other hand, people who knew me before have commented on how much "bigger" I am now. So strange how the (my) body is SO PRESENT. I have a painting of a mangled abstracted body that says
this body is my battlefield. And so it is.
This city was a battlefield too. More than once. The post-katrina stories I hear are horrendous...unbelievable. That horror is still there and I can feel it. Panic swells inside me when co-workers re-tell the story of the evacuation and the fire fights that took place here after most residents left (most of those stories remain unreported bc a lot of illegal things happened) However, living here is worth it, returning to this city was worth it for so many, and the recovery is worth it. Recovery of the city and of me.
