..find a place to level out

i am still moving
and packing
and cleaning out.
i have found tons of stuff i wrote and drew when i was sicker.
oh my god i am so glad i have gotten better.
This was a letter to my lover that was never sent...

" If it didnt affect you i am not so sure you would care what sort of atrocites went on in my head.
bc you stll dont believe me. no one believes me. i wish i could make you see
i wish i could cut open my stomach in front of you and maggots fall out and then you will know
i wish you could feel it, the pure horror pumping through veins for hours days weeks, maggots in veins,
the morbid visions,the deathlust, the hate speeches, i want to watch you try to stop it..for months to no avail. and then have the one person who is supposed to be there for you say, "you must like it, you never try to stop it"



The thing about mental illness is that you can't always SEE it so people tend to discredit the pain it can cause and the lives it can ruin.
The one thing, though, that I wish I wish I could advocate for is that YOU CAN GET BETTER.

healing with a star, i mean scar.

and it is a lot, of work
and it is more than medicine. things like exercise (tho it is hard) and nutrition and schedules force your body to set a rythm and to make chemicals that fight the disease.
and the medication can help too.

I really cant believe how far I have come.
and I cant believe the people I have met
and the people who have helped me ....and the people I have hurt


it is really hard to be what everyone wants you to be
to be there for everyone
esp when you have serious screws loose and are unraveling in places
and people keep pulling on you to be there for THEM
and you try and you try and.....
it is really hard to hold anyone else up
when you are falling down yourself

and you  never measure up to their expectations.
exhaustion.

So one thing that totally motivates me to get and stay well
is that when i can be mentally and emotionally strong
I can be there for the people around me..
esp the ones that were there for me at times
(even if their motives are questionable and often times demands were unreasonable)