A timeless sleep

To have an obsessive personality is just one way to live. I acknowledge this and keep going, a slow walk, a jog. Sleeping for days. I am stunned by the sky. Pure awe. Again. The leaves aren't really changing here. It feels like high summer. Thick and hot and green and lush. A slightly different coolness in the rare breeze is the only natural indication that it is almost October.

Sometimes all the people look like zombies to me. All wretched and gone, lurching through their routine..bus stop, dollar store, school bus. But other days they are all so beautiful, all the people. They captivate. Like cracks in the sidewalk. Cracks in the facade.

There is so much power in vulnerability. It is all backwards. The weak are the strong and I am an animal. I am with them. on their side. I study the buildings, but I don't feel like they belong to me. Not the way the trees do. Not the way the earthworms do. Darkness is a sweet blanket for a long night. A timeless sleep.

the way home

there are missing pieces

The more people i meet down here the lonelier i feel. What is that about? feeling lonely? not understood? just the absence of anyone that cares or knows you?

Its okay, I mean this experience is what it is and I will be fine....I didn't expect much when I moved here. I expected to work and go to school. I wanted things to change. and they did. because i changed them. whatever, you know. I just wasn't prepared for the endurance...of being here. I prepped for the move, for the adjustment, but now that i am here and all these people are so transient and moving about and no one is tied to anything that makes sense to me. And they like it that way. I don't -  but then again I hated feeling trapped and smothered, too. All i ever wanted to be was transient. I listened to ramblin man when i was little and i wanted that song to be about me. What is all this pain about? All of our pain? Is this chemical nightmare depression anxiety crap? Or is this Just Living. Does Living mean learning to gracefully lose things you love. (or in my case, not so gracefully...yet)