Stiches and scabs. This is where the healing begins. This is where you make it happen, how you keep going how you swear to the sky you won't give up. I want to give up. i want to dig a shallow hole in cool damp earth and feel it press against my back and shoulder blades and dig in and relax and sink. I love the earth, when i was younger, I would happily dig up worms and roots and marvel at the shades of black and brown and tan and sandy grain and fluffy soil and how it felt soft like my mother. Under my nail and between toes, it felt like home all over me.
Nothing feels so good and real and whole and honest and that is where i want to be, every particle of me wants to dissolve back into it, every particle but one.
and that one particle has your name it, whoever you are.
i love you.
i am patchwork. i am pulling it together.
i am reaching for the sky now.
6 comments:
"when i was younger, I would happily dig up worms and roots and marvel"
this was really moving. there WAS a time when you were joyous and free. i believe that means we have it in us to feel this way again.
i wrote a long comment for the last post, but i think i deleted it. an amazing drawing -- something about it was particularly real to me.
i have to run now -- at work, but i'm really thinking about you.
love,
melissa
You have an amazing heart melissa. and an amazing brain. I think of you often.
beautiful words and thoughts.
Love you too.
Dearest Shawna,
I found your blog, as this so often goes, through someone else's blog. I think I was captivated, initially, by a comment you had left on her blog, or maybe I just found you on her blogroll. I added you to my blogroll and went on my way, not really actively participating in the blogging community. Sometimes, new posts of yours would pop up in my feed. I would skim bits and pieces. There was really only one blog I checked consistently at that time. The more I skimmed, the more I wanted to skim and read, if that makes any sense. The more I slowed down, I realized holy crap this girl (young woman) is amazing!! I started to read entire posts. Phrases stuck with me, especially like those that end this post. She loves me. She said it. Sometimes people say things like that. With you, I actually believed it. I hoped that you really meant it, that you were a person who would say those things because you meant them. I decided that I needed to do this blog, and your beautiful feelings and experiences and writing, justice, and read the entire thing. I think for about two weeks I did just that. This is what I read for my "leisure reading." I now have a quote of part of one of your posts, attributed to you and everything, taped up in my living room at my dorm/apartment. I found it so beautiful and was so excited when I read it, it really touched me. I just wanted to let you know that I think I can honestly say that I whole heartedly love you as a person. I think you are absolutely heartbreakingly beautiful, as a person, inside and out. I hope this isn't too much. I feel that I'm usually too much for people and need to tone it down because I'm always worried that people will think I'm creepy. Really, I'm just being honest. And some people burn brighter than others for me. And I rejoice when I find them. Take care Shawna, it would be cool to be able to talk to you more some time :)
Peace,
TalkativeWallflower
talkative wildflower ...i just found this comment and am totally stunned... not sure why i never saw it earlier. I have notifications set up. Wow, I am kind of speechless...thank you so much. I am sad today, it was a good day to find your commet! peace to you
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