is what i said I was going to do, right? I moved here for the job, I went back to school, I live alone. This is fine, this is okay - I am going to be okay. I did what I said I was going to do. It hurts, it sucks. Whatever. I don't know why I suddenly reverted back to a weaker version of me, but I feel like I may collapse if I have to feel one more drop of pain. Anyone's pain. I'm a sponge, im a goddamn sponge for other people's pain. I don't know why. The people that I get close too, i get this overwhelming sort of empathy or something...I don't know why I am so emotional - I always have been - it makes everything much more difficult and for no real reason. I am frequently in an enormous amount of psychic pain and i just really want it to stop and the more people I meet the more pain I feel.
I am not sure what is going to happen next.
2 comments:
the way people view pain is so interesting because everyone looks at it differently. some avoid it like the plague, never wanting to experience the thrill of the moment or that overwhelming fear it creates. others look for that moment in which enlightenment comes, but in everyday life it just sucks.
the pain for interacting with people drove me to hate. hate,hate, hate, people, life, beautiful things, warmth, and all i wanted was just to die a slow painful death but no matter how much i tried, something held me back. i became an empty shell of a being because i couldn't or didn't want to love. i knew it was only a matter of time what i loved would be taken away. so my relationships were based on control over me or some type of stability. my impulsive behaviors would led me to doing stupid shit, like being used and me using people.
i understand now, there is better ways to deal with it all; life, people. it takes so much energy to hate, but love...gives energy and a renewal.
in my head, i hug everyone and i kiss everything but its unrealistic because society doesn't work that way. people are only looking for a quickie, just a moment of instant gratification instead of those long talks or simple moments that make life worth living.
life is the pain we can not escape until the end. i hope you are able to find that peace. that moment in which, life can become free of all that misery that surrounds us.
from my own experience, self cutting, starvation, drugs and hate never is a fulfilling as holding hands with someone in the rain. i suppose, if you love yourself first, other people can see that and love you too.
i say that, but i still feel like loving someone who isn't real, that dream that is just a dream which doesn't exist because its the emptiness i have. this desire that can not be filled with false hope or something untrue.
i suppose we are all looking for the prize in this game of life.
sorry it was so long.
yikes.
<3
Post a Comment