We went back to hell for you, but you were gone. The gates were locked and there was a just a small glass rabbit at the threshold. ..walked around but in the burning silence we gave up and piled back into ourselves and walked away. It was hard to leave you, but it will get easier. Sorry.
I went to see a new therapist person who also does cranial sacral work. She walked me through some visual imagery therapy while she worked on me and it like...unleashed some bizarre illustrated sequence in my mind that has not completely stopped. How odd. My mind, when calmed and then prodded, gives me white lilies and then strings to tie up the pain in my stomach. A floating window pane with 5 rocks floating in a row before it. A seashell. Okay nice, but IT DID NOT STOP. i couldn't sleep that night, the pictures just floated and morphed and kept coming. Too fast to even sketch them out, to write...so I just watched it. let if flow, it was like electricity..i don't remember any of it now.
gone.
From the occasional text and email and facebook I assume my sister is doing well in the midwest. Although we don't communicate a lot I can feel her always. all the time, right near me, right in the air around my heart. my chest, my breath. Everything we are and wont be and never will be. We aren't typical. sisterhood isn't not what they write on the mug or the hallmark card or show in HBO dramas where grown women bicker over husbands and...i don't know... whatever it is they bicker about. We measured ourselves by each other, but not in comparison. We were enclosed, encapsulated, growing, breaking, mending....losing each other. finding each other in unsuspecting places. All three of us. Artemis hunts. Athena thinks. Aphrodite muses.
It has recently occurred to me that all of the packaging for my food is poisonous. The cardboard, the thin plastic..leeching toxic...I eat. My weight is up, I don't even care, I have acne scars in the lines on my face. I am aging without sound. The 90s were brutal, what can I say. July and it is 34 years old for me. This party is wearing me out. My confetti is raining down like ashes near hell, and i hope to see you all there with love and ice and fire.
I went to see a new therapist person who also does cranial sacral work. She walked me through some visual imagery therapy while she worked on me and it like...unleashed some bizarre illustrated sequence in my mind that has not completely stopped. How odd. My mind, when calmed and then prodded, gives me white lilies and then strings to tie up the pain in my stomach. A floating window pane with 5 rocks floating in a row before it. A seashell. Okay nice, but IT DID NOT STOP. i couldn't sleep that night, the pictures just floated and morphed and kept coming. Too fast to even sketch them out, to write...so I just watched it. let if flow, it was like electricity..i don't remember any of it now.
gone.
From the occasional text and email and facebook I assume my sister is doing well in the midwest. Although we don't communicate a lot I can feel her always. all the time, right near me, right in the air around my heart. my chest, my breath. Everything we are and wont be and never will be. We aren't typical. sisterhood isn't not what they write on the mug or the hallmark card or show in HBO dramas where grown women bicker over husbands and...i don't know... whatever it is they bicker about. We measured ourselves by each other, but not in comparison. We were enclosed, encapsulated, growing, breaking, mending....losing each other. finding each other in unsuspecting places. All three of us. Artemis hunts. Athena thinks. Aphrodite muses.
2 comments:
I wonder that always -- why is my life absolutely nothing like lives in books, movies, television? or even like the anecdotal lives of friends and colleagues?
do i even want it to be? would i like to sit around a table with my sister and her family, talkin' bout our menfolk and christmas plans? do i want to go out for margaritas with the girls...?
re; your weight. are you posting recent photos of yourself on facebook, because i thought you looked particularly thin?
at 48, i have acne too. when is your b'day? ALL my favorite people are born in July.
I think my fb pics are recent. the hawaii ones are recent. I am at a higher weight than I have been in years and years. I thnk camera angles make me look thinner than I actually am bc I have sknny arms and shoulders - my weight is always in my thighs and belly. I am not exercising and that may make me seem (to myself) bigger than I actually am bc i am fleshier. I know i should exercise and eat better but its hard to do so in this city. It is scary to go out walking/jogging alone. My anxiety keeps me from the gym, too. but the numbers (at dr office) are up and I am handling it well i think...
not too freaked out most of the time. My day is july 22! Cancer Leo cusp
i think movies/books have warped our view of reality in some ways though i do love them both as art forms. somehow modern life has made movies larger than life...and their shadow darkens real life instead of embellishing it i think
so good to hear from you melissa!
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