Devil I Don't Know

"For human beings are not so constituted that they can live without expansion. If they do not get it one way, they must another, or perish."

--Margaret Fuller, Woman in the Nineteenth Century

all i wanna blog about is food. Insanity. Well, no i am bloggin about Sarah Palin but even thinking about her leads me all the way around to MY BODY. then to food. then to my body.
DAMMIT LADY DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY UTERUS.
my reproductive organs are mine - HANDS OFF. The power that comes with the female reproductive system belongs to its owner and thats all. Not the State.
And having said system has been a great cause of lament for me and DENYING THAT SYSTEM was a huge part of my ED. I hated the idea of growing up and everything that entailed and i hated the idea of my body taking up more space
and i hated hated hated hated the (male) attention it got so i made it go away. Three Times.
Katherine Anne Porter, described it well in her short story Old Mortality. The Victorian GREENSICK-ness.
Oh, the Greensick Girls.
To reject the life you are being offered...to just REFUSE.
The power to refuse is a strong one, esp when you have no other power, or at least imagine that you dont.
So ...you just opt out.
Fade Away..Bones...Dust.
Its a lie, though.
Its not so easy to Fade when People keep demanding to SEE you in Flesh.

The bad thing about cultivating a life long relationship with mental illness is getting so much better that you
decide you were never mentally ill the first place.

And maybe those things you were doing, and have been fighting against were not really ever harmful AT ALL.
Pain becomes comforting bc it becomes FAMILIAR
A person goes back to destructive behavior bc the Devil you KNOW is sometimes
much less frightful than the
Devil I Don't Know
and living for something outside of a small shell that i made
is the devil i don't know
and the brutal beast inside the shell with me,
Well. He may quiet down at times (months) only to rage up unexpected and brutal with all kinds of tricks..
but i know him well
and i've know him a long time.

The Feel The Fear book said that he first thing you should know about fear is that it never goes away.
(Dr. Susan Jeffers)

That is a good book but it is, so far, about rational fear.
How do i confront the fear of food that results from the (psychotic? neurotic) sensation that my body is out of control and growing increasingly and alarmingly HUGER BY THE MINUTE and i can FEEL THE PRESSURE of the empty space AROUND me PRESSING in and I CANT BREATHE.
What the hell IS THAT?
and then the numbers don't make sense with the mirror or the calories.
the scales are wrong ALL OVER THE PLACE. and my metabolism is all jacked up. and the numbers..the scales lie.
and yeah yeah it shouldn't matter. and long time ago it didn't. as long as i was real hungry fuck a number
but in the realm of recovery it DOES matter bc i need a marker. bc i feel like if i don't have the control i don't have anything
and is one tiny CORRECT ACCURATE number too much to ask?

I need a number to put on it to say yes this size shape body is mine
it is no one else's. It is and was never HIS or HERS or anyone's regardless of what happened. and this body most
certainly does not belong to the trucker or the cat-caller or the doctor or guy at the bar i was ignoring or
the guy who looked up my shirt in 7th grade or the fashion designer or my ex or the criminal or the god damn government.
including Sarah Palin and her anti-choice anti birth control fuckwit agenda.