y why cant i format my blog omg . so. Ahem. Yesterday one of my best friends made her facebook status update "i remember when i thought i was going to be somebody" and it kind of felt like a cold knife...her words did. I mean we tried. Really, both of us, we did everything right. After college...things just. Things are harder than you ever imagine...unless, I guess, if your family has tons of money or if you know people....or.... is is just us? I know the whole economy is all screwed up GLOBALLY and all..Is it doubled bc of the horrible condition of our state? Most people I know are too poor to even MOVE to another state. Do things seem so impossible because we are SINGLE? bc marriage seemed ...well kinda lame and besides there was no one to marry...but finanically I see where dyads make sense. How do you be thankful, on one hand, for running water and food and the chance to be this free and on the other hand think oh my god this is the poorest and 2nd worst (pollution & education & health) state in the UNION and i cant. get. out. and i cant STAY here.We didn't know this. We got art degrees. We followed hearts and dreams and worked really really hard at something that is not valued down here. At all. but we didn't realize..how little it mattered...bc we thought that in a SOCIETY such as ours there should be room for the poets and artists and dancers and theatres to work and survive and matter. We were taught that.....But..I can't find the room.and i sit at my desk for 8 hours a day and i work and i FOCUS and i speak and inside i am SCREAMING and slowly dying and the colors are just running down..all the painting that i am NOT DOING RIGHT NOW are freaking begging me..inmyhead...to bring them to life.and im not complaining..REALLY. im just trying to make sense of it. make sense of who i am.And how i fit into all of this.11.05.2009
somebody somewhere
y why cant i format my blog omg . so. Ahem. Yesterday one of my best friends made her facebook status update "i remember when i thought i was going to be somebody" and it kind of felt like a cold knife...her words did. I mean we tried. Really, both of us, we did everything right. After college...things just. Things are harder than you ever imagine...unless, I guess, if your family has tons of money or if you know people....or.... is is just us? I know the whole economy is all screwed up GLOBALLY and all..Is it doubled bc of the horrible condition of our state? Most people I know are too poor to even MOVE to another state. Do things seem so impossible because we are SINGLE? bc marriage seemed ...well kinda lame and besides there was no one to marry...but finanically I see where dyads make sense. How do you be thankful, on one hand, for running water and food and the chance to be this free and on the other hand think oh my god this is the poorest and 2nd worst (pollution & education & health) state in the UNION and i cant. get. out. and i cant STAY here.We didn't know this. We got art degrees. We followed hearts and dreams and worked really really hard at something that is not valued down here. At all. but we didn't realize..how little it mattered...bc we thought that in a SOCIETY such as ours there should be room for the poets and artists and dancers and theatres to work and survive and matter. We were taught that.....But..I can't find the room.and i sit at my desk for 8 hours a day and i work and i FOCUS and i speak and inside i am SCREAMING and slowly dying and the colors are just running down..all the painting that i am NOT DOING RIGHT NOW are freaking begging me..inmyhead...to bring them to life.and im not complaining..REALLY. im just trying to make sense of it. make sense of who i am.And how i fit into all of this.
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7 comments:
This is relative to how I feel all the time. I'm in a lot of similar situations and scenarios myself right now.
okay good. I mean not good that you feel this way but good that i am not alone in feeling this way. sometimes i wonder if i am just being ridiculous for ever thinking that i deserved more than this. I certainly didnt expect to be rich and famous or anything crazy like that i didn't think i was entitled to some fantasy life..i just didn't know how HARD it was going to be to break even...not to even mention Get Ahead.
especially when you very carefully try to avoid doing anything to fuck up your life....
Thanks for all yr comments nick!
Definitely not just you. I had this idea in my head that after I graduated from college things would fall into place. I would do something important and meaningful and so on... unfortunately it seems things just get continually more difficult. I'm starting to seriously consider the possibility that life is all uphill. :/ I guess the trick is finding places to rest along the way and to try to enjoy the scenery.
I like the way you formatted this particular post. It's very creative.. and in the midst of your confusion I see something beautiful..
"i remember when i thought i was going to be somebody"
Oh God, that one stings. It's so easy to forget that you are somebody, just maybe not to yourself which is the problem.
Wondering where to fit in, but not realising that you already do. It's jus like it doesn't feel as it should, or rather you'd expect it to feel differently, like there should be something more, something more solid and settled and reliable. Belonging should be a louder more obvious thing, not a wishy washy perception. Take Care Ghost Girl, I know you are somebody.
Lola x
I'm almost 50 and I'm still not somebody. I think it's too late for me.
PS - your drawing is beautiful, and very haunting.
I also remember when I was gonna BE somebody, Im still tryin though.. I moved away from home... Im following my dream, and I think that I still CAN be somebody, but I feel like Im running out of steam sometimes. Sacrifice... thats what Ive found that works for me I guess. That and POSITIVE thinking. Positive thinking can do wonders for yourself!!
:)
I remember when I was gonna be somebody....
and Im not dead yet, so theres still time!
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