Yall. i saw this new therapist. okay i suck. whatever, it helps. Maybe. the idea of paying a stranger t
o care does not bother me like it bothers most people. it feesl Appropriate. For some reason. Anyway she, does visual stuff which works SO WELL for me. Like, i i used to make my grocery lists (back when i made lists) with little drawings of what i was going to buy, not words. so maybe she can help. Look, whatever - i just want the pain to stop, okay. forgive me for indulging in THERAPY. Mental illness is like, the LUXURY of the new age, instead of worrying if my refugee camp is going to be attacked and I Will be raped, I worry about counting dumb things and panic attacks and concrete and steel and the stock market. I can't help it, I am american in 2011. i don't know. I don't know how to be anything else but alive and feeling. and trying to make sense, ya know?
So yeah, like i want to be okay, i inherited a set of bad chemicals for coping but instead of giving into it I am (still) trying to become a person who is strong enough to help another, to make a difference in the bullshit of capitalism and the global economy. It is hard to find your place in this world. Amongst cnn and the unemployment line, your own horomones and Cold 45. the news, the earthquakes, the tsunami and your bank statement. whatever, im trying to live. and Love, too. i guess. Right?
2 comments:
please never apologize for going to therapy. it's wonderful that you're going.
i think we can apologize for things like hurting others. but why apologize when you're just trying to help yourself with some issues?
p.s. i count things too. and worry about many, many, many, many things.
And then I love this one because I relate to the feelings SO MUCH. I kind of want to quote you at length and write out the words and put them up around me so that I don't forget that someone else gets it and I'm not SO out of line when I critique our way of life and get depressed by the American dream (nightmare), while also knowing that medicine and therapy can be important for us, in this hyper-competitive, hyper-individualistic day and age, I guess. We just want to do something about something, we just want to make things better, but it can be so difficult when we're not better ourselves. I know that a lot of it is biological, but sometimes I also wonder if maybe part of the reason that we don't feel good is because society's not always all that good. It's so entangled. Again, thank you for your beautiful writing, hope you're doing well, I really do!!
-tw
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