Breathe deep

When i am old and ragged there will be love in my bones, wrapped and tied there with ribbons of sadness splattered with joy. I haven't lost anything by opening my heart even though all the words tumbled out and were away like wisps I held the blood in and I held all of you in til we were faded digital dreams on broken screens 💚🌙🕸

I Circle the Fish

fish swimming circles inside my skull, i am.
right, wrong
write wrong
words.
say them.

Distracted. Not liking myself very much. I want OUT of my SELF.

bad things are everywhere.

good things are everywhere, too right? promise me this.

No promise good enough to keep. How long til i get over losing you? 

yes you. all of you.

 Mistakes were made, fallen flowers landed incorrectly...near your stare.

stony stare- silent creaking stairs at midnight. Careful.

I dream about my grandmothers house so often. She died in July. The day before my 32nd birthday. I haven't been back to her house since that day. My heart is so heavy with generations of loss handed down to us so we would not forget but this is heavy how do i move? Carrying all of your hearts on my back, blood drips twirling in such cataclysmic patterns over my calves and thighs and spatters over the stars on my feet down to the earth. the dirt i want to be.

I did it all for love, but sometimes a horror down inside me suggests that I did it all for obsession. a bundle of sick chemicals. buzzing outward toward your brain circuits and empty chest.

I miss you like you are dead and since you aren't i feel as if i am cheating the beloved dead by the comparison of mourning rituals. I am not. I am not.

I miss my mother and my father and the tree outside the dirty window in the house i grew up in. I need more adjectives for my clumsy chunks of words falling like drunk fish and landing like those platform black shoes from the nineties that were so good for stomping down streets littered with paper and vomit and broken glass and the flyers from the show we drove 5 hours to see.
we were never disappointed.

I have this overwhelming desire to cry your eyes out. starve your heart out. splinters for my bone machine rusting away under waves of flesh ebbing and reaching up for the moon. something is going to change and one day it is going to be better than this.

I am Patchwork

 

Stiches and scabs. This is where the healing begins. This is where you make it happen, how you keep going how you swear to the sky you won't give up. I want to give up. i want to dig a shallow hole in cool damp earth and feel it press against my back and shoulder blades and dig in and relax and sink. I love the earth, when i was younger, I  would happily dig up worms and roots and marvel at the shades of black and brown and tan and sandy grain and fluffy soil and how it felt soft like my mother. Under my nail and between toes, it felt like home all over me.

Nothing feels so good and real and whole and honest and that is where i want to be, every particle of me wants to dissolve back into it, every particle but one.

and that one particle has your name it, whoever you are.

i love you.

i am patchwork. i am pulling it together.

i am reaching for the sky now.

what I am doing

is what i said I was going to do, right? I moved here for the job, I went back to school, I live alone. This is fine, this is okay -  I am going to be okay. I did what I said I was going to do. It hurts, it sucks. Whatever. I don't know why I suddenly reverted back to a weaker version of me, but I feel like I may collapse if I have to feel one more drop of pain. Anyone's pain. I'm a sponge, im a goddamn sponge for other people's pain. I don't know why. The people that I get close too, i get this overwhelming sort of empathy or something...I don't know why I am so emotional -  I always have been -  it makes everything much more difficult and for no real reason. I am frequently in an enormous amount of psychic pain and i just really want it to stop and the more people I meet the more pain I feel.

I am not sure what is going to happen next.