When we measure, we meet

So right now im really really angry about Sarah Palin but i cant even speak of it.
We made it through the hurricane fairly unscathed and by WE i mean LOUISIANA. Im sure there was damage but jesus we were really bracing for something more like katrina. It felt like the whole state was holding its breath. And today we exhaled and everybody starts going back to their lives and im wearing galoshes. Bc really, i live in a mud hole. and i dont mind.

and im obsessed with scales. Not the ones on my skin or maybe my eyes. rose colored scales to look through.
no, not those - the ones that measure. And it didn't start out that way (weigh?) but thats how it ended up and i just really
want something reliable, you know, a number.
i hate numbers.
i hate bank accounts and dates and times and weights and measures. i hate adding and subtracting and MOST OF ALL IHATE LONG DIVISION. long division = anxiety. well. numbers =anxiety whether is is bc i cant remember what day it is or what TIME it is (thank god for digital) or to carry the one.
but there were some numbers
on a scale..some scales
showed me some numbers that i liked
and they made me feel good.

and one time the therapist asked what it felt like. I said good.
I mean GOOD. like ecstasy. like BLISS. like JOY
AND NOTHING ELSE HAS EVER FELT THAT GOOD IN MY WHOLE LIFE
except maybe drugs. like maybe twice.
Sorry i'm a doll that got wired wrong.
pleasure and pain and needs and denial got all crossed up.
i wish i could find some way to balance being sick with being well.
balance a number and a scale
um get re-wired.

im a martyr for my love for you
i hate the place where vanity meets ED
and even if it doesn't meet inside you
somewhere on the outside, where people don't understand
they just assume
and the thing is,
your body is just your tool, but it is a tool like none other
bc in the context of EVERYTHING
in America
a
female body is a very prized tool.
esp a weakened, yet sexy one.
so i post this picture.
god i love that picture.