black berry stained heart

So over the weekend i bought some hair dye. I used to dye my hair a lot just random fun colors but it never turned out like I hoped..which was Blue or Purple like the mermaids in Hook. So i just let it be natural for years but then a few days ago I bought some semi permanent EBONY MOCHA dye and voila. Im an ebony mocha head.

But in this picture i had just picked black berries and was bringing them to my friend-with-a-camera.

So since declaring myself recovered i freaked out and eliminated some food groups and sailed a sea of internet thinspo. Yikes. FreakSTOPwhaTyrDOING.... i feel like im looking at porn or something when i do that. BADBADEVIL.

oh hello lovely bones. stop no dont. chew chew swallow gulp
yeah yeah yeah

I fell asleep drawing in my big sketchbook.
I have a difficult time trusting people
I think bruises can be pretty

I wonder if you can take a medication for so long, that the part of your brain that makes the chemical being targeted by the meds will just STOP working.
so you cant ever get off of the meds. I worry about that often.

i think that as far as recovery goes, it is one thing to look deep within yourself and sort out
the things you shoved below and it is another whole thing..to accept the body you got.
- - - - and these things are tied up together for most of us...but! I really feel like the part of me I use to NOT hyperventilate when my thighs touch is very distinct from the part that remembers painful events...and moves forward toward a challenge regardless.
I dont know how to explain it...But there is, well, you know, it IS a helluva HARD THING to feel your flesh and clothes touch and the space around you pressing down and truly believe that it's all gonna be OKAY. When the scale says normal, and you still have to eat some lunch. and then go back to work and do a regular job and not curl up in a ball and wail. or starve or smoke or slice yourself to bits or whatever sort of bitter coping mechanism you may have chosen, or just developed.
and you must talk to this customer on the phone despite the fact that your body parts are expanding rapidly in disporportion and it cant be true but if FEELS soooo true but it can't be...MUS push through you know. And i'm so shocked that these days i mostly can. I think..i can push through it. Its frightening, isn't it?