Sometimes I say I am going to lay off the eating disorder topic and sometimes its all i want to blog about/read about it bc so many of my thoughts go to food and eating and size and shape and the weight of the space AROUND me as it presses down against me. Could it be physics? Really, maybe my e.d. was caused by the SPACE AROUND ME pushing in on me. riiight. Oh wait, that is anxiety.
crackers for breakfast• crackers for lunch• crackers for dinner.
no protein. I neeeeeeeed protein. I need it, I get cranky and depressed and exhausted w/out it but my god it is hard to eat it. ...but sometimes i can do it. (chew chew chew swallow don't think, don't dont't don't THINK..chew.)
But..I'm cat-sitting for this really cool lady, right. Well, I have to feed her cats canned food...and it makes me NOT want to eat...for the rest of the day. Really my brain just makes all these icky connections and the best i can do as far as eating is only eat really bland things. Okay, then, brain...we will EAT crackers. great. CARBS. really? ugh.
I don't know why it is soooo complicated....i just get so disgusted by the nature of food - what it really IS.
I don't know why
and part of me doesn't care! i will stay strong - even i have to drink meals.
This is all very NEW. This never happened in the earlier more severe parts of my bizare food neurosis. There was no repulsive connections between food and meat or death or gross things.
There was just RESTRICTION.
So maybe parts of my mind are fighting against me being well.....??
I tend to do that. Fight against myself. Don't we all...?? in some way or another.
Anyway..the damn cats. I LIKE the cats. I have a dog. I'm a dog type-o-person. and i like fish. but i dream that i have to eat fish. and that sucks. bc the fish whisper to me.and they ask me not to eat them!!!!
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