Brain in a Jar

Holey Moley I MADE it to my appointment and on TIME!! okaaaay almost on time..i was like 5 minutes late. But i was there and I felt like it went okay. I am going to start strattera AGAIN...in a different way and on a lower dose.
We shall see.
I had soooo many questions though.
about a TON of things.
But I don't even think she could answer most of them. I wish i could have tests done, i wish i could see and know what chemicals are spurting out and when and why. The roller coaster moods and the things i DO that don't even make sense to me.. Can i get a Manual for My Brain? Oh, well, it doesn't work that way.
Intrusive Thoughts? Bleh! I dont understand! i WANT to understand. I know that genius science brain doctors are still studying all this and there is no easy answer. This wanting to know, like, KNOW is a new thing for me. But if i could just see my chemical reactions during a panic attack on a graph or something... I don't know. Maybe i am grasping at threads...wanting a solid explanation for a fluid question? Ah do you feel separate from and curious about Your Brain?

Is this my Mask?

Sometimes I feel so tired..inside
This painting is old... a few years.
But it still rings true.

my brain is churning and these waves
of panic keep going over me.

I have to figure something out
I have to figure out whose mask this is

Sometimes i mourn the loss of each day
I know you have to look forward and
everything...
but i remember who I used to be and
it seems like that person is dead somewhere

the good of her
and thebad of her

life is about lettin go, i keep learning that.
I keep learning that i HAVE to let go...
 i have not learned how to do it and not let it HURT.
Do you just let the pain wash over you? do you just sit with it? it hurts SO bad.
I told someone two days ago that i was not depressed anymore but...
I think i was just not depressed at THAT moment.
each moment feels like a whole new mood. This is very exhausting.
I see the doctor tomorrow.

Unfinished Dream...

Pretty sure I suck right now...pretty sure i gained 15lbs since the wii post. pretty sure i said the wrong thing...like repeatedly. Pretty sure diuretics are harmless. pretty sure my therapist hates me. Okay, Not. Really.

I just screwed up my times and missed some appointments. and rescheduled and then missed those.

I sincerely wish that i could be the Strong One when everyone around me collapses but honestly
really
truly
i'm ready to fall most of the time.

Rejected!

Maybe my perception of the world and of people  is way off  - or maybe i am just strange (could be...) but my attempts at "joining" things - clubs, movements, organizations, etc is always met with - well. ReJeCTiOn. or at the least, AWKWARD.
I am pretty much a loner and always have been and I am pretty much okay with that. Actually I am tooooo "okay" with that - it scares me how much i LOVE silence and being alone. But that being said, I, of course do need people and lately, have been thinking that I have might actually have something to *GIVE* to the world. I am not sure what but i have an able body and I am not afraid to work.
This town sucks in a LOT of ways. It is small and old and most of the people are pretty narrow minded. But still. a SERVICE organization that is non profit surely would welcome able bodies to come and work...right? Nah. Nah, really, like I said, I could be way too sensitive about stuff but pretty sure - I just do not fit in here. And that is fine, bc i am pretty solid in my head about who i am and what I think is important...I may be too

Behind the Sun

I can't sleep and I would just like to say to no one in particular and everyone in the world, that i am LONGING for summertime and just spent 30 minutes looking at pics from the summer of 2008. (apparently I did not take  many pics summer of 2009 without The Boy which i do not want to look at for obvious reasons...like im trying to NOT BE SAD)
This is Louisiana and it does not get very cold here and the cold that we've had this year, I have tolerated better than other years. (prob bc i have more meat o'er these bones) However, the winter is getting to me, and it is NOT the cold or even the dead grass, IT IS THE DARKNESS. not, like, the band, ya know. The  ACTUAL lack of sunlight is getting to me. I need it. I need sunlight. I seriously am considering on of those heat lamp things that give you vitamin D or what have you. The Depression + the Dark of January + Anxiety does not a happy girl make.

holding my breath

i am so anxious right now, i feel like i have ants beneath my skin. Really my skin feels loose and wrong. my body feels enormous and the space i am in seems tiny. This pressure is waytoomuch
Maybe it is too much caffeine? Nothing feels real. i hate lunch. and i ate lunch.
my thoughts and ideas are Rushing....
and i want to run.

Something to Believe In

  

The news of past week or so has gone and left us shocked and reeling....The stories that keep rolling out of Haiti have many of us feeling forlorn bc there is nothing we can do....We see this suffering and this disaster and then .... go pay the phone bill. I mean, really, the world seems so off balance..you reach out with one hand...leave one hand on your heart...you might lose your balance or the  did world's spinning knock you down? Nothing is fair.
I watched several of MLK speeches today and cried. All my cynical friends say nothing has changed much...but I refuse to believe it. For all the evil parts of hearts I see....I can always find a golden one. Battered maybe...but wouldn't you rather fight on the side of Kindness, Grace, Justice, and Equality, even it is the side that appears to lose? I swear I would. I would. My heart can't lose.
I lost faith in a hell of a lot things... a lot of people...a lot of gods...a lot of drugs.....a lot of dreams. But listen, when I see a kind deed or hear a single whisper of encouragement...it explodes in my head...like sparks of color. That is where the truth is..those little moments when our heart strings brush together..in this giant tapestry of pain and confusion and pollution and wildflowers and disaster and shame and forgiveness and hope.  That is what we have  faith in. I don't know what else I have got here....The things that I can TOUCH are the things that I KNOW I can lose....these wisps in my heart and mind are the only things I know I can believe in. And I am trying really really hard to hold on and to press on against the darkness....

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr. 


Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. 
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Oh My Aging Face, Oh My Aching heart (time bomb)

 Oh my aging face, oh my aching heart.....PLUCK! fleur de what? Flower of life? 

You guys my mood is plummeting and I am struggling and listen, I am TERRIFIED of falling back down to Depressed.  Seriously, im - I'm Scared.  I am scared of getting sick again and I am scared of depression and i am scared of getting old. (there. i said it)

Here is what happened - I said to a friend, " I think I am gettin a double chin, i wonder if i have gained weight in my face" and the friend said, "oh no, you have not gained weight, as you get older your skin loosens and sags beneath your chin. It is okay, it just happens."  I THINK this person was attempting to console me bc they think i have a "fear of fat" but.... not sure. 

I went like this 

-  BLINK - blink  - blink.

 "i'm not feeling so well. i think i will go home now " 

Um. yeah. Not sure why, but i really did feel sick. Bc it's not like i didnt know that i was going to age like every living thing on earth. But the thing is...My whole life i thought that people trashed aging simply for Vanity reasons, you know, like how our culture loves youth and prettiness and this whole superficial thing.  But now that i am 31 it is dawning on me that when things change physically it is much more than just the physical that changes. Things HURT. People judge you and perceive in a whole new way. and you can't, like, wear striped toe socks pulled up to yr knees with rubber boots and a tie dye scarf and get away with it. I know that I still have time to salvage the wreckage of my life...I am just preparing myself now bc i feel like this is gonna be 10000x worse than puberty and honestly i barely survived that shit. BARELY.

I would be lying if i said i don't care about my appearance. I do, like most people. but the thing that bugs me, the thing that gets me, the thing that GOT ME in the beginning (AN) is having a body and not being able to CONTROL any of it. It is not that i care that i AM ugly/old/fat/short/pale/ its bc I CANT CONTROL ANY OF IT!!! and i cant control the way people (mainly dudes) perceive me!!! and comment on their perceptions. I tried to be invisible for so long. i wanted to fit in the tiniest box in the tiniest corner of the tiniest room of the most forgotten place on earth.....

but now i don't.

now i want to live. is it too late?

and my aching heart

and my aging face

are time bombs.

Sometimes I Seriously...

....have to ask myself why I can't be normal for, like, five minutes outta the day.
You ever feel like there are 23 million emotions coming in and you KNOW that whichever one you react to may very well make you appear ridiculous? So you are smashing down big giant tidal waves of emotion in order to like, pay the-about-to-get-cut-off-electric-bill, get back to work before break is up, walk the dog, brush teeth, find keys, and then go speak with this customer who is irate and rude for no real reason. That gets to me so much - dealing with total jerk-faces. So, this lady screamed at me on the phone yesterday at work. She was totally condescending and rude and I got completely totally upset. Really. Ruined my whole day. Still, I get angry thinking about it.... That incident totally propelled me downward into this spiraling thought process of "omg i am going to have to deal with horrible people forever even if i get another job or another job or another job or go back to school or even if i teach there are these people and they are out there and they are mean." I would rather be in a real life zombie horror movie than deal with the mundane every day jerkface, ya know? and i am nice! I am pretty committed to being Kind and Non Judgemental and Accepting and Non materialistic bc i think these things are important and I am TRYING to self actualize and *be the change i wanna see* and all that....But i find it to be very.veryveryveryveryDdDifficult. dif-DIFFICULT to exert CONTROL over my emotions.... even when i do breathing exercises. (yesIdo breathing exercises) Okay, but one thing is this:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt. 

and another one is this:

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.

-- Eric Hoffer

Getting Back to Awesome..

A million steps forward..one step back and WHAM-O! There I am in The Land of Disorderly Thinking. It SUCKS that I still struggle with this, but listen, I DO.  I hear the words underweight from a stupid machine and I'm ticking like a time bomb. It is like a SPELL WAS CAST. Really.
I was pretty proud bc i got through the holidays like a normal person. I ate around people and everything. And there were some panicky moments about possible OVER consumption but - I silenced them. Getting dressed went smoothly most of the time, you know? No neurotic fits over fabric touching skin -  snug? or not snug? looser? tighter? whatev, who cares! Enjoy these moments, self. Love this Life.....And i was kinda doing it, I thought.
But the thing with the boy..I mean, I freaked. I really did and I wanted to just slide back down into whatever it is I do to make real life go away. By "whatever," I mean, you know, smoke or drink or starve or si or just avoid or-- - pick your poison. But I didn't. I faced it. I talked about it, with my (few) friends and even my parents. I opened up. That is good. right? Isn't it?

It never goes away...or maybe it does, but i have to get ready to deal with it if it doesn't.
Bc today, deciding whether to eat lunch or not almost made me hyperventilate. and that ain't cool.
and it hasn't happened like that in a good long while.
i just wasn't prepared for the LONGING... It caught me off guard. I felt kinda fiendish.
Well. I am fixin to go Back to Awesome.
I am just going to have to deal with the fact that I may WANT to be hungry.
but i will eat anyway.
I am going to have to deal with the fact that I MAY very well
be struck with an overwhelming desire to smoke or drink or starve
suddenly and without warning
for the rest of my life.

That desire is a bitch.  BUT. I'm way cooler and stronger than it is.
I cant love my people as good when I am hungry.
and i want to love them the best i can.
and Me even. I am not punishing ME anymore.
cuz i did the best I could, ya know? and I bet you did, too.
and surely, I messed up sometimes -  and sometimes
I did it just right.

either way, it is gonna be just fine. I can deal with it.

Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall and Patti Smith  didn't get a prize for being hungriest.
Neither did Elizabeth Cady Stanton or  Kathe Kollwitz.

and neither will I.

Focus

The wii told me i was underweight today. I would be lying if I said that this did not give me big sense of relief.
On xmas, The wii said I was low normal. I thought I had gained since then, but apparently not (if the wii is to be believed.)

I did not ask the wii my actual weight, to be on the safe side, and to show off how NOT NEUROTIC I am. Nice option, there, wii. Thanks for considering that. (really, whoever had that idea should get a gold star -  you can opt to not know the numbers)
the Not Neurotic thing...that worked well.
right? RIGHT?!
sigh.
Yes, I will focus on anything in order to focus on nothing.

and i will admit that i feel pretty ashamed for feeling pleased
for having lost weight im feeding the monster

My Moral Code Got Lost In Translation

If you want to torture me seriously, make me listen to extremely privileged ADULT people whine about tiny insignificant common things like, oh, standing in line. My head will explode. Really. Bc, yah, I am totally spoiled, okay. I like fashion-y stuff and new clothes and shiny things and sleeping late and all that but god, the idea that I am too much of a princess to have to endure lowly-common-people things like sneezing or getting stuck in a traffic jam is ridicuLOUSSssss. I mean sure i *WISH* i could just float around in a castle all day wearing, you know, velvet and glitter and perfectly deconstructed demin but i'm not going to ACT like it!! or treat others as if I am supposed to be wearing a crown.
Am i gettin' old? (yesssss)  bc i am thinkin'
 crotchety old man things like 'kids today don't know nothin' about work'  and wishing for nothing more than to send the Name Brand Lovers to sweat shops in India for a day.

Life does suck in oh.so.many.ways. And while I completely, totally understand being a total LUSH about some things -  there has to be some kind of balance, here right? I mean if you ever start to think you are too good to wash a dish by hand then uh....some humility may be needed realquicklike


I kinda blame the celebrity culture worship thing ( i don't get that at all. Like, at all - what is so great about appearance? uh..nothing. Give me MadameCurie or JaneGoodall, please. pleeeeeeze!) Being exposed to a false, plastic, unattainable, perfect world since birth can not be good for a mind that is forced to live in a wretched, imperfect world. I know there are a jillion anthropological articles on this  - from Margaret Mead onward -  but I'm not researching here (unfortunately i am work).

Honestly, the vanity and selfish nature I despise in others is the same vanity I despise in myself. I acknowledge that materialism and a shallow focus on appearance is pretty immoral, though. And I strive to NOT be that way. but I am looking around going holyshite! these people are totally comfortable and fine and accepting of vanity. and now I'm  just confused. cuz i think it sux, yo.

•And im not trying to sound like a martyr here, either - im just ruminating.

••(and when i say vanity,  I don't mean wanting to look yr best, or take care of yrself or anything. I mean that Extreme Belief that looking yr best is more important than even being KIND or looking yr best means looking better than everyone else)

Living Well...In progress

Living well..is the best Revenge. You every heard that? Someone told me that and I'm like whoa now! Hang on, wait a minute. I don't want revenge! I am a little bit angry at my ex (maybe a few of them) about specific things that did not go how I predicted or wanted, but my god. I certainly don't hate anyone and I do not want anyone in my past (or present) to think that  I did not care about them or that they were easy to get over or shake off. A human being, and my relationship with them, romantic or otherwise, is nothing I would ever blow off. EVER.
And The Boy That Asked..well he is pretty amazing. And if I saw him right now..not sure if i would hug him or punch him. The last thing i said to him was "leave me alone." Emotions are way complex and I can be too impulsive.. dont trust myself-compulsive..unpredictable. Slighly manic usually a slightly sad daydreaming disaster..but my EGO. My ego does not require the pain of another person....I generally despise causing pain to others (yep i'm totes a masochist lol)
I think the proposal threw me for a an 8 mile loop bc i knew it was an Ultimatum. And i knew I could not say yes. So that meant it was Over.
I hate Over.

(this is what the painting in the previous post turned into)

what i do

Well the anger has subsided and now I am back to sad again.
I have not spoken to him, but I am sure he is doing fine...My emotions tend to be so complex and looooong. Really, do you feel the same sadness in waves forever? Is that being human? So funny how old I feel, but still feel I have soooo much to learn about living.
Here is a pic of my studio space.
I am painting and I am living.
Lots to learn about both
 This is what I do.
and I am not giving up.

Fairy Tale Shoes

You know how in Once Upon A Time there was always a prince to kiss, a spell to break, or some red ballet shoes or maybe golden ones or glass slippers or something?..... well these are my fairy tale shoes. They are Steel Toe. and Water Reistant. And of course they hurt my feet. I don't own  them but i want them... in real life )bc i have a total Red Shoe Fetish) and in my fantasy world) bc i need a new power prop.)





Kick Punch Stomp Dance. Blare Modest Mouse as LOUD as i can and drum the hell outta my steering well. Drink Champagne. Paint paint paint. Draw. I miss my friends, they are all scattered out....I exhaust myself trying to visit all of them and then some get left out and my heart is like, GAPING open.

So the sadness and shock and WTF of the marriage proposal has faded and now i am just angry. Angry at how SELFISH people are....Real love means pressuring someone to do WHAT you want them to do, ignoring what is best for them, putting your giant ego first and never listening.
Real love means playing on other people's sympathy to get exactly what you want.
Real love means using Passive Aggression Manipulation to get what you want.
No. Not it doesn't.
So I am wise enough to know that i DONT KNOW what real love is EXACTLY
but i am wise enough to know what it IS NOT.

Oh and I don't mind being the bad guy. I'll be the evil one. Yeah, i said NO. Because it was the RIGHT thing to do. Not the Easy Thing and certainly not the Fun Thing (i kinda think it would be bad ass to plan a wedding and then move outta this state)
But i sure as hell know that "to death to us part" is a loooooooong time. Have you ever seen someone who is 76....Do you love them enough to bring them their walker? bed pan? wash out their feeding tube or trach? The glamour of love fades fast. and i am not giving my life to a person who finds a fish too much trouble to keep. I don't go in a tank. I can't be returned when i am too much trouble. I am a not a roller coaster that you can just *get off*  and *on* when you want.
This is REAL LIFE. This is IT. but I'll be a witch in red shoes if need be.
But don.t pressure me
i did the right thing

and the winner is....

Miss Maladaptive Universe 2009


will be


passing down her crown.


Very soon.


(has soon as Miss 2010 gets it together....
and gets down here)