Showing posts with label self injury. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self injury. Show all posts
12.28.2009
Who am i?
So when i was a kid, most girls talked about how when they grew up, they would get married and have a kid or 3 or 6 or whatever. The idea sounded NOT COOL to me. It sounded boring and like a lot of work and doing other people's dishes. And getting pressured and bossed around. Ima be an artist. Ima have lots of friends and paint and grow things. Right?
But still...everyone evenutally grows up and gets married, I mean it is, like, expected and shit. Plus you get a tax break. Every girl dreams of her wedding day for her whole life! right?
um....
But for serious - last week I had gotten a letter from him that said "I never want to speak to you again" and then he deleted from all social networking sites. The DELETION was a reaction to a letter I sent to him. A letter full of very difficult questions such as - Your job is strenuous; how will we handle it? and Could you ever stop doing drugs for me?
I got no answer. I got deleted. Then -
I got a marriage proposal.
In my defense and with all due respect - WTF?
I'm so confused and flustered and I just really want(ed) to take a knife to my arms.
All i kept thinking was you don't know me, you don't even know me, you don't know who i am
so then xmas day i just cried a lot. Like, a LOT (merry merry xmas!!!) and finally talked to my parents, who were really bewildered since they have never met this person before. (this is significant only my family is super duper almost way too close)
I am pretty sure that people think I am afraid to move far from my family. No. I am dying to get the hell out of Louisiana. I just am very very wary of donating the rest of my one life to the dream of a person I don't know that well. and it sucks that everyone thinks i am being a bad person for that. So I am very sad. Sad for good, it seems like.
But still...everyone evenutally grows up and gets married, I mean it is, like, expected and shit. Plus you get a tax break. Every girl dreams of her wedding day for her whole life! right?
um....
So what the hell is WRONG with me?
Because an amazing person asked me to completely out of the freaking blue most unexpected thing ever marry them. WTF? In all my grace and total sophisticated style I.....reacted by hitting him and subsequently having a panic attack. right. smooooth. go me. I suck. can i get another beer then?But for serious - last week I had gotten a letter from him that said "I never want to speak to you again" and then he deleted from all social networking sites. The DELETION was a reaction to a letter I sent to him. A letter full of very difficult questions such as - Your job is strenuous; how will we handle it? and Could you ever stop doing drugs for me?
I got no answer. I got deleted. Then -
I got a marriage proposal.
In my defense and with all due respect - WTF?
I'm so confused and flustered and I just really want(ed) to take a knife to my arms.
All i kept thinking was you don't know me, you don't even know me, you don't know who i am
so then xmas day i just cried a lot. Like, a LOT (merry merry xmas!!!) and finally talked to my parents, who were really bewildered since they have never met this person before. (this is significant only my family is super duper almost way too close)
I am pretty sure that people think I am afraid to move far from my family. No. I am dying to get the hell out of Louisiana. I just am very very wary of donating the rest of my one life to the dream of a person I don't know that well. and it sucks that everyone thinks i am being a bad person for that. So I am very sad. Sad for good, it seems like.
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