So i went to austin this weekend (for the first time in years) with 2 friends and let me tell you. I hate being carsick. but other than that ( 7 hours) it was pretty cool - I went to an antique car show. Okay, No, I have never been to a car show before but i love an antique and i love improvisation and i love expression. So there you go. St-st-steeeeeped in rockabilly culture - it was. Pretty cool. Weather was perfect and everyone had a dog, seemed like. Very inspiring to see women with their own booths selling vintage clothes and shoes and handmade purses, photographs, handmade corsets. Female make- up artists were selling sessions.....I was thinking okay i could DO this. I could Do art fairs and stuff. Usually, um, the thoughts i have about myself are not so proactive....Anyway, here are pics from the show and! How brave am I for wearing a striped skirt that accentuates my new poundage? Right, bc i am at the point in Uber recovery where i look down and have no idea whose body this is but it sure ain't the one I've been carving on for years....so then i freak out and begin obsessive rituals. One way i combatted this was thinking about how cool it would be to function as an artist (this takes energy) - promoting myself ...doing stuff for the Animal Rescue group i joined, getting a job i like
(i hate my job btw in case i have not mentioned that ha ha) or going back to school.. i can NOT function when i am curled up hiding away nurturing addictions....
some people can still live and GO and DO in that state... but not me. sigh. Ive proved it.
So i was surrounded by a lot of activity and i found it more inspiring that than gnawing pain. for once. heh.
a disordered past...an addiction..is...like slipping on old painful shoes...the familiar ache, sharp pinching is an old friend, throbbing ....such comfortable agony... forcing yourself forward every step, a movement, an orchestra of hurts....
Let it go. Shut it Down. Time to run.....
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| Rusted and Busted!!! |
7 comments:
So glad you were able to have some fun and be inspired!
ps- you look HOT in that pic! ;)
I second the hotness in the skirt photo comment!
thanks guys bc i feel HUUUUUGE - ( i know FEEL does not mean IS but my anxiety manifests itself in my bod) this is the most i have weighed in a loooooong time. but! my joints don't hurt and my chest doesnt hurt and all that. I am handling it. I think.
:D
You do look lovely in that picture; you are a beautiful woman.
I think it's great that you are thinking about all the things you can do, especially with your art. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I am married to an artist and he has looked at this page and thinks you have incredible talent! (And believe me, he doesn't say that kind of thing lightly - he meant it; he was quite impressed by your work.)
I also admire your dedication to animals. I am quite attached to my cat and my fish (I know, it's just a fish, but he wiggles his little body every time I go to feed him; it's adorable.)
I understand the body image thing - the first time I weight-restored, I felt like a foreigner in my body. I am not looking forward to that phase again since my relapse, but it must be done.
Angela thank you so much for yr comments! i have been thinking about you - i know you were in a bad place and have been trying to move forward with yr recovery.
yes, it must be done. Usually when i get to this point i freak out and lose weight again. it is so hard to convince myself that what feels so WRONG (this number) is actually healthy and okay for ME.
Hearing yout husband's comments made me grin! that is VERY meaningful to me. does he have any art online?
I wish you the best angela. You are smart and dedicated and honest and i know that ED is fight that you will conquer...thank you for commenting
I am a random reader drawing strength from your journey, and I just wanted you to know that seeing you look so great during recovery making me want to recover even more! Keep up the hard work, and you really do look fantastic.
Anon,
thanks. looking at this photo can be brutal to a certain part of brain but... I just got a new job and am planning a move. I wanted that for so long, but only now am i mentally, physically and emotionally healthy enough to do it. It is worth it. and it does get easier even if maybe it never really goes away completely
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