exhausted...

that is all.

What else can i say?

I don't take rejection very well why don't you just make this easier on everyone and fall madly in love with me. And, of course, you know that by 'everyone,' I mean me. I have slipped back into self absorption lately and it is not very becoming.

Bc life is not that simple or easy and you can rarely choose who you love. You can decide to continue to love someone and be there but you can't just make someone want you despite all the bad lady mag advice in the world. and why would you even want to? I just want something real, but you see, i don't even believe in love, love is a dragon I slayed long long ago so why does it continue to rise up inside me like a starving beast driven by nothing more that a primal need to survive by feasting on touch and laughter and kisses and hope and companionship and someone to go to the goddamn park with. I mean not really. I'm not really that desperate just confused about they way we all interact with each other.  And how nothing lasts. Nothing lasts so you have to get good at being okay with loss. And that is not easy bc it defies logic. The need for other humans is some animal thing i hardly comprehend. People say animals don't "feel" things like we humans do and so, fine, they don't. but they feel. I have seen a mama cow mourn her dead calf for days. literally days, walking around wailing a god awful cry. Chimps will carry their dead around with them sometimes. It is like a version of the connection is broken but the beast can't let go. Dogs that are raised together will sometimes go mad when separated...crying, chewing their fur off, becoming lethargic.

Is the point to experience as much as you can, go as far as you can, learn as much as you can, see, feel, make, become and breathe and do all you can for this flickering moment we are alive or is it to surround yourself with the people you love and cherish them every second that they are breathing? because you can't have both, sweetheart. But you may want to quit being such an extremist.

there are missing pieces

The more people i meet down here the lonelier i feel. What is that about? feeling lonely? not understood? just the absence of anyone that cares or knows you?

Its okay, I mean this experience is what it is and I will be fine....I didn't expect much when I moved here. I expected to work and go to school. I wanted things to change. and they did. because i changed them. whatever, you know. I just wasn't prepared for the endurance...of being here. I prepped for the move, for the adjustment, but now that i am here and all these people are so transient and moving about and no one is tied to anything that makes sense to me. And they like it that way. I don't -  but then again I hated feeling trapped and smothered, too. All i ever wanted to be was transient. I listened to ramblin man when i was little and i wanted that song to be about me. What is all this pain about? All of our pain? Is this chemical nightmare depression anxiety crap? Or is this Just Living. Does Living mean learning to gracefully lose things you love. (or in my case, not so gracefully...yet)

I Circle the Fish

fish swimming circles inside my skull, i am.
right, wrong
write wrong
words.
say them.

Distracted. Not liking myself very much. I want OUT of my SELF.

bad things are everywhere.

good things are everywhere, too right? promise me this.

No promise good enough to keep. How long til i get over losing you? 

yes you. all of you.

 Mistakes were made, fallen flowers landed incorrectly...near your stare.

stony stare- silent creaking stairs at midnight. Careful.

I dream about my grandmothers house so often. She died in July. The day before my 32nd birthday. I haven't been back to her house since that day. My heart is so heavy with generations of loss handed down to us so we would not forget but this is heavy how do i move? Carrying all of your hearts on my back, blood drips twirling in such cataclysmic patterns over my calves and thighs and spatters over the stars on my feet down to the earth. the dirt i want to be.

I did it all for love, but sometimes a horror down inside me suggests that I did it all for obsession. a bundle of sick chemicals. buzzing outward toward your brain circuits and empty chest.

I miss you like you are dead and since you aren't i feel as if i am cheating the beloved dead by the comparison of mourning rituals. I am not. I am not.

I miss my mother and my father and the tree outside the dirty window in the house i grew up in. I need more adjectives for my clumsy chunks of words falling like drunk fish and landing like those platform black shoes from the nineties that were so good for stomping down streets littered with paper and vomit and broken glass and the flyers from the show we drove 5 hours to see.
we were never disappointed.

I have this overwhelming desire to cry your eyes out. starve your heart out. splinters for my bone machine rusting away under waves of flesh ebbing and reaching up for the moon. something is going to change and one day it is going to be better than this.

The box i came in

My wedding dress

So I am driving with a friend through some rural area and we pull over to check the map. I see this clothes hanger on a branch..."LOOK! Its my wedding dress! I found it!" is the first thing that pops out of my mouth. My friend insists on photographing me with it. It's perfect isn't it?

I am Patchwork

 

Stiches and scabs. This is where the healing begins. This is where you make it happen, how you keep going how you swear to the sky you won't give up. I want to give up. i want to dig a shallow hole in cool damp earth and feel it press against my back and shoulder blades and dig in and relax and sink. I love the earth, when i was younger, I  would happily dig up worms and roots and marvel at the shades of black and brown and tan and sandy grain and fluffy soil and how it felt soft like my mother. Under my nail and between toes, it felt like home all over me.

Nothing feels so good and real and whole and honest and that is where i want to be, every particle of me wants to dissolve back into it, every particle but one.

and that one particle has your name it, whoever you are.

i love you.

i am patchwork. i am pulling it together.

i am reaching for the sky now.

We are going to make it we are going to be just fine just fine just fine this fleshy vessel is made of psychic steel and it can contain all the burning sorrow that you can give me.

every inch, every ounce, every day.

I am going to be just fine.

we are. all of us.

what I am doing

is what i said I was going to do, right? I moved here for the job, I went back to school, I live alone. This is fine, this is okay -  I am going to be okay. I did what I said I was going to do. It hurts, it sucks. Whatever. I don't know why I suddenly reverted back to a weaker version of me, but I feel like I may collapse if I have to feel one more drop of pain. Anyone's pain. I'm a sponge, im a goddamn sponge for other people's pain. I don't know why. The people that I get close too, i get this overwhelming sort of empathy or something...I don't know why I am so emotional -  I always have been -  it makes everything much more difficult and for no real reason. I am frequently in an enormous amount of psychic pain and i just really want it to stop and the more people I meet the more pain I feel.

I am not sure what is going to happen next.

over me

well that ended quickly.
and honestly.
 I always end up liking people too much.
He was merciful at least.
I find other people's pain overwhelming and i feel it. i feel it
          i have too much schoolwork to drink but all i want to do is drink.
seriously. xanax and beer.

pretty web of confusion and lies and then shiny sleep

tie me to something pretty

I met another boy. I swear to god i wish i could quite falling in love with people...with their voices and eyelashes and stupid dirty boots and movements of index fingers...



 I know I'm not over the other situation.   

I am terrified of this heart

I miss A.N.

this is chaos

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid.

I am drinking again 

Try to Remember

"For life is the best thing we have in this existence. And if we should desire to believe in something, it should be a beacon within. This beacon being the sun, sea, and sky, our children, our work, our companions and, most simply put, the embodiment of love."
— Patti Smith

So this boy used a battering ram on my vaulted heart until it busted open, and then he got this look of disgust and walked away. Seriously, and im fucking sick and tired and my  doctor just called me in a script to klonipin which i SWORE i would never ever take again but i started school and its overwhelming and im working 40 hours and i am always alone and this city is all concrete and cramped and steel and i tried not to like that guy but he just convinced me that he wanted to like, live with me and know me and "make our own memories together" and could see me having his kids and the whole time i was begging him to not lie to me but he was lying the whole time and the second i believed him he was done with me and i swear to god i have never been used before but now i have and it is quite dreadful and shocking and some part of me believes i deserve better than this and another part of me just wants the poison to sink in faster

Last One

This was written on the wall of one of the abandoned houses I surveyed in NOLA. Squatters had been living there even though it was in deplorable condition.

I see the remnants of desperation in these houses.

So what happened was...

I met a boy and I like him. Right, I know -  its like a total dis to my Spinster librarian dream. I say that lightly -  but seriously I never thought I would do this. Not Again. Anyway I'm not so good at controlling emotions and I wanted this.... so I went with it. Stick around for the break up blog, guys. So I have sort of been in a romance chemical induced haze for 6 weeks. I drove back home and talked to my T about it, and she agreed that chemical X is intense and strong. Dopamine and she named another one. I can't recall. Yes they are strong but are they REAL? You know I am obsessed with the REAL. Anway, I've been busy with some amazing work, as well. I love my job even though I feel like I am on egg shells quite often. So that is where I have been. I hope you have somewhere blissful.

I must go back to do more work now, but does anyone do Tumblr? i just made this:http://stellarscar.tumblr.com/

October 2010 half moon

Too Much Too Dream

St Louis Number One.
I drank again last night and then I fell asleep and my brain churned dreams like mad. I dreamed of the dead. My dead friends. In these dreams, I am always trying to ask them questions.....I never get answers. It doesn't matter. It was good too see them.

Be Here Now

This is my sister and I a couple years ago. At Tybee. So her wedding was this past weekend and it was marvelous and beautiful. I was excited and then on the way back home (8 hour drive) I got really sad about how far away I am from her..and her new family but no matter where I am, I am always far from someone I want to be close to. And...the thing is I still don't feel like I belong anywhere. I know this is a process and a journey and all of that but sometimes i feel like I have been progressing towards something and I am ready to be there. But I can not actually define what the this thing is. Sometimes I feel like if I hurry up and get this done I can go home.  But I don't know what that feeling is really about bc when i am at my parent's house, in the forest I grew up in, I feel as if I am wasting time and I need to be in the real world making some sort of life for myself. But then Im out here and I just feel like a sugar cube dissolving in hot acid. Not that I am particularly sweet but it seems like the best parts of me just keep getting wasted.
And that just seems really unfortunate and I am not sure what to do about it.
Also, at the wedding someone asked me if I had been on a date in this city yet. I haven't been on a date in five years. And i never really thought about it. Then I got bothered by the fact that I have not been bothered by this fact. I don't go out bc no one ever asks and I never met anyone that I wanted to ask. It is very simple. Someone asked me to marry them 8 months ago and I said No because I didn't want to be married. It is very simple.
And of course in reality NOTHING is really ever that simple.
I love history and I have a past doing research on architecture and art. I got this  great job as an architectural historian in an interesting city. Chance of LIFETIME in this drab economy. Im sitting at work today and get this smell like turpentine. I want to cry bc I want to be in the painting lab so bad. THERE IS NO PAINTING LAB ANYMORE. I suddenly think "I hate architecture and I hate history"
Now of course I don't really, but it seems like no matter where I am I feel like i ought to be somewhere else...doing some thing else.
I was about to be an art teacher but I stopped. I stopped. teaching. It was too much. This is better. This has to be better bc it is what i decided to do.
But ART was not something I DID, It was who I was.
and now...i feel like a worker bee in this giant swampy nest of moss and steel and wood and glass. And the sad thing is, the city is quite Old and Slow in terms of lifestyle. I don't know what is wrong with me, I woke in a fairytale and then the inevitable tragic twist and then I got to be me, i guess. I got to be here.