the place where the medicine isn't

out of medicine for about a week. Wow this feels pretty wretched. Prozac-less dreams. "head full of pesticide." Charlie Chaplin films stream on netflix.  We check our phones too much...no one is ever there, on mine at least.  Mid summer mardi gras. Like, these people can't get enough, for real. No floats not many cops, just happy drunks in feathers and masks and giant tedious handmade costumes. paper mache and felt and fabric and god only knows what else. Malibu rum. a lot of it, too.  Withdrawing from this pill makes me feel very blank but obviously i am talking quite a bit. and laughing and stumbling. this is me having a Good Time. I dont know where we are going or who these people even are.

art. this is something i may should recover from. painting earlier, paint everywhere. the doorknob, the phone, my glasses. jesus leave me alone. school starts wednesday. the bathtub is broken. pretty sure i didnt pay the electric bill. Well you get one shot at this and you get to do it all alone. and don't forget that, doll. not for a second.

If I could ride out to the lake on a bike on a cool autumn day I would. I would look for you, but you wouldnt be there. You are in another city with another family with another woman with a child. with a picnic or maybe just a book. just you and a book. the birds make a cry a little bit. I hate putting gas in a the car, christ do i hate it. but this day there wouldnt be any of that nonsense, just me and a camera. and some big eyes in my face to soak up the world. you dont get it for long, though. you get some "moments' and everyone is so okay with that. Living for some moment I already lived for. like, twenty times. i m going to make a monument to this moment, though. im going to make it out of digital dots and styrofoam. something that will last. not like diesel fuel. like love. this imaginary day, like the scar on my stomach, will always be there, so i wont forget where you are not, and where i wont ever be. Sometimes you have to just embrace the negative space, and curl up next to it, and be okay with it.