Fucking Recovered

So i have been happy for xxxxxconsecutive days. No panic attacks at 3am, no overwhelming death lust, no INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, no ocd ocd ocd ocd.....and i can eat without an overwhelming feelin that i am doing something terribley horribley WRONG....more like just a flicker of panic. Manageable panic. 

so now what?

this sucks.

now, of course, it doesn't REALLY suck.

its great and everyone keeps tellin me how GREAT i look, even the doctor, whichmakes me want to KILLher but yes i'm grateful except that i'm not.

what do i do?

i miss those howling bleeding ghosts

the hunger pains and even the m i s e r y. the disgust and ....putrid.thoughts.

but i don't really. This has been discussed before  - the Devil you Know.....well isn't he more comfortable than the one you dont know? or even the Angel that you don't know?

it is just a comfortable cage.

So once i was talking to my T (last time i saw her i told her i was recovered and happy and great and would come back to check in bc i feared a big fall but i was DOING MARVELOUS as of now) - i said it it very very simple.

i liked tobehungry. There. I said it.  I LIKED it. what else? no need to discuss the reasons or chemicals or losses or what have you. We don't need a TITLE or a name or a DiSoRdEr. I want to be thin. So I wont eat. and then at some point i could not eat without a giant frowning god staring down his nose at me as i shrank.

but whatever. i got well then sick then well then well. i balanced all this. i fought for this. i ate blind faith. i swallowed gulps of vitamin protein shakes for YOU.  i believed what my eyes could not see. I f ought for this, can i not enjoy it? why oh why does RECOVERY FEEL LIKE FAILURE TODAY?