Stitched and Bound

i worked on this drawing until i fell asleep last night..and.

Writing blogs in  my head, a motor that goes on and on....

The thing about the way i draw bodies is that i dont WANT them to look like they look, i want them to look like they FEEL. and this never goes over well in academia. When i was teaching Drawing I, i insisted that my students keep a sketchbook of drawings that were more intuitive (or whatever they wanted) in addition to the rather rigid classroom assignments. Being a basic course, assignments often consisted of making a value scale or doing gestures of a simple still life. Expression  - of emotions or even the unexplainable moods inside a person - is so VITAL to making good art, that i wanted them to have freedom to create - withOUT the rigid rules- shadows fall to the left, the perspective is measured with a ruler, using your pencil to figure porportion....I wanted to say, here is a tool - charcoal  -  make the marks that your spirit guides you to make.

That was a little too hokey or liberal artsy - so i did give them guidelines..but i wanted them to have a free place to express themselves in addition to the boring assignment of drawing five organic contours. Anyway...

The idea of moving out of my house and making MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS has me feeling a bit o the ANXIETY and cluttery INTRUSIVE thoughts. My anxiety totally transforms itself Things That Can't Possibley Be True...For instance, i am worried about a total stranger (REALTOR) coming to poke around my nest (my house IS my studio) but instead of feeling that, i experience total PANIC and feel like i cant breathe and then i have total physiological response - literally i felt like my blood froze in in the veins in my arms. When i was younger i may have let that thought process continue until i was completely unsure about the NATURE OF REALITY and so confused i barely knew my name but NOW!! on my quest to be a rational  human being I immediately recognize what my brain is doing and start attempting to CONTROl it by well forcing myself to BREATHE slowly like I am the OMMmmmm master. 

I used to LAUGH at self help books but, really some of them have some GOOD advice about controlling anxiety attacks and stuff.

bc really, i got the call from the landlord and within 8 minutes i was outside on the phone with my mom crying bc in 1970 her dad died 3 months after she moved back from Montana and my carpal tunnel problems were going to leave me totally crippled and i could FEEL the tendons and blood and nerves completely BREAKING. and what if all the things i DREW really came true...bc i drew stitched arms for YEARS...and what about ohmgod KARMA.

but then yeah i fought to come up for air. 

oh and i totally had nutritional shakes and bars for food yesterday bc i could not eat "REAL" food but i think im kinda GREAT for making sure i got adequate nutrition by some means or another bc iwant to be strong and FUNCTION..except for that tiny part that wants to be sick and Avaoidant. Gah. okay.