i hate cleaning i hate cleaning i hate it. i have no idea how things got this messy in the first place but in addition to hating cleanin i hate being messy. i hate putting things in ORDER. It hurts my brain like math i dont know why. And the harder i try to focus on one thing the more frustrated i feel....except for these few things i can super zone in on like drawing or tweezing hairs or peeling paint and then i can zoom in and do it for hours. Is there a name for this? Or if it is normal may i please have a manual to how my brain behaves so i can accomplish all the normal things in life like paying bills and finding my paycheck bc once i left it behind the seat in my car for a week and didnt even THINK about it for days. Dont know how it got there but i suppose things like MONEY are not a part of my immediate reality (tho it should be) bc in my head i am thinking of impossible things and painting. Therefore I..need to grow up already. BUT I TRIED. That is the thing everyone says "just get organized, just focus, just PAY ATTENTNION TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING." well dammit - i am TRYING to! i have been TRYING to since the THIRD GRADE. and i still move things around and wonder if someone broke in and moved things around bc i dont remember putting that there. or ANY of that really.
So I worry about having a roommate I worry about moving i worry about everything. I remember my ex saying "you cant make it without me, no one knows you like i do" and then i go off and leave the STOVE ON or go to bed WITH THE BACK DOOR WIDE OPEN or go out to run errands without my wallet and i wonder if he is right. And i wonder if all the energy i put into trying to be remotely in order is really worth it bc it takes alot of energy and i need that energy in other areas of my life.
and when i suggested to my mom that she has ADD she laughed and said i try to make excuses for people but people are the way they are and you deal with it and go on. Reasons or excuses? what is the differnce? I think it is just bc i want to be better. i have a quirky perfectionist sense, i want to be kinda perfect or at least better than i AM.
Or i suppose i could just "do the best i can" and accept me for me. and hope ya'll accept me for me.
So yesterday i took my dog to Red River with my professor friend and his dog. He got a new camera lens and took some pics of me. I like modeling for him bc it is very comfortable, he feels like family and bc we both have asimilar artistic vision. More about truth than beauty. anyway this one pic was kind of fun so i am posting it.
also, i started drawing a rib cage laced with a ribbon and tied with a bow on the sternum last night but fell asleep before finishing it, so that hopefully will be my next post.
okay back to cleaning.
1 comment:
i hate cleaning, i hate cleaning, i hate cleaning. i need to grow up. my very grown up boyfriend doesn't know why i don't clean, cook or do anything i don't feel like. there are seven year olds with more responsibility.
you'd think if i hated so much for not cleaning, not cleaning, not cleaning, i'd do something about it. instead, i read.
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