One thing about E.D. and recovery is that it is like an onion and once you work through the top later of flesh and skin and weight and keep going you keep going, and keep going and start to find out all the things you are really terrified of and you don't just find it and work it out and then, Bam! Done!..you do it again and again and again and some days it gets easier then it gets really hard again and once you pass the point of going back to just engaging in symptoms you feel a terror and then a breeze and its the same trudging along a treacherous path within you and without you. Honestly I don't know what is scarier the inside or the outside but either way you are alone. People may love you and care about you but ultimately when the panic attacks begin or the silent black darkness of depression sinks down on you its just you and IT. Like being born but without your mother. The shock of the New. The terrible wonderful unknown except its not wonderful, i just threw that in there so as not to look like a negative creep or boring little sheep. I wish i believed more in the wonderful of going off into a void of UNKOWN and i am sure it is exhilarating for some of you with like, less cortisol and more dopamine but the best Wonder i find is in a leaf. and the little caterpillars that climb on it. Or those shells that dig back into the sand after the waves peel back. I am operating under Anxiety. I am operating under the house but near the roof. I am unpeeling an onion. I am crying and I am not stopping. Not yet. And people are coming and then they are going and I am sitting here unpeeling and then not sitting but running along beside you and then stopping. and then spinning and then unpeeling. Just wait, I will be right here. For Now.
This is no day at the beach, let me tell you
5 comments:
I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you. And I love the art too.
you describe this so perfectly.
hang in there, i know it's so hard but i also know that it WILL get better and you will be a stronger person when you come out on the other side!
be gentle with yourself ; )
Shawna, I've missed you!
I hope you're doing at least ok. Sometimes I take comfort knowing that we can at least be together in our aloneness, and also that, at times, we really aren't alone, because there are people who will hang onto us and refuse to let go. It doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes it does. So even if the mind is attacking and imprisoning you, you have warriors on the outside trying to fight for you, and sometimes just knowing that is enough to give you at least give you a sense of peace. Please keep hanging in there. You give much to the world and have so many beautiful things left to experience.
-tw
i think you do the only thing we can do -- you give something to the world, your amazing art and also your writing.
when in doubt lately, i get out of myself and volunteer or do something for someone else, and it gets me focused elsewhere.
Your art, your contribution, has always helped me.
Thank you
oh thank you so much for your comments!
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