The city is so pretty in the spring. Before the intense oppressive hot wet blanket of summer envelopes us... i love it here. Like I just woke up and the days I hated it were a dream. Ridiculously expensive crowded crooked broken city. I do love you when you are kind. and when you aren't, even.
but i will never love anywhere as much as an isolated spot in a forest where the deer are.
Busy painting. I inherited old frames and a box of brushes from my great aunt... will be interesting to hold her brush..she was 94 when she died I think. a long life. I have the brushes and frames I inherited from Donna and I think... Oh, the things that after death still remain. tangible. in this realm.
The election has gotten into my brain. I care more than I want to. How can one not? vicious. I'm a berner - as if there was any way I couldn't be.
I paint the world burning bc it already is, not bc I want to see it that way. I feel like the apocalypse has been happening my whole life. When I was a kid - like 15 or so - This art lady told me that when I grew up, I should marry a rich man so I could make art all day. All the time. She laughed. She said "that is what i did." She did, too. She said she knew I would never! and I was horrified and amused simultaneously. I get it, though. I know what she meant. I live alone and I work alone and I work HARD. I sleep hard and paint hard and when I collapse, I do, but I resume. Bc that is the stuff of survival and the stuff of existence in a corporate controlled capitalist nation. And I got all I ever wanted. Until I decided I wanted something else. Blood in me is pumping toward oblivion.
When I was very young I was supposed to marry this guy. I think i was. Well, I could have. I didn't though bc it just all felt so wrong and smothering. His parents died. Both of them. It was so tumultuous and insane and just wild. I remember we laughed So much. and Cried so much. We broke up one time and then later we met somewhere in Lafayette in a parking lot in the middle of the night. I missed a year of college. I mean I attended and all but I didn't know what happened - like it just didn't count. We were together and then we broke up again and we met up again on the steps of the state capital building. I dont know what happened to him. I hope to god he is somewhere good and that he is very, very happy. I'm so thankful we didn't destroy each other. He showed up in a dream recently. people fade out and then reappear. I didn't know it happened that way as time pressed on.
I think I always wanted to rage against a system of oppression. i hated it since kindergarten. The nudges to conformity and boredom. Away from truth and dirt. The obvious mistreatment of certain individuals by people in power and then the denial of it. Processing injustice. Life here is learning to process injustice and then deciding what you will do about it.
Dirt is the tangible unconsciousness, until I return my skull to the dirt I suppose I am here shedding skins and morphing and deciding the level of intensity with which to apply the next layer.
Artemis Sees.....
but i will never love anywhere as much as an isolated spot in a forest where the deer are.
Busy painting. I inherited old frames and a box of brushes from my great aunt... will be interesting to hold her brush..she was 94 when she died I think. a long life. I have the brushes and frames I inherited from Donna and I think... Oh, the things that after death still remain. tangible. in this realm.
The election has gotten into my brain. I care more than I want to. How can one not? vicious. I'm a berner - as if there was any way I couldn't be.
I paint the world burning bc it already is, not bc I want to see it that way. I feel like the apocalypse has been happening my whole life. When I was a kid - like 15 or so - This art lady told me that when I grew up, I should marry a rich man so I could make art all day. All the time. She laughed. She said "that is what i did." She did, too. She said she knew I would never! and I was horrified and amused simultaneously. I get it, though. I know what she meant. I live alone and I work alone and I work HARD. I sleep hard and paint hard and when I collapse, I do, but I resume. Bc that is the stuff of survival and the stuff of existence in a corporate controlled capitalist nation. And I got all I ever wanted. Until I decided I wanted something else. Blood in me is pumping toward oblivion.
When I was very young I was supposed to marry this guy. I think i was. Well, I could have. I didn't though bc it just all felt so wrong and smothering. His parents died. Both of them. It was so tumultuous and insane and just wild. I remember we laughed So much. and Cried so much. We broke up one time and then later we met somewhere in Lafayette in a parking lot in the middle of the night. I missed a year of college. I mean I attended and all but I didn't know what happened - like it just didn't count. We were together and then we broke up again and we met up again on the steps of the state capital building. I dont know what happened to him. I hope to god he is somewhere good and that he is very, very happy. I'm so thankful we didn't destroy each other. He showed up in a dream recently. people fade out and then reappear. I didn't know it happened that way as time pressed on.
I think I always wanted to rage against a system of oppression. i hated it since kindergarten. The nudges to conformity and boredom. Away from truth and dirt. The obvious mistreatment of certain individuals by people in power and then the denial of it. Processing injustice. Life here is learning to process injustice and then deciding what you will do about it.
Dirt is the tangible unconsciousness, until I return my skull to the dirt I suppose I am here shedding skins and morphing and deciding the level of intensity with which to apply the next layer.
