Dollface and Her Coffin

I have drawn several (hundred lol) pics of women in coffins, in front of coffins, walking away from coffins....

I sculpted an 5.5 foot coffin and placed a styrofoam sculpture of a distorted pregnant female figure.

Coffins are symbols but not always of death. Maybe just fear, just a trap, a womb or cage you are afraid to be out of. 

When i think back to the images in first art show to the ones i am making now it is such a progression (in skill i hope but also in visual imagery) Guess I am telling a story, here. Guess I am Illustrating my life. I hope  - I dream - that maybe one day i will be able to HELP someone, somehow with my images and experience.

The E.D. was one thing, the Depression and Anxiety was one thing...S.I. was one thing...One thing I don't ever want to hide or lie about but one thing I FOUGHT LIKE HELL TO OVERCOME

for years. And i drew that fight. Of course I don't want to glamourize the struggle, the starving or the blood even though at times, doesn't it glamourize itself? It does to me but I know that is part of the trick. Part of the comfort of being sick.

Anyway i am hovering but im hovering high right now! I have another new painting to post i just need some natural sunlight to photograph it and it has been toooo rainy here.

My Tulsa trip (to see the boy and to see Sonic Youth) was fanta-bulous and here is a pic of me downtown being verrrrry happy!!!

So.

why would a person get out of a coffin yet insist on

carrying with them everywhere?

Folk Urban Continuum. I am it.

Awesome weekend at my parents house. I fed a baby calf and this mama hog. I really love hogs. Its crazy, bc i am vegetarian but my dad and his brothers and his parents and his grandparents and on and on were all hog hunters. They have free range hogs that live in the swamp, they hunt, catch, and kill them in the winter. I grew up watching all sort of animals killed and cleaned. Maybe that i why i am veg.... bc i do believe animals can suffer, and I think it is rather gruesome to eat them, but i deal with and accept the fact that my family and most everyone I know, eat meat. However, I think it is more humane to kill and eat wild animals that it is to raise them in tiny cages and mass produce them. Anyway, I used to think about this ALL THE TIME. I am so spiritual with nature and animals that is almost goes over into the realm of new age hokey-iness.
Yes, i can laugh at myself.
No, I will not eat a shrimp.
Yes, i want to bury steaks and give them funerals
No, Im not disgusted by watching a hog being butchered.
Yes, i love bones. I collect bones. I see life as a circle....my bone collection and my vegetarianism are not a contradiction. They are a confirmation. Almost a religion.

Humans can be nasty. and vile.

Life can be ugly. and gruesome.

There were times, when i should have looked away.

and i didnt.

And humans can be Kind and Joyful

and Love and compassion can abound

and i honestly don't know what to make of all of it.

So i draw

and i write

and i blog

and i breathe

MONSTER

Here is the Monster drawing i did for the Monster Mash Show in Shreveport

The theme was just your interpretation of a monster. So i did this sort of primal, instinctive natural monster that is inside everyone. LIke Maybe even more primitive than an animal, you know, its a freaking plant. trying to surive. Trying to grow towards the sunshine.

It is funny than heard "your own interpretation of amonster" and the first thing i thought was INSIDE ME.

so...this is the see inside monster.

and i was in Tulsa during the show, so UNFORTUNATELY I didn't get to attend the opening, and i don't have my own pics.
Prints are for sale for 10 bucks.

aaand since i hate to blog w/out a pic here is a shot of me and my bestest friend Amanda at the Terrorplex near Dallas. It was a series of Haunted Houses and it was a blast!

Bitter Heart; A Love Rant

when i disappear

i go here

it never happened

you ever noticehow you can make somthing disappear.
like you are a witch
like you are a magiciain

this didnt happen it didnt happen it didnt happen no hting happened ti never ever happened it didnt. it did NOT and i am FINE.
there you go.

just got back from tulsa. have not blogged bc i was gone but now i am back.
and now i am dumped.

and now once again im going who the hell am I?
my bday is wednesday.
i am july 221978.
i am.

iamlosingthis

Lily and her Healing Light

Some times i have a such a bizarre time being alone with myself i just stay busy to avoid getting sucked into the crevices of my psyche...an ocd focus on a pore, a scar, a fingernail. Like a black hole collapsing in on itself.

I scanned in some drawings from a while back ago. The sketchbooks are from the past 3 years ...i try to remember to date things but for me trying to remember is just Forgetting.

going thru the images made me sad bc i used to fill up a sketchbook in a week. now ....i work so much and work makes me tired that i can only do 3 or 4 drawing a week and small ones at that....

The gaining of these last five pounds eradicated so much pain. It is unbelievable. The pain in my hips, jaws, shoulders....It is gone. The bone scraping joint pain is gone. The freezing ice bone pain. Why would you miss pain? How can you miss pain? Maybe i don't miss it, i just am not sure how to live without it.

recovery tree

So in a blog post i referred to my maintaining wellness as "dancing around the recovery tree" and the author of I hate to weight and more blog suggested that i draw that. LIGHTBULB. greatest idea ever - bc i tend to draw the sickness feeling so much more than the healing because im not sure HOW to draw the healing in a not so painful light bc the HEALING IS PAINFUL but i wanted to try something more positive and ACTION oriented but it was just a suggetion to myself in my head so when
i got the comment on my blog i was like BAM yes okay lets try it.

aaaand this is just a thumbnail - first rough sketch - and notice that she is not real joyous in the face! This can be a tedious dance. Maybe eventually I will draw happy souls dancing around that sacred tree. RIght now it is new and she is afraid.

Trees are symbolic and important to me.. as i grew up in the most rural spot in a million pine trees. and cedar and cypress and sweet gum and pin oak..ancient old secret grown up in their rings. In my pretend world those trees were my friends. yeah i was a dork. whatever i lived in my head. still do. So...you know how in myth shamans are dancing around the tree, witches are living IN the tree, jesus is nailed to the tree...etc. I like that. I like to use that. It makes sense to me.

Ribbons. So the first person i showed this to said, "oh look a girl tied to a tree." Im like, "she is NOT TIED TO the tree she is dancing around it". He said, "oh like a may pole." "well. no. yes. sort of...."
i have drawn women tied to trees several times before...that feels more like what i am feeling thatn the recovery dance that i want to feel. BUT. i can draw it and make it come true, I say.

I drew..Stone figures in a row all connected with ribbon. I make little voodoo dolls and tie them with ribbon to a stick. or to each other. or to the leg of bed. I dont know why it seemed important. This is art? This is religion? This is me trying to make it all make sense...
Whatever. The ribbons symbolize our connections maybe? the invisible lines that weave us together? or apart?
i don't know. i'll post more pics. some days i m just bad with words.

2000

Trying Not to Refuse

So my friend is a photographer and I model for him all the time and of course i dont really model i just pose for fun and get all artsy sometimes (we are both painters) and i like this one bc it is
kinda spooky and the highlight/shadows are interesting and all that.

Anyway right now I am attempting to force myself to be comfortable in this shape/body that is way not the shape body i want.
So you have choices I suppose - stay this way and hate da body, Lose weight, Stay this way and learn to love da body.

Sometimes is just seems like the soul of me, the body of me, and the space around me, don't sit right together... all disproportion and feeling of Hugeness and Pressure..much of what i believe is Anxiety. A formless fear taking form..in my body!!

I found this post at Ed Bites to be helpful.

But alas I am 30, been ED-ed since 14 and forever, and the idea of accepting this body..just clicked as something as i should and could strive for. Instead of the usual...I REFUSE.

Love/Hate

Finally! This is the piece I did for the Love/Hate show a couple of months ago. It has been at a friends house since the show came down and I finally got it back.

the sun is a star.

here is another of the bright watercolors. I may have blogged it long ago, but i am feeling it today!
hugs to the blogoworld

photosynthesis

swamp grrrrrl

She Stood....in a COLORING book!!!

I did this while we were watching a movie -and now dont remember which one or anything that happened in it but! I got out my old prismacolor markers, btw those markers are truly amazing bc they are years and years old and still in great condition and NOT dried out at all.

A coloring book! wouldn't it be fun to make a coloring book..not for kids maybe but just turn all of my doodley drawings into a story book that you can color? It could be like a graphic novel about this woman that changes shape in an environment that changes shape and in her efforts to find something solid and constant she lands on a scale and then finds it to be UN-reliable also so she plants flowers in her stomach and they grow out and up toward the sun and she becomes nourished by the suns energy and grows and eventually learns to accept the Fluid nature of reality..all in VIVID TECHNICOLOR!! yay

So sometimes i post pics of myself - and REFUSE to bodysnark in an effort to force myself to ACCEPT this flesh vessel regardless of how i FEEL about it. w/out picking it apart...Dancing around the Recovery tree singing la la la this is okay la la al i will Do this i will not freak out i will not la la la but then a heavy weight inside just wants to take a chainsaw to that flesh-bot.

black berry stained heart

So over the weekend i bought some hair dye. I used to dye my hair a lot just random fun colors but it never turned out like I hoped..which was Blue or Purple like the mermaids in Hook. So i just let it be natural for years but then a few days ago I bought some semi permanent EBONY MOCHA dye and voila. Im an ebony mocha head.

But in this picture i had just picked black berries and was bringing them to my friend-with-a-camera.

So since declaring myself recovered i freaked out and eliminated some food groups and sailed a sea of internet thinspo. Yikes. FreakSTOPwhaTyrDOING.... i feel like im looking at porn or something when i do that. BADBADEVIL.

oh hello lovely bones. stop no dont. chew chew swallow gulp
yeah yeah yeah

I fell asleep drawing in my big sketchbook.
I have a difficult time trusting people
I think bruises can be pretty

I wonder if you can take a medication for so long, that the part of your brain that makes the chemical being targeted by the meds will just STOP working.
so you cant ever get off of the meds. I worry about that often.

i think that as far as recovery goes, it is one thing to look deep within yourself and sort out
the things you shoved below and it is another whole thing..to accept the body you got.
- - - - and these things are tied up together for most of us...but! I really feel like the part of me I use to NOT hyperventilate when my thighs touch is very distinct from the part that remembers painful events...and moves forward toward a challenge regardless.
I dont know how to explain it...But there is, well, you know, it IS a helluva HARD THING to feel your flesh and clothes touch and the space around you pressing down and truly believe that it's all gonna be OKAY. When the scale says normal, and you still have to eat some lunch. and then go back to work and do a regular job and not curl up in a ball and wail. or starve or smoke or slice yourself to bits or whatever sort of bitter coping mechanism you may have chosen, or just developed.
and you must talk to this customer on the phone despite the fact that your body parts are expanding rapidly in disporportion and it cant be true but if FEELS soooo true but it can't be...MUS push through you know. And i'm so shocked that these days i mostly can. I think..i can push through it. Its frightening, isn't it?

Body Burn

And i was thinking of old things

..">
In my head we are happy we live on a hill we grow things we live in a castle we are in love in your head you blow your brains out every day.
In my head we have been together 10 years we have been on a thousand trips we kissed on a balcony in Italy we bought wine in a tiny village in france we walked the streets of Berlin we live in a castle on robbins hill we met in a snowstorm you wish you were dead everyday.
It..s the world you hate? Good. When you start lovin it is when you..re in trouble. The world will hate you, when it loves you, you are in trouble. It..s the prophecy.

Don..t trouble yourself with judging them their judgement exists already its waiting. Its coming. Just like ours. Don..t waste time hating this world it barely even exists. It will all be destroyed. What we crave is somewhere else and it can not be destroyed. Some things I know I have always known and not because someone preached it at me. I searched for it. I begged for it. I pleaded with an invisible force to not make me stay here in this reality. I begged for the reality not to be so. I wanted an answer. I wanted some peace.

All I found were some flowers. A plant that grew back. I thought it was dead. A dog shoving its cold wet nose in my ear. Ladybugs in my house. A dead woman 30 years old who had planned a life of joy. Some dew in the grass reflected some morning sun. And the rich logging companies plowed on through....extincting species no one even knows about. half naked young women dance across America to distract men from the bombs falling on innocent peasants in tiny poor countries. But I saw 2 deer last time I went home and they only belong to God.

there is no real peace to be found anywhere outside of you. You know that right. I don..t know what you believe. I don..t know where you..re anger comes from. I don..t know how to help you. I don..t even know why I think I m supposed to.
so in your head you blow yr brains out everday and I make up stories in my head so much I don..t remember what even really happened. I remember what it felt like. The ongoing injustice, corruptness and greed that is this world grinds on and you get aggravated and and angry and then something breaks and we yell and we curse and wecry. And ball up. Its like this negative spirit that is emitted from factories and traffic and greed and money it seeps in our skin. It makes us claw at each other and snap at our fellow humans who just like us are confused and sad. I pretend there are lil glowing frogs all over the house crawling around and radiating a positive life force.

Its all energy. That is all any of this is. And just because you can..t see something does not mean it isn..t there.
In a way I think its okay you can add to the pos. side or the neg. side. But of course it isn..t that simple.
What do I know anyway. I sleep to avoid. Im just a lonely girl that talks to herself.

12-09-02

Treehugger

So i had some favorite trees as a kid...i suppose, in my head, they were 

like Ents...the talking trees...they sort of marked off the backyard which was a kind of wonderland 

to retreat

from the hellish anxiety ball that was school.

so there was this mimosa tree that i climbed and well, I must have been

quite literally  a kind of treehugger barefoot chimp child.

So anyway it grew and i grew and ..it just died.

My dad cut it down yesterday.

boom crack snap thud.

sort of a ....milestone. marker. 

it was a great tree...gone

Bad Taste. (108 Dead Fish St)

So this one time, a blogger that i was kinda sorta trying to befriend mentioned that my art work was quite possibly IN BAD TASTE.

After the initial MORTIFICATION, i got angry. Then HURT. Then back to angry. Surely, i would not have been offended if it had been the wealthy ladies at the Local Parish Art Guild. I would have expected it...see it has happened quite often. However, I was seeking approval from this person...i imagined that if I branched out..reached out, you know, something would happen. Something different.

Despite the positive responses I got from several people that bad taste comment stung and stood out in my mind.

I paint what I have felt and experienced and a good deal of that has not been "socially acceptable" or in "good taste"..I just can't apologize for it anymore. As a matter of fact, I really never should have apologized for it in the first place..but  my particular personality....made that inevitable. My imagination is what it is and at various times it was all I had. Creating this imaginary world that mirrors reality was a coping mechanism as much as it was an ACEDEMIC AREA OF STUDY...and too bad i became unbalanced and retreated too far into it...

so far that reachng out is, at times, terrifying.

Cyber communication seemed less frightening. Made my heart race less....

The more "well" i get, the more i can see how "sick" i was in the past. And there are flickers of regret for  the time I could see as wasted. However when down in that deep dark cave of collarbones, ribs, deafening hunger and rotten flesh images..a pit of despair, depression, anxiety, i gathered, out of the muck, jewels. And though they made be shaped odd and possibly in bad taste, I wouldn't trade them for  a shiny photoshopped manicured  waxed diamond. I am what I am, and that includes goodness and  love and most importantly kindness and Honesty. And honesty includes, sometimes, things that are not necessarily Media Approved Pretty.

This curious decaying fish reminded me of  that comment..about the bad taste. Bc i saw a creature that was a cultural symbol for "life" or "birth" decaying on the bank. I was intrigued by the scales drying texture and the silver white color....so beautiful. So repulsive. So REAL...I feel an overwhelming love for all of God's creatures and their natural life cycles and the suffering that occurs in all of the life forms on earth.  It is all bundled up in my world view and if it sometimes seems that i say or paint things that are in bad taste...well i really don't mean to be offensive. I only am being real..which is pretty much what i expect and admire in other people even if it does not match my exact outlook.

In spite of my laid back silliness and cynical sarcasm, I can at times be too serious...and i can be too sensitive and take things too personally...And I attempt to balance that and lately it has become easier.  Becomes sometimes a dead fish can spark a symbolic liturgy for nature in my head but sometimes a dead fish is just a dead fish.

Oleandar. Physical/Emotional Growth

She is not finished but...Argh! I wanted to make the missing arm reared back, as if she were going to throw something toward you..viewer...then I though of how much I would like the body/balance of having her armless. But armless bound figures were the norm for me for sooo long that i truly think adding arms signified personal growth for me. It was only AFTER I gave Jacob his Christmas painting that  realized she had two arms and I didn't even debate it. She just had them. I believe it is bc I felt strong in that relationship. (and confused by it  - which is why I so debated giving her hair) Her huge hand were so ABLE.

I don't know.

I feel so compelled to make these pictures and only later do i see how the images fit in with what was going on in my life (and in my  head) at the time. That is why all my art is art therapy...and always has been...even though it was not intentional.

That, also, is why i am afraid of showing it..promoting it...even though part of me wants to soooo badly 

Also, I do not like to draw things the way they look,but rather the way they feel and that is often criticized by people who rely heavily on technical skill - realistic portrayal. Admittedly, I have a long way to go skill wise and  slowly adding more body parts to my figures (hands, arms) indicates a technical growth as an artist as well as emotional growth. uh,.. i think. How about that!

Fucking Recovered

So i have been happy for xxxxxconsecutive days. No panic attacks at 3am, no overwhelming death lust, no INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, no ocd ocd ocd ocd.....and i can eat without an overwhelming feelin that i am doing something terribley horribley WRONG....more like just a flicker of panic. Manageable panic. 

so now what?

this sucks.

now, of course, it doesn't REALLY suck.

its great and everyone keeps tellin me how GREAT i look, even the doctor, whichmakes me want to KILLher but yes i'm grateful except that i'm not.

what do i do?

i miss those howling bleeding ghosts

the hunger pains and even the m i s e r y. the disgust and ....putrid.thoughts.

but i don't really. This has been discussed before  - the Devil you Know.....well isn't he more comfortable than the one you dont know? or even the Angel that you don't know?

it is just a comfortable cage.

So once i was talking to my T (last time i saw her i told her i was recovered and happy and great and would come back to check in bc i feared a big fall but i was DOING MARVELOUS as of now) - i said it it very very simple.

i liked tobehungry. There. I said it.  I LIKED it. what else? no need to discuss the reasons or chemicals or losses or what have you. We don't need a TITLE or a name or a DiSoRdEr. I want to be thin. So I wont eat. and then at some point i could not eat without a giant frowning god staring down his nose at me as i shrank.

but whatever. i got well then sick then well then well. i balanced all this. i fought for this. i ate blind faith. i swallowed gulps of vitamin protein shakes for YOU.  i believed what my eyes could not see. I f ought for this, can i not enjoy it? why oh why does RECOVERY FEEL LIKE FAILURE TODAY?

In (More) Progress....

New Orleans Trip

Headed to NOLA!!

Im going to New Orleans tonight. That dreamy nightmare city that I LOVE. Me and my two best girls.
we are gong to a cemetery and art galleries.

I have been thinking that i am going change up the point of my blog. From now on, I'm gonna aim for no less than 3 posts a week and all will have drawings. I have been drawing almost every night. Lately, i just have not had many words and im perplexed bc for so long i had way way way tooooo MANY words. and then they slowed down.

So i plan on seeing art on this trip; maybe i will be inspired to post more drawings tuck them in this little corner of bloggy land.


Here is my luna moth painting from last month

Goddess of Mayhaws!

I made some sculpty figures over the weekend and picked these Mayhaws at Red River yesterday. Eventually I am going to Sand the little venus figure and make a little box for her to live in, but for now she is hangin out in the Mayhaws

Worlds Collide

This painting is new. It is about being caught between to worlds...the living and the dead, the reality everyone works adn shops in and the imaginary world in my head that seemed so much more real. Caught between sick and well...stretched grasping....one foot in the grave yet moving toward emerald city...Yellow makes me feel crazy. Staring into bright yellow for a long time could feel so good to my brain...but oh i just want to be wrapped up in colored light.

It takes guts...

So I had to leave work early to get to the doc an hour away to get my prescriptions and I told her I was doing great and Prozac is, like, the best thing that ever happened to me (and i mean that. i was so sick for a while i did not know it was possible to not have the deathlust daily). She said i looked good and asked me about calories and food and that kinda freaked me out bc i usually save that for the gypsy, and keep it brief with her. I hate when she says i look great. Healthy and Alive is scary. But only bc Sad and Death Bones was all i knew for so long and it was a sharp comfortable pain. Health feels Anxious.
It takes guts to stay well. to get well. It does. It takes guts to reach out to others, too. Hello dear friend, I am merely suggesting that you love your self. and you body.

I told her i m still terrified of real food; i exist on diet/nutrition food moslty and it seems to be working out okay. I dont tell her alot of things bc i dont want more meds. So i say its peachy. but the scary thing is, it kind of IS peachy. Where did the Compulsion go? really? was it the meds? was it the years of struggling to quiet the hate noise and death lust? a combo? How did i freaking get to a place as free from psychic pain as this? im shocked. Im so scared it won't last. The colors never looked so bright....sober.

But when i don't feel the gray drudge pain of a sick mind...I feel like something is missing.

Zydecajun

So here is a pic of me with Wayne Toup,s a zydeco musician who played in Zwolle sat night. I love the accordian, the band was great. Wayne was sweet and funny and he had a very pretty red accordian. Everyone - old people and little kids - were dancing all over the place. It was fun to watch..i love live music..and I love Louisiana, too even tho some parts are stupid and sad.

I was too exhausted to paint this weekend even tho i have a bad ass new jute canvas that clyde gave me. So I drew a lot and even dug out my old prisma color markers to play with. i will post those and my pics from the love/hate show soon.
I dont know if it is work or weather or my increased caffeine abuse but my god i have been sleepy. Half the time I feel like I am dreaming.

I miss those days were i slept all day and painted all night....okay back to work. work smerk.

and i didn't even get to go in!

So the funny thing about this pic is that i didnt actually make it INTO the museum but ....hey there is always NEXT TIME.
and i put it on facebook and refused to body snark on myself even tho i wanted to say OMiGOD.GUT!!! But whatever, i mean its the HIGH MUSEUM OF ART - can i not focus for two freaking seconds on the amount of space i take up? i annoy myself as if i am some one else. weird. shut up self Wait was that me?

Have not been bloggin much bc of numba one PARANOIA and numba two - not much time anymore. Since they fired the coolest manager ever and replaced him with creep-a-zoid who does not know how to do anything i have been working overtime. and drinking lots of coffee which is making me feel anxious and panicky and huge. but oh well. i stuck paintings in the LoVe/Hate art show in shreveport and that was fun.

i have got blog reading to catch up on. Strange how you can miss the blogworld when you get kinda sucked out of it.

disconnect

this pic is about the general (yet constant) disconnect one can feel from their own body...and life.

I feel really disconnected lately. I am i big or small? young or old? is everyone always this busy? is this just real life or i am not
fitting in...again.

I have not blogged in so long bc numba one, ive been working like crazy and numba two - i have gotten nervous about having all this stuff on the 'net. or i just can't decide if i shouldbe nervous about it or not..
So the sociopath is back in jail where he belongs.
i got some paintings to the Love/Hate art show but then i was too brain dead to stay very long and visit with everyone.

work is so different than it used to be. It used to be laid back and chill and we focused on graphic design the most but now it is sooo overwhelmingly busy and non stop and we are more worried about money and selling and getting the ads done fast. In a way it sucks but in a way it is good for me....challenge. However the working from 6:45am to midnight was waaay to much and hopefully that will stop.

I still feel tired from last week. I had over 20 hours of overtime. zap buzz snap **

sociopath

omgd.
people need some kind of freaking Personality Disorder Guide Book to get through life....I said he is a SOCIOPATH and everyone is like.."uh yeah right." No. not a serial killer, not a rapist - just some everyday random person who has no conscience but knows how to act, how to blend in to appear as if he does...so that he can get what he wants - money usually.
and you want to make them feel bad...you want to hurt them back but it is impossible bc they can not feel empathy or guilt or remorse. that part of their brain is all broke up or not there or didn't ever grow in right.

okaaay instead of sociopath let me say CON ARTIST. okay? There you go.
superficial charm? check
compulsive constant lying? check
manipulation? check
repeatedly hurt the people close to them - even own children - with no remorse? check
blames others and the system repeatedly for own faults? Check
Plays on yr sympathies? Check
Continues to lie even after it is obvious to everyone that he is lying? Check.


i mean the list goes on.
and on..

If a person EVER seems to good to be true they probably ARE.

Does it seem like personality disorders always attract other personality disorders?
as if you weren't screwed up enought with your OCD or what have you, some narcissist asshole shows up, you are immediatley uncontrollable attracted to this person...and then they steal all yr money or what have you.

Humans are animals with technology..bundles of dumb energy. don't forget but have a great day anyway

you cant just make a new soul

i cant blog...i am painting, though.

the general manager at my job said he only wanted to hire hotties from now on.

everyone i know is on some work out diet plan they LOVE to talk about it

i dont want to be sober. like ever. but of course i am. right..... but it really bums me out
that most of hte population has not overcome the simple animal part of their brain that says mate with something attractive.
and often. it makes me want to be extremely UNattractive. too thin too pale too wierd back up back off
i don't feel connected to them all.

emotionally i retreat into my skull and hoard knives.

Gypsy Rose Tattoo

is one of two characters i made up on the way to work one day.
I write stories about them in my head ALOT. Probably too much bc this is real life, right? andin real life
you work at a desk.
whatever. ive got to pay bills right?
so anyway here is bit about Gypsy that begins from a rant about a girl who stole very precious gems from me:


You didn't have to steal. you could have asked. I would have probably given it to you.
but now, you have made yourself into a thief... and you appear...
positively spineless.
with a personality disorder.
oh well.

we were evaluating your progress and you fail.
When did i get made Queen? um.. just last week.

i have a walking skeleton on one side and the other...well, that is the white witch.
i would stay away from her..if i were you.

doe eyes.
stained lips.
i could easily slip a blade right near the jugular... yours...hmmm or mine

but i dont destroy people that way.
i, in fact, dont want to destroy anyone at all.
i want them all to stay away from me
except for the dolls i made and the two or three i will have over for tea

but if you do break into my house at night to steal my words - or my breath
i
sleep beside
a blue steel .45

I can peel my skin off.
i can make none of it matter.
i can roll my eyes backwards and become 85
turn you to dust.

i practiced for hours.
"you are insane and you eat spiders."
she walked away.

hmmm 2004 im an actress now. a really good one. im acting in bed, im acting at the dinner table im acting in class and at work and even when im alone im acting.
i brush my teeth comb my hair
pretending to care at all that i breathe.

Her name is Gypsy Rose Tattoo. She hates her name and she hates her face. She draws
careful pictures off all the bad things she wont allow herself to do.
she paints the ceiling red at 15 and begins hoarding baby food jars.
filling them with insects
"my trains of thoughts are insects..marching in a row..marching across my mind stomp
stomp. stomp". she holds her head.
in her hands.
her daddy plays in a rock band. she smokes pot in the basment and listens to his old records.
She moves away right after high school wanders around barefoot for a long time.
in the grimy city
near the dirty shore
foamy waves lick her pale ankles
i want to see the red skynow im ready for the red sky
she falls backwards into the waves into the rocks

the people who love me

"you should be careful what you blog about," said one of the people that love me. "You should not make yourself....vulunerable."
Am I? I didn't know that i was...well maybe i did. Maybe I didn't care. hmm
the conversation stayed with me. rolling over and over in my head.
Why did i start playing with words again anyway? When did I?

Well nothing i say is THAT personal..nothing i wouldnt say in real life. I spoke about my E.D. to a room full of strangers on TWO occasions. I randomly confess sins in everyday conversations and quickly bite my lip.
See there are boundaries...

oh yes i always had trouble with those.
"Well you never know what someone may use against you...."
and that was very good advice. People are crazy...no one will walk up and introduce them self like "hello i am your internet stalker..." A stealth sneak attack? years in the future maybe? when i have long forgotten that i blogged all those blood clots...
maybe.

Part of me wanted to say...the things in my blog are hardly secrets and they are hardly weakness...If you think they are then i should never show you my real face!! These things are just conversations at the watercooler..little red herrings swimming about..

2007. i'm waving my arms about in a classroom. i'm painting the air with an imaginary brush and rambling to my class about the "personal energy blah blah in movements that you infuse into your painting...into your pallette. The vigourous way you mix the paint the repetive motion of applying it to the canvas..brush strokes...this is an impressionist technique right here, but you find your OWN style you see..." How much of ME did i give them? Well it doesn't matter anyway bc they were not paying attention. I got a small check and bought art supplies with it.

"I didnt know i loved you til i saw you paint. Then i knew"
"well" i replied. "i'm not painting, i'm conversing with the dead."

the unwritten story

Everytime i have myself almost convinced that i can live in a loveless medicated half life some one shows up to remind me that i used to believe in something.

she said love me and let me go
she said love me and let me live
im just not finished yet...some stories just remain unwritten, right?
some pictures just remain unfinished.

I asked him about it ..how he dealt with loss. He said, 'look really,..you know what i do? i just try not to remember okay. i dont want to remember...even your good memories are just reminders of what you don't have anymore. just shove it all down deep"

"god. is that what everyone does?"

"yeah. i guess. i don't know. or they go to therapy"

Social Anxiety Disorder

Let's Compare!

the bone shells beneath waves of flesh

I left the house to go get my oil changed saturday morning and i got back just in time to get ready for work on MONDAY morning and i never even got the damn oil changed. my purse is in one parish and my dog is in another. i won't be regrouped until tuesday...at least i get paid friday.
The house I returned to on monday was not the same one I left on Friday...I mean it was.... Everything was right as i had left it..1/2 a cup of coffee on my bookshelf, open bottle of water, computer moniter holding the last internet page i was looking at...it didnt look like I had even been gone and frankly, I dont remember leaving the coffee there. But i wandered off and got an idea and then another and then i had to get the screws for the stupid bathroom towel rack bc the scews it recquires ARE VERY RARE INDEED...and I did pay the rent, which was good and i went to shreveport and saw Chuck's play which was FABULOUS and he got a GREAT review and I am kind of in awe of actors. real ones, not just "theatre people" and if you have ever been on the fringes you know what the quotation marks mean. "oh we are art people...its okay for us to fill-in-the-blank

and i ate four spring rolls at Dahn's Garden and i am still a little un nerved about that. Esp since spring rolls are kind of gross...like condoms filled with chopped raw carrots. really.

and I didnt take the Strattera this weekend bc i just didn't want to be sleepy!! it is making me sleepy - i give it one more week before i quit.


i know a woman who is amazing....her art is so good it makes me cry. I never really had a hero before.

Savage C and i were discussing childhood heros once bc he has many of them and i couldnt figure out why I didn't...
Eventually i was like..well i just didn't need one i guess.
I didn't need a hero bc i didn't know how horrid the world was bc i lived in an imaginary world.
with talking deer and magic streams and miraculous plants and stories of panthers roaming the forest
and banshees swooping down at night...screaming a mournful tale..
all the tragedy was in the past. In the dirt i played in.

So maybe that is why i made up villians
when they first gave me zoloft i anthropomorphized "him" into a wizard
we were going to FIGHT SOMETHING...something dark and mean..a shadow slipping across my brain.

I don't understand why I think/feel/look awful fat to myself but the people that are scientifically, factually, numerically BIGGER than me look fine and normal and great.

bc its not True about me. its a fantastic lie i tell myslef...so i will have something to fight instead of fighting for my ART or JOB or MONEY or RELATIONSHIPS. its all very lonely, you see.

and of course that is not ALL of it but sometime i just tell myself back the story of myself bc it makes me feel better
even if it may not be true.


So when we bloggers disucss REPLACING..as in "if i cant starve i cut and if i cant cut i drink and if i cant drink i count and if can't count i cut and if i cant cut i smoke and on and on....did anyone else Replace.. with HUMANS? like...if i can't be ocd about my behavior i will become completely OBSESSED with ONE PERSON and create the most co-dependent relationship on the planet?
yeah cuz I did and i may have been physically healthy and sober (for a bit) but i was severely emotionally crippling myself and another person.

Sometimes in my car..the music is just so good i turn it up so loud ..just surround myself with sound so thick..
music and art truly are therapy ..sometimes i just rock out.