So I actually ate real food for the past two days instead of Nutrition Bars and Shakes and I am now Freakingsick.My torso feels like a fucking garbage disposal. (MENTAL IMAGE GAG) I have such a disconnect from myself AND BODY. Sometimes I wonder if my stomach issues are like self fulfilled prophecies. Because there are so many things that I CAN’T eat now w/out getting sick. And having my gallbladder removed helped but did not fix my stomach issues. I wonder how many ED sufferers have gallbladder problems. My mom swears that the trouble with mine stemmed from my E.D. but the doctor just shrugged, pretty much.
Anyway I can maintain a healthy weight and appearance on nutrition bars and shakes but I know I appear totally neurotic in social settings when eating is involved and I almost CRY and order the most non caloric thing on the menu. My closest friends are used to it and never mention it, bless their hearts. But coworkers sometimes make me feel like i have” FOOD FREAK” tattooed on my head. Sometimes I want so defend myself, like, “well! so what you smoke/bite fingernails/road rage/ over eat/drugs/cheat /lie just to justify my weird behavior. But this is the south and FOOD is a BIG ol deal here. Bacon and FRIED THINGS and comfort food.
I just want a break I guess, but my brain won’t give me one. And I feel kind of cheated by…fate? I guess bc I stll have lots of the emotional issues of a E.D. but my weight and appearance are fine and it irritates the HELL outta the sicker part of me. She just SCREAMS, ya know? AT ME. But. Oh well.
So this pic is my attitude about all of it today.And Her And the Extra Special Work Assignment that I got yesterday. But ..its coo,l it’s cool. OH AND BTW I WANT AN OWL TATTOO.
6 comments:
Poor b. What is your Extra Special Work Assignment? It sounds kind of secret agent-ish, but I don't guess it is since it makes you sad.
it doesn't make me sad it just stresses me out. I am doing Bienville's paper and they don't have email yet (I KNOW!!) so i have to type in all this stuff i get from this older lady who just scratches out and circles stuff and it doesn't make any sense. So i put it all together on the computer and D prints it. and my carpal tunnel issues are gettin worse. And other than that i just want to be skinny and some girl keeps "complaining" to me about how naturally skinny she is and i'm like STFU!!!!!!!!
okay that was a bit of a freak out. sorry. but that pic is not supposed to be sad, i think it is HILARIOUS. I have a pic of Charles Randy doing the same thing and i put us side and by side and we laughed so hard. We are silly at work a lot so even tho I complain, it is pretty fun. Except this new carpal tunnel problem is NOT fun.
i just love people who complain how naturally skinny they are. i love them enough to suggest they move to Paris, where everyone is apparently naturally skinny. just so long as they're nowhere near me.
Thanks that made me laugh!! this girl is way smaller than me and sometimes she complains that she is fat (which i mean..really?) and then two days later she is like.."i cant find clothes small enough im going to have to shop in childrens" And I am pretty sure she has ED issues, but it seems like she targets me with them. I try to say only positive body image things to her, or ignore her but i feel like i am on thin ice with my own issues and she triggers me...Therefore it is hard to be strong for the both of us! Anyway, thanks for commenting!!
Wow. You know how to catch people's attention!
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