Kick Punch Stomp Dance. Blare Modest Mouse as LOUD as i can and drum the hell outta my steering well. Drink Champagne. Paint paint paint. Draw. I miss my friends, they are all scattered out....I exhaust myself trying to visit all of them and then some get left out and my heart is like, GAPING open.
So the sadness and shock and WTF of the marriage proposal has faded and now i am just angry. Angry at how SELFISH people are....Real love means pressuring someone to do WHAT you want them to do, ignoring what is best for them, putting your giant ego first and never listening.
Real love means playing on other people's sympathy to get exactly what you want.
Real love means using Passive Aggression Manipulation to get what you want.
No. Not it doesn't.
So I am wise enough to know that i DONT KNOW what real love is EXACTLY
but i am wise enough to know what it IS NOT.
Oh and I don't mind being the bad guy. I'll be the evil one. Yeah, i said NO. Because it was the RIGHT thing to do. Not the Easy Thing and certainly not the Fun Thing (i kinda think it would be bad ass to plan a wedding and then move outta this state)
But i sure as hell know that "to death to us part" is a loooooooong time. Have you ever seen someone who is 76....Do you love them enough to bring them their walker? bed pan? wash out their feeding tube or trach? The glamour of love fades fast. and i am not giving my life to a person who finds a fish too much trouble to keep. I don't go in a tank. I can't be returned when i am too much trouble. I am a not a roller coaster that you can just *get off* and *on* when you want.
This is REAL LIFE. This is IT. but I'll be a witch in red shoes if need be.
But don.t pressure me
i did the right thing
7 comments:
doing the right thing always seems to be the hardest. as that saying goes 'what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger' but life is about chances and guessing what's right versus wrong. ugh, a roller coaster indeed.
I'm glad you were able to recognize that what he was offering wasn't real love. Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and who knows how long that will take? Not something you really want to wait around for...
Just curious... what do you think is preventing you from moving out of state on your own? Not that it's a simple thing or anything, I know that I am kind of scared out of my mind just thinking about the possibility of doing it myself and not having anyone or anything familiar to me.
Oh, and those boots are incredible. Who needs men when you can fall in love with shoes? (Yes I'm kidding... mostly) :)
Anon - I agree that 'chance' has a huge impact on life and sometimes you are blindly making choices but i do not think there is much guess-work in Morality.
Generally speaking it is wrong to kill and steal and it is wrong to make promises you are not sure you can keep.
i don't think Right and Wrong is about Guessing...If a person doesn't KNOW that it is wrong to use people or to lie maliciously then....theirs is a frightful existence.
"conscience" i guess is what i am gettin at...
i may have mis-interpreted what you meant - sorry if i did
Licketysplit - THANK YOU for asking that! Emotionally it is FEAR. My biggest fear is being homeless. Not bc i wouldn't survive but bc it would suck. ON a more logical and present front, it is JOBS....if i had a great job i think i could stand being in unfamiliar places but right now...yeah the economy stinks.
plus the idea of a crappy job in an unfamiliar place is just too overwhelming.
My best friends and I have talked about moving together and that is probably what will happen.
leaving my family will be hard, but I can do it, if i do it for the right reason, you know?
thanks for commenting! :)
yeah, moving and finding a job is a scary thing, but when you do do it, its so rewarding to know you DID it. does that make sense? everyone has those stricken fears of being homeless, but sometimes it makes you work hard to accomplish that. i don't know if this helps, you know its just words.
as far as the guy thing goes, whoa, omg, sounds a bit shaky, but if it was LOVE than he would move to you. from my own personal experience, you just know when its right! no second guessing or wild thoughts.
good luck out there!
anon 2 - thanks! i really do appreciate comments. all advice is worth it, i think. It is good to hear other points of view!
okay, those boots are fantastic. i wish you could have them
yes, when we know, it is right. i often pray for clarity, because my usual state is ambivalence. when i know, it's amazing. if it's something that brings sadness or loneliness, i'll have look the other way when clarity is hitting me over the head, but in the end, what we know is right - is.
romantic, dramatic love is enticing and thrilling. solid love brings calm and safety AND it can be romantic too. that's the part to remember.
you are so talented, smart and insightful -- you will always have work and interesting opportunities.
i always want to leave my state too, but i am scared too. we'll see.
warm thoughts your way, ghost girl.
Post a Comment