heaven and anorexia

so im actually reading a book called feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jeffers phd and i always had self help motivational books on my list of lamest things ever right beside decaf and yanni but you know at some poin you have to say well why not. except for the yanni thing. so anyway im going to repeat these 4 truths everyday and since i feel like a total dork for doing that ive decided to do it at work so i can torture my co workers most notably charles-randy who i will undoubtedly pass this book along to after im done with bc sharing insights on how to deal iwth depression and anxiety and the fact that we always felt very very ugly has been a constant bonding factor in our friendship. Like wow you've hate yrself since jr high?!?! ME TOO! Cool, here read Be Here Now its so zen-like. And then it sort of went on like we cross reference therapists and stuff but at he same time we are like you know maybe there is nothing wrong iwth us maybe we just suck. but then we will go into a total Defense of Antidepressants rant and defend Depression as a disease so yeah, needless to say we are on the same page about alot of things. Which kind of makes work fun. sometimes. Anyway so yeah im gonna read this book and stop having panic attacks when i try to apply to grad school or send art to galleries.
BC PANIC usually leads me to thinking that if i could just lose 5lbs everything would be just gravy anyway and i mean, who cares about skinny supermodes and all that i really just look at Grey's Anatomy or the skeletons in my drawing books and drool over the bones..yes i really want to be THAT THIN. Its my bones, i can t help them, then just WANT OUT. which leads me to the a cool clip of a movie i want to see that addresses the ED


which i was really excited about
but then i found out that in the plot
lydia gets darcy to try to teach her to be anorexic
and im kinda hoping htis movie doesnt lump or stereo type or
what have you but
anyway
im hoping its
good
however i freaking know
JUST KNOW THIS: is gonna be good


like so good i just want to cry.
bc patti is IT
truly

and im going to buy all of her books now
i mean to already but i didnt bc
i was buying how to train yr dog not to tear shit up and walk on a leash even though my dog
tears shit up constantly and i dont even care anymore im like handing her stuff to tear up like i barter with her.
here, LE, you can tear up this box and this magazine and this shoe and give me back that other shoe and my bra.
little Dog Queen of My Life. So basically i break alot of the how to raise yr dog rules bu tat least i know them.
and i know fear, too but im gonna read this other book and get a handle on fear AND then
im gonna order patti smith bc just hearing one of her songs blows my mind and this trailer was like
an affirmation and more than i believe, any slef help could do..EVER.
Her and Jane Goodall better get put in charge of heaven or im not going

cold as ice colored stripes

In a Hammock
looking at Schiele
eating snocones
Was Egon chauvnist? Misogynist? i hate to think so but i read that some thought so. i almost dont want to konw.
i just want to stare at the rigid lines
indicating a furious energy
scrawled lovingly
at naked bodies

kiss the sky

This pic was taken at red river, Brooks took it with a wide angle lens
which is why i loook sooo loooooong and tallllllllll'

ellie was there and we ran round and round and ellie got to chase birds and ellie LOVES.
to chase birds. She gets this look of PURE doggie GLEE!
and there were so many of them she would start chasing one
and then change to another one and so eventually she was just
running around in circles and zig zagging all over the place.
it was so funny. Then she would run up to me adn jump like
ohmigod can yu believe it!! birds! birds! BIRDSSSS!!!!!
and it was about 7:30 so it had cooled off some and i ran pretty far, down to the water just me and ellie.
She stays close to me and if she gets far ahead she will look back, stop and wait.
I found a crumbled turtle shell and some enormous thorns.
Later we looked at my new Egon Schiele book and took some photographs at odd angles for me to draw from.
Ellie slept all the way home. i bet she dreamed about birds.

blerg**snap-fizzzzz brains out

9 hour drive back from Atlanta. I finished reading Wicked w/out getting too carsick.

Im trying to convince myself to apply to sfa, lsu and uno mfa programs just to see what happens.
i cant stay here anymore.
i don't belong anywhere, i never did.
I'm afraid ill get the MFA and be more in debt and still unprepared for a job but i don't know what else to do.
i hardly ever time to paint anymore and this desk job makes me so exhausted in my brains.
i kinda want to just be a welder and stay in Tullos.
I could do that. Could i do that? cows pigs and chickens...sounds like heaven to me.

The people around me freak me the fuck out. You know what? working with the public is insane. Preachers put in ads for thier churches and half of them are total pricks. The doctors, accountants and realtors are rude jerks. My nicest customer is this guy who owns a bar and has bands come play. I freakin ran his ad wrong and offered to give me a free drink. I screwed up a church ad once and the preacher, like, hung up on me. I love how people hide behind their religion. Its so gross.

capitalism is giant mindfuck that bred with christianity and made a population of WASP bitch soccermoms who are hyper breeding in surburbia. Then crash dieting and buying bratz dolls for thier spawn.
The governmnetis like, here is a prozac now just go buy shit. YUMMY. hmm

well. ive had enough of this. im going to build a castle out of animals bones and rubber tires and hide out.
wake me up when the war is over.

Cynic

Cynic
Originally uploaded by angel in the dope smoke

Completed a painting. i like some of the colour mixtures but i don't know how well they show up in the photo. bad glare on right so i gotta retake soon.

Candies Dress

Candies Dress
Originally uploaded by angel in the dope smoke

Kylee, Amanda and i went to goodwill Sunday. This was a fun find.Kylee found it for me! I think i had one similar when i was about 9 or 10. Amanda got a rabbit fur coat - floor length - for 20 bucks. She put back the leather vest with fringe. Goodwill makes you awesome.

Going to hell!!

oh i love the bastard fairies!

Easter

Easter Saturday. We went Greenhousing!
Im gonna plant snapdragons, soon

Louisiana Wedding

Jacob came in for his brother's wedding. It was out in Natchez at this awesome modern plantation style house. And the weather was gorgeous.

the coveted cuff

shoe•shine•time

i have too many shoes to store reasonably in a closet plus, i think they are pretty so i put them on a shelf in the liv room so i can see them...okay that also keeps them away from a puppy who thinks she is Vlad the Impaler to Shoes.
i really only like cheap shoes though
these are courtesy walmart in jena, Payless, Payless, and Nichols in winnfield. god i love nichols. The chooka rubber boots were actually 40 bucks but i live in the boggy south and my backyard floods so... it was a great investment. i was calling my ankle boots the brett micheals boots (like cheap rock n roll) but im changing that to the punk princess shoes. as in Patti smith not avril lavigne.

Fashionfreak;Its in the details

So i love braclets and now i am loving to wrap ribbons around my wrists and then put bracelets OVER them. i like chunky featurers on wrists/ankles alot. Once reason is bc it like bondage to your LIFE. being tied to yourself. Typing and moving and doing work is more difficult wiht these cumbersome weights..makes you more aware of your body and surroundings.
when i was going through this long drawn out break up one summer i had about 15 ankle bracelets on each ankle. ribbon, hemp, wire, jewelry, string...all different colors. Strips of fabrick i cut off of clothes.. i would just tie them on me. it was symbolic but ended up looking really cool (to me.) and one day i was walking across campus in flat flip flops and some boy said, "i like your heels." Not what yu normally hear from a boy on campus. it took me a minute to realize he meant my ankles. (anatomy?) anyway later at the end of hte summer i cut htem all off. my ankes were so furry from not being able to shave underneath. .... such a witch, even when it comes to getting dressed. Isnt that a great green bracelet? my mom gave it to me, what is a good name for that green? grannygreen?

im in love with a strict machine

ouch ouch ouch
i got these at payless so you KNOW they hurt. they look awesome though. i think ill wear them for washing dishes. a painful task anyway.
but the black fur - that is lil eleanor. and she says shoes are for chewing.

painting takes dough

$165.65 worth of acrylic paint and medium....and i still need brushes. BUT I LOVE COBALT TEAL!!!! AND QUINACRADONE SIENNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

messy girls

need THIS!!! He can suck up anything!!
and he could be a messy ADD disorganized person's best friend.
He will suck up the 1/2 of yr breakfast that is in a trail from the kitchen to couch to bedroom and even sawdust!!! He even sucked up my friend George!!
plus..this lil shop vac was only 30 bucks!!

green and red

Shoes from goodwill 3.99. Adding 3inches to my 5'5 shortness is priceless. And what esle is priceless is a free visit with this little green guy. He was hanging out on the Natchitoches Times door...and he gave me a word of peace with his bright green existence!!

stephen crane

The Wayfarer

The wayfarer,
Perceiving the pathway to truth,
Was struck with astonishment.
It was thickly grown with weeds.
"Ha," he said,
"I see that none has passed here
In a long time."
Later he saw that each weed
Was a singular knife.
"Well," he mumbled at last,
"Doubtless there are other roads."

AND NOW ONE OF MY FAVORITE POEMS EVER:

In the Desert

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter -- bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

Stephen Crane

In Heaven

In heaven,
Some little blades of grass
Stood before God.
"What did you do?"
Then all save one of the little blades
Began eagerly to relate
The merits of their lives.
This one stayed a small way behind,
Ashamed.
Presently, God said,
"And what did you do?"
The little blade answered, "Oh my Lord,
Memory is bitter to me,
For, if I did good deeds,
I know not of them."
Then God, in all His splendor,
Arose from His throne.
"Oh, best little blade of grass!" He said

Stephen Crane (1871 - 1900)


Stephen Crane was the last of 14 children born to a Methodist minister who died when he was nine. As a child he moved three times in the New York area. Crane never cared much for schooling, but he did attend Syracuse University - although only for one semester, and his most noteworthy accomplishments were performed on the baseball field. He lived the down-and-out life of a penniless artist who became well known as a poet, journalist, social critic and realist. His contemoraries noted him as being an "original" in his field of work.

War and other forms of physical and mental violence fascinate Crane. He began writing for newspapers in 1891 when he settled in New York where he developed his powers as an observer of psychological and social reality. After he wrote Red Badge of Courage, which earned Crane international acclaim at age 24, he was hired as a reporter in the American West and Mexico. At the age of 27, Crane moved to Jacksonville, Florida and got married. While in Jacksonville, his boat The Commodore sank off the coast and he wrote about the harrowing adventure in The New York Press. Crane covered the Greco-Turkish War and later settled in England where he made friends with famous writers of the time including H.G. Wells and Henry James. He later covered the Spanish-American War for Joseph Pulitzer's New York World. During the last few years of his life, he began writing furiously because he was in debt and suffering from tuberculosis. He later died while he was in Germany.
http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/stephencrane/

the addict

days that start like this
everyday
swallow the plastic pill.
everyone does, i know.
my last experience with detoxing
from the human pesticide
was grim and inside i know
i cant do it again.
and it gnaws at me.

im just abundle of chemicals
organic wires as nerves
so are we all.
i walk a very very thin line i guess
im balancing on a little blue pill
i wont totally give in either direction
i need the struggle maybe?
id ont know.
i just know
i pay money to a coorporate government
for a pill to make
it okay for me to live and breathe
in this bullshit global marektplace
w/out weeping for hours everyday
i swallow willingly now
but i used to fight.


The Addict by Anne Sexton

Sleepmonger,
deathmonger,
with capsules in my palms each night,
eight at a time from sweet pharmaceutical bottles
I make arrangements for a pint-sized journey.
I'm the queen of this condition.
I'm an expert on making the trip
and now they say I'm an addict.
Now they ask why.
WHY!

Don't they know that I promised to die!
I'm keping in practice.
I'm merely staying in shape.
The pills are a mother, but better,
every color and as good as sour balls.
I'm on a diet from death.

Yes, I admit
it has gotten to be a bit of a habit-
blows eight at a time, socked in the eye,
hauled away by the pink, the orange,
the green and the white goodnights.
I'm becoming something of a chemical
mixture.
that's it!

My supply
of tablets
has got to last for years and years.
I like them more than I like me.
It's a kind of marriage.
It's a kind of war where I plant bombs inside
of myself.

Yes
I try
to kill myself in small amounts,
an innocuous occupatin.
Actually I'm hung up on it.
But remember I don't make too much noise.
And frankly no one has to lug me out
and I don't stand there in my winding sheet.
I'm a little buttercup in my yellow nightie
eating my eight loaves in a row
and in a certain order as in
the laying on of hands
or the black sacrament.

It's a ceremony
but like any other sport
it's full of rules.
It's like a musical tennis match where
my mouth keeps catching the ball.
Then I lie on; my altar
elevated by the eight chemical kisses.

What a lay me down this is
with two pink, two orange,
two green, two white goodnights.
Fee-fi-fo-fum-
Now I'm borrowed.
Now I'm numb.

sensory,

photoshop deleted my paintings.
they said they violated terms.
whatever.
fuckers.

i went and tried on lots of different shoes on my lunch break.
i didnt buy any just teetered about in tall heels that i am to0 broke to buy.
i have on purple socks.

and red shoes i love red shoes i love
rope
ribbon
clove cigarrettes
beetles
red wine
dogs.
colors.
handmade paper
dragon flies
toenail polish - red black or pink
kisses
dirt
green green gras
being underwater
fitting into small spaces
ladybugs
millipedes
spiders wih babies on their back
webs with dew drops
bracelets
incense
carving
lipstick
blood
racoons
knives
bones
skulls
black eyed susans
stars
poems
fruit pinapples pears cherries grapes
patchouli
silver rings
marshmallow creme
pills
candles
tree bark
leaves
crickets
frogs
ponds
wading
sisters
photography
pretending
white zombie
white nightgowns
lace
burlap
secrets
rust
empty old houses
blood
psychology
myths
scars
trunks
keys
locks
vines
moss
gauze
touching
thorns
petals
nothing makes sense today im organizing ideas