Honestly i have been down, but I am fighting....some days there is just this deathlust. I am exhausted from trying NOT to want to DIE everyday. And its not like I - well it is not this adolescent angsty rage. Really, living seems so impractical sometimes. Living as in SURVIVING in capitalism with this - my- particular set of values, brain chemicals and upbringing. haha... "I am not longed for this world"
Well instead of climbing into my starry coffin, im making coffee. walking the dog, continuing the job search...drawing painting...
But as many negative experiences as people have with therapy, I will say that the time I spent in counseling and hospitals when i was a kid ...has kinda paid off. It sucked then and didnt seem to matter one bit but now that i am older and sober so many of the things i learned back then are still in my head. Oh yes i can do THIS (positive) instead of this (exacerbate pain) It took a long time, for real y'all, a long time, but listen dont give up. and don't stop now. Bc you don't know what kind of treacherous landscape (lifescape) lies ahead. Gather up all the psychic tools you can while they are available....and of course be skeptical. Live and learn, right?
5 comments:
pretty amazing that you're doing all that you're doing -- from walking to the dog to remembering old techniques.
and job hunting and drawing while your emotional life is.......i don't know -- how would you describe it?
are you talking to people in your non-blog world? it's important to let people know where you're at. who knows if they can help at all, but it's grounding when others know what's going on. living in our own heads can be -- well, you know how it is.
hope you'll keep writing -- here or by emailing. take really good care., melissa
"living seems so impractical sometimes. Living as in SURVIVING in capitalism with this - my- particular set of values, brain chemicals and upbringing."
Capitalism KILLS artists.
I can so relate.
I really, really like the art!
Gawd, Shawna. You keep speaking my language. I feel exactly the same way most of the time. So glad I have found a kindred here in the blogosphere. I'm here for you.
- Nick CFKS
thank you for comments, everyone...
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