Death makes me feel....
panicky
terrified
horrified
overwhelmed
distressed
nauseous
regretful
mournful
sorrowful
reflective
paranoid
resentful
confused
shocked
for starters. and the emotions roll in like tidal waves. You steady yourself...and then there is another. You know you have been in therapy too long when you grab a pen and LIST your EMOTIONS by name..or wait Are those feelings? gah. nevermind. I think i failed Therapy.
So who falls in love with a dying woman anyway? not love. but love., that is
i do. i did. Bc i need her and i don't want to her do die.
but she is going to.
I almost met her by accident. we seemed to love the same men. not in the girly catty way, but really - we found the same gold souls and by touching them, touched each other. I held her hand in mine just last night and was so reluctant to let go..to see her slip away into the forever.
It was HER art that saved me...that stopped me from giving up. When no one could understand what i was trying to express...when i was so lost, and scared and shy and ...One of the professors showed me a few images of her work. After the intense shock of just how GOOD it was (better than textbook-art-history-museum-stuffs and this woman lived an hour away?!?)I was eerily aware of our similar images. Mine were like, crayon scribbles, compared to her excellent technique but holy mary. Tea Cups and Fish. i mumbled, "tea cups and fish....and bones, she paints bones"
Symbols that mean more than words can say. Symbols that came so naturally to me, that when asked for an explanation i would just make one up. To protect the actual meaning. Nothing stronger more intense or strong or fucking fragile than teacups and fish bones. And she thought so too. she understood.
So i suppose her work gave me strength, and it let me know that what i was Painting,Seeing, Expressing, Feeling, was not WRONG. It was Art.
Years and years later i fell for a person who was, unbeknownst to me, her best friend.
So we all became friends. And it felt like a family that i fit into even when i was covered with ghosts and paint.
And i have to remember. i HAVE to remember the strength i saw in her
bc that is the strength that is going to get me (us) through this...strong like teacups and fish.
2 comments:
hi shawna!!!
its such a beautiful thing meeting kindred spirits! Isn't it incredible how we attract them to ourlives. i dont think anyone meets by chance really. i find death so overwhelming. there must be support out there, like here we support EDs, there must be support for grieving and how to cope.
i dont think there is such thing as being in therapy too long.
it is so beautiful that her artwork saved you, what an amazing thing to have done in life, saving someone elses, my thoughts are with you.
lou
she so reminded me of mother, really she did, only i really thought she would somehow win this one, I had really truly hoped...nobody...i mean NOBODY every looked at me & saw the things she said that she saw in me...i still dont know if i believed her or can ever understand how, but i do know that i loved her ...hell i still do...
she will still guide you, she always will you know...if you listen & let her, she will be there
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