Oh my aging face, oh my aching heart.....PLUCK! fleur de what? Flower of life?
You guys my mood is plummeting and I am struggling and listen, I am TERRIFIED of falling back down to Depressed. Seriously, im - I'm Scared. I am scared of getting sick again and I am scared of depression and i am scared of getting old. (there. i said it)
Here is what happened - I said to a friend, " I think I am gettin a double chin, i wonder if i have gained weight in my face" and the friend said, "oh no, you have not gained weight, as you get older your skin loosens and sags beneath your chin. It is okay, it just happens." I THINK this person was attempting to console me bc they think i have a "fear of fat" but.... not sure.
I went like this
- BLINK - blink - blink.
"i'm not feeling so well. i think i will go home now "
Um. yeah. Not sure why, but i really did feel sick. Bc it's not like i didnt know that i was going to age like every living thing on earth. But the thing is...My whole life i thought that people trashed aging simply for Vanity reasons, you know, like how our culture loves youth and prettiness and this whole superficial thing. But now that i am 31 it is dawning on me that when things change physically it is much more than just the physical that changes. Things HURT. People judge you and perceive in a whole new way. and you can't, like, wear striped toe socks pulled up to yr knees with rubber boots and a tie dye scarf and get away with it. I know that I still have time to salvage the wreckage of my life...I am just preparing myself now bc i feel like this is gonna be 10000x worse than puberty and honestly i barely survived that shit. BARELY.
I would be lying if i said i don't care about my appearance. I do, like most people. but the thing that bugs me, the thing that gets me, the thing that GOT ME in the beginning (AN) is having a body and not being able to CONTROL any of it. It is not that i care that i AM ugly/old/fat/short/pale/ its bc I CANT CONTROL ANY OF IT!!! and i cant control the way people (mainly dudes) perceive me!!! and comment on their perceptions. I tried to be invisible for so long. i wanted to fit in the tiniest box in the tiniest corner of the tiniest room of the most forgotten place on earth.....
but now i don't.
now i want to live. is it too late?
and my aching heart
and my aging face
are time bombs.
7 comments:
I'm scared of getting old too. It is the lack of control, and how people view people. Sometimes I hope ED kills me before I get old - it's the least he could do after all the hell he's put me through.
I don't want to get old either, it scares the crap out of me. And I'm probably already old to you - I'm 49. I kind of have a plan to avoid getting old. I hope I don't have to use it, but I can't see coming to terms with aging anytime soon.
sometimes it is realy hard because its like there is nothing right anyone can say, no matter what kind of comment I get back when it is about my looks.. I will take it the wrong way, or read way into it, or imagine that they are finding it hard to have to lie when they are giving me a compliment. even compliments i sometimes take the wrong way.
phew. the mind if a ED.
get this....
we were working on a film and the main actor was having a bit of a giggle about how much weight he had put on during the 4 weeks of filming, and she (in front of everyone) said "oh don't even worry about it.. lou lou has put on weight as well.. *turns to me* haven't you lou lou?!) holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was like... straight up, no misinterpreting..
some people....
she brought it up another time during lunch and even though she was my boss i gave her huge evils and said I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT AT LUNCH
(if that doesnt make sense it was the producer maing the actor feel better by letting him know I was also on the weight-gain-train
When I think of old, I think like 80. But...in the way society's views old...i think i am already there.
I want sooooo bad - to equate aging with wisdom. To devote as much energy to my brain and heart as i have to my skin and diet...I want to be gracious and kind, not bitter and jealous and full of regret.
How do you do that?
i think my ED stunted my emotional growth. Really, the "body image model" does not fit me as much as the 'terrified to grow up, Using ED to retain childlike qualities" model.
I am pretty much having a panic wave bc of my breakfast.
loulou - i imagine that working in the field you work in can be tremendously difficult...esp with those kind of comments! ugh.
Yeah i can hardly take a compliment, either.
we are so hard on ourselves we imagine other people are too...
Getting old can be scary, sure. I don't think you're alone in that. And I totally get the "control" (or lack of control, actually) aspect of it.
The thing is, just as we can't control aging, we can NEVER control what other people think. We can't stop them from judging or thinking or forming opinions, or even saying hurtful things. It's never going to happen. And unfortunately, we have to accept it or we are going to be very unhappy people. The accepting is the most difficult thing. BUT we CAN control how we feel. About ourselves. About others. About life. We can control our happiness. We think we can't because of all the shit in the world that saddens us and brings us pain.
But you know those people who always seem optimistic and happy in the face of real tragedies? Well, they've mastered it. And you know how even at celebrations and really fun, happy events you can feel down and sad and lonely? Well, that just proves that it is all within us. It is not the world, or life that makes us happy or unhappy. It is ourselves. Accept each thing that comes our way (no easy task), and you will slowly learn that you can be and feel okay with the changes you cannot control.
I don't pretend to be a master of this. I am working on it myself. When bad things happen, I get sad. When I feel judged, I get upset. But I have changed a lot, learned to accept a lot more, and I am much more content because of it. And I'm still going, because I know that it's all within me. To be able to feel good. We can't change everybody else or our aging bodies, but we can change our thinking/emotions and learn to be happier. I want it for me and for you!
amazing how it all goes back to how we feel about our breakfast. so frustrating.
i felt so young at 31. i'm sorry you don't. i think women are so beautiful in their thirties. i'll be 46 next birthday -- that startles me, but i've decided i'm going to be okay. at least for now.
hope you weave this into your work -- how beautiful was jane goodall in her later years? marie curie?
and hope you're having a better body day!
Post a Comment