one (finished)

 

So here is the painting i did for Jacob for xmas. I did decide to add hair so Voila!

Here she is finished.

What do you think? Everyone thinks it is one of my happier paintings but i think its kinda creepy.

Orange flowers are my anti-psychotic

So my doctor suggested i get back on the Navane, which is an antipyschotic medication that i take for a myriad of reasons, but it is a very low dose. So i started it and immediately got that weirdest feeling in the world  - that lasted for two days and is still lingering...I thought okay maybe I DONT need this medicine if my body reacts like this. Finally i thought to check the label and it was 2 mg instead of the 1mg or possibly even .5mg that I needed. GAAARGH!!! I know i should have checked my meds when i picked them up but...i just becomes such a habit. . The Doc always wants to give me this higher dose and I can NOT take it. I can level out and be fine on 1 mg but more is NOT merrier in this case. The weird feelings is pretty much that i felt sleepy and antsy at the same time...like my brain and eyes were jumpin around, yes some invisible force was pressing down on me. Lord. Anyway its fading and i will be more careful with that from now on.

So for xmas i did a painting for jacob bc he does not have any of my paintings and has always wanted one. So i gave him this

:

except i added hair at the last minute bc she looked so ......skinned i guess. Anway i was working on it til the last second and then finally i let it go and gave it to him and of course he LOVED it even though i was worried that he would find it creepy. Plus I didnt do as much texture work on this one and he loves that. The thing was, it was an already painted canvas that someone gave me and it had not been gessoed with a lot of layers...I am used to painting on gessoed wood so the canvas was much more absorbent that i was used to. Soaked up my paint..that canvas did.

Oh well. 

At this point I am fairly hung over so Im sure today will be interesting bc I have lots of work to do at the newspaper. And its 7am so its time to go get started.

IN THE TRUNK; Your life is now

My parents cleaned out storage a while back ago and I recovered this trunk. My mom says my sister and i used to keep our toys in it, but in my memory it has ALWAYS been in the Attic. Well now its in my house. i have to work on it a little but wont it look smashing next to my bright green Ikea rug? And by smashing I mean a little random retro color clashed and mashed.  Of course part of me wants to line it with fake grass (astro turf) and put a bust of one of my white tortured goddess figures in it. hmmm...

I wore a rather ridiculous (apparently) hat today and i was totally devastated (okay not really) when the ladies at the Dr.'s office laughed at my hat. They DID. I'm sure of it. Or that may have been the paranoia but.. hmmm  I think they laughed at my hat. Bitches. Well, looking ridiculously wonderful some days can be fun when life feels like a drag. and by drag - let me clarify - i mean going nowhere bc I'm indecisive about EVERYTHING. And overwhelmed by seemingly SMALL decisions.

And lately when i blog in my head..which, let me tell you, is always waaaay better that what i actually blog..it goes back to food and carbs and the economy. How protein is expensive and when i eat Carbs i get depressed and feel fat and slow but they are so cheap. A while back ago Emmy over at Frozen Oranges  blogged about food prices and eds and recovery and the connections and yeah. Yeah it sucks. Bc i would almost rather buy NO food...but i cant so have to buy cheap food which is usually unhealthy. So i try to make myself eat tuna (cheap high protein) and i almost have a psychotic BREAK bc im vegetarian and meat SCARES ME. bad. I feel like a MONSTER when i eat meat. but i think i could eat bugs..like locusts. Maybe. but not fish. and sure as hell NOT A MAMMAL. but all this Carb wheat cracker business has got to stop. Along with my inability to decide...bc there is no time like your life.

i'm my own voodoo doll

This pic is 3 years old, anyway, its about how I feel today -  like a birdPerched on a tiny spot just hangin on

- but I'm not that small anymore but-

the thing is i feel REAL ANXIOUS

bc I'm going to the Dr today, the gyno, bc i got a UTI and my other doc

was like well you need to go the gyno since you haven't been in like 3 years. And it sucks and i'm nervous but even worse i'm like oh my god. They are gonna WEIGH ME. no no nonononono. iI don't want to know Ireallydont. Last time the dr. weighed me i was freaked out for months and all the tastes of everything changed. and i couldnt eat without thinking of horrid things. like rottenfish and ovaries. And Soilent Green

Not that i ever lose weight -  if i eat or not. I have a static concrete immovable metabolism apparently. To even lose 5 lbs i was jogging  5miles and eating nil.Daily. For months. Anyway. God. Enougha that shit. Why am i even bloggin i have way toooo much workas in real work bc I'm ATWORK and there is a tornado warning and the sirens are going off and i feel way too full and my heart is pounding and and and

The Humidity down here is insane and I think it may be affecting my mental health.

The Voodoo down here is os thick i think it may be affecting my spiritual health

The spirits down here are so thick they are affecting  my voodoo

i cant get sick or well

The Sun is a Star. I'm neither Sick Nor Well.

The Sun is a Star. I had this theory when i was sickest that my life would be a ton better if i could just photosynthesize food like a plant. Just go out in the sun and that would be nourishment.

No chewing, No swallowing... No appetite. 

i have no idea how much i weigh.

It is horrifying, really considering that at one point

i TOOK MY SCALE WITH ME if i stayed overnight any where.  I just had to know. i HAD to.

and then when i had my gallbladder removed they weighed me on the medical scale and i totally lost it bc i realized MY scale had been wrong.

and later i was sharing this horror with my therapist and acknowledging the fact that i TOTALLY KNOW NUMBERS ON A SCALE MEAN NOTHING in the grand scheme things and she pointed out that I was strapped to a hospital bed getting anethesia and about to have an organ removed and all I cared about was my weight.  about 7 lbs of it. And i said yes. Yes i was. And i know that is sad. 

And i lost some weight after that. i mean the number was too big and i could not deal with it. but i stayed in my realm of safety. i have no idea how sick or recovered i am or ever was. i toppled from ana into ednos real quick. i know that i have screwed up my metabolism to the point that my body holds onto weight really easy and i can gain 5 lbs in a week. But  my therapist doesn't want to hear this, she never says anything about it. ..or the numbers and she NEVER weighs me. ever. And i think she is a genius for it bc she knows that is part of the game and she does not participate at all. The shrink hates that the therapist doesn't weigh me. She doesn't get it. She goes by charts and milligrams of medicines and numbers and statistics. My therapist doesn't discuss that. She will discuss Magical Thinking. And WHY the numbers are important to me. But what the DSM says is sick or well...we don't talk about it. And i want to...in a bad way. a measure, label, count and compare way. She is a smart woman. 

I have told her before that i truly believe I would have never ever gotten better if i had gone to a REAL treatment center. I think she agrees. Louisiana is a poor state and my parents got me the best treatment in the area and that was a stay in a pysch ward with a patchwork network of specialists..not an ED WARD. There was one down further south but we decided against it for the time being. It was really far and i responded well to the "treatment"

But if i had met a real live person AT THAT TIME, that was ana ...it may have been more of an affirmation...something to bond over. Competition is a bad thing to me. always. i hate it. and i avoid it. but in the ED world  - its warped and backward and things that would not mean anything in real life suddenly MEAN A LOT. i know that much....

I had a nutritionist but i didn't really listen to her. I got super medicated, too...but mostly i wanted to go home and get away from all those people. God. My Social Anxiety almost trumped the ED. As in , i ll eat anything you say if you let me go back home hide out and not have to see these people.

and i got better. i did. i got medicated and i got some friends and replaced the e.d. with other vices and then i went back to the e.d. But now, i keep my weight at a point that is healthy enough so that i can be strong enough for my family and not scare the hell out of them and sometimes i go thru the things i have eaten in my head and i have no clue if it is too much or too little or whatever..unless i have a chart. i have no intuitive eating skills anymore. i obliterated them. BUT! People always say you cant get better for anyone other than yourself...you have to do it for YOU. I disagree. I only got better for my family. I still ONLY STAY WEll for my family. If it were not for them i would most definitely be at an evil weight. and by evil i mean a weight that would finally, in the end, kill me. I discussed this with my Gypsy (that is, therapist) She said you are a fighter..and i said yes but only bc i had a lil sister to take care of. I mean really. At some points i would chew, chew, chew and swallow only for them. Swallowing past a lump in my throat and a racing panicked mind. I am terrified of a lot of foods. a lot. Martyr much? maybe. But I don't REMIND them of it and and they don't know. and that is fine. 

i am very lucky.. (or on the other side of the ED fence UNLUCKY) to have a hell of a resilient body. Tough as nails. Slow metabolism and Big Strong Bones. Genetically Fit. As in, it is very easy to hide a restricted diet and over zealous exercise routine. No one would suspect. I appear to be naturally thin. Im not. I am supposed to be about 20 lbs heavier.  Or i was. it is all screwed up now and i am already thirty. Well whatever. Recovery has become a lifestyle. but not RecoveRED. just recoverY.

what i hate the most is the giant discrepancy of weight charts and the BMI bullshit routine.

Some charts i'm ill, some charts i'm well.

I've been told not to pay attention to the chart in my head.

Headless angel with broken wings

That headless angel she follows me.

She wants to rescue me.

I don't trust her.

Yesterday's post was a bit of an emotional outburst.. I wanted to delete it but I think I'll keep it around...No sense in ruining my record of "Too Much Information So Now It's Awkward"

Comments.

I love comments and I love reading other blogs but I often get afraid to comment. It is silly, really but makes sense -  social anxiety on the internet. Anonymity does not cover the fact that what you say write may be really really dumb.

i get cyberstage fright.

And then there behind me is this headless angel whispering that it is okay.

but I don't trust her...so i take a pill.

The Goddess & The Bible

So when i went to my parent's house for Thanksgiving i gathered up some sketchbooks and an assortment of pens and pencils and when i got there and unloaded my car i could not find my art supplies..of course i had forgotten them.So after searching high and low ..to no avail.. for drawing paper i thought Voila! i will just draw on a brown paper bag with a ball point pen. And i did. and I got three drawings that i kind of like even though i was extremely frustrated that i forgot my sketchbook BC I FORGET EVERYTHING or lose it bc i am soooo scatterbrained and when i was a kid it was funny but as an adult it is annoying(..and embarrasing) and so i was going to take pics of these drawing and blog them with an accompanying text about MENTAL ILLNESS and recovery but NOW I CANT FIND MY CAMERA BATTERY so i cant take pictures of these drawings and it seems like i have these RANDOM spurts of manic ADD where i just lose and forget everything and nothing gets accomplished and i get very INC0-Her- ent.

So this photograph is of a goddess sculpture i made out of sculpty a million years ago and i don't think she ever really got finished but..maybe she should read the Old Testament.That may finish her. hee hee. The bible actually, i drew on every page...graffiti style... i drew and wrote about feminism on every page. (maybe i will photograph those later.. i'm sure ill find my batt charger, like, in my SHOE or something next tuesday at 7am when i totally do NOT need it.) Feminism and Christianity is something had a hard time making sense out of when i was a kid and i think i identified with the christ thing of SUFFERING  way to much and sometimes I think the Eating Disorder played into the Martyr role and it got tangled up with that.

as if you could redeem something or someone or even YOURSELF by suffering.

Holy Anorexia is a book about that but i never read it. Sometimes i want to poke around in books on the subject and sometimes i want to turn my head...

turn it into the soil

the earth mother goddess and moon light

and just forget all of these complicated things...

Thanksgiving day i fed the cows with my dad. I got to feed them pellets by hand and i got cow slobber all over me and it made me laugh and it made me feel so happy.

I have a lot to be thankful for

moo

SOLO

I got up early this morning so I could paint before work. Last night, i started painting but ended up fixin a drink of Southern Comfort and that just made me sleepy so i ended up crashing before i got much done. I'm STOPPING THAT RIGHT NOW.  (and by THAT i mean drinking when i should be working) I did this, though, and i am happy with it. When I first got back from Tulsa is when I  started it; However, last night I got her to a final resting place. Now she's done..Now she's dead..Now she's just been born. My "Solo" -  2. a performance in which the performer has no partner or associate; something undertaken or done alone..from Websters. Yes. Some Things Must Be Done SOlO.

Blogability...

i don't think i have it. Blogability that is. ..Not that i will stop but i am not so good with words or maintaining a coherent train of thought. I am enjoying blogging, though, bc written words AND PICTURES are so much more conducive to the way i EXPRESS things..than the SPOKEN world. But, alas, i am no writer. Plus I'm not sure what i wanted this blog to be. I originally set it up so i could vent about the  media, mental illness,eating disorder issues and the more "real" meaning of my art without divulging to much info on myspace. I suppose i wanted to spare my friends the more nasty parts of my reality. Then i started reading other mental illness/eating disorder blogs and i found that to be helpful however,i didn't want this blog to just be about THAT. It is true that I struggle with things of that nature, but that is by no means all that I am or that I want to share with people.  Anyway, I found some common bonds with other bloggers and i enjoy getting outraged with the people over at Mamavision but one thing i have noticed is that my food issues are most certainly NOT about vanity and I would never in a million years judge another person based on my own food weirdness. (I don't even really judge meat-eaters and I am veg) I read a review of the movie Disfigured (I posted about it earlier) and i was kind of horrified to learn that the anorexic chick totally insults other women's bodies and that is a stereotype that i hate - the stereotype that "not eating" is about vanity and being thinner than anyone else. It ISN'T - not for me. Bc I rarely think about other peoples bodies and generally I am attracted to women who have healthy bodies...I'm not saying that body image has nothing to do with it or that it is totally about control but when i feel super Anxious or depressed or out of control the first thing I want to do is restrict food in the same way a stressed out former alcoholic may want to reach for the bourbon or what have you. And one way i deal with that, now that i am much healthier (and have a kick ass therapist) is through ART and PHOTOGRAPHY.  And that is one reason for this blog. However i reserve the right to blog about silly awesome goodwill finds and the cutest little thing my dog does...

Halston dress

Halston
So we were in Goodwill and as usual Kylee found me this AWESOME thing. It is a Halston dress, who was, apparently, this real famous designer in the 70s, responsible for the drapey disco dress look. So the dress and the fabric and the COLOR are insanely fabulous but i dont know if "drapey" is really the right look for me. ahem. insert joke about me here, (okay well if ya'll want do it, ill ask my lil sista. she is full of them) Anyway i felt like someone needed to bring me a drink and some qualuddes wearing this dress. I need some gold platforms and my fantasy will be complete. But seriously check out my beginner photoshop skills.

Personality! ISFP or INFP?

hmmm
I am

Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving

( i love that mine is written by a guy named joe BUTT)

I am
very expressed introvert
slightly expressed sensing personality
distinctively expressed feeling personality
very expressed perceiving personality

hmm okay.
but one time i got Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving


What are you?!
Wait what am i?

and here is last night's drawing

someone said, Oh a dead mermaid and my first though was No she's not DEAD and then i looked at her and i was like oh. well i see why you would think that but she isnt dead.
death is like her disguise.
or something.
i guess.

Bitch, we've got a problem

so this drawing of mine was on my myspace someone commented that even my bones look painful.
Yes,most of my art does convey pain, even wheni dont mean for it to. Drawing is painful - for my brain and my fingers.

I have had people demand that my art be taken out of the gallery bc it is tasteless, i have had some nasty comments left in sign books (you need to find god! Bad art - depressing!) I have had a person so touched by my paintings that they left the studio in tears. I had an elderly black woman grab my wrist and say lovingly - "this is beautiful you see dont you?" I had the Dept Head at a University tell me i had no talent and no skill. I had a professor tell me i made the most genuine art he had seen years and would i like to teach an adjunct class at the college.

I guess what im saying is that i know i should take most comments "with a grain of salt" and weigh constructive criticism and all of that. But sometimes, bc my art is so personal and painful, i get really angry about the "tasteless" and "gory" comments.

Art is about TRUTH to me, the art i like to see and the art i make. I can appreciate a person who can accurately render a figure or what have you...Really I can appreciate all kinds of art and let it be what it is without making a huge judgement based on MY personal experience. i admire that each piece of art tells a story, a story very different from mine. I just grow weary of art and media and advertising that glorifies the priveleged experience of thin white women in expensive clothes that look hip and drink 14 dollar coffee. Or at least i grow weary of hearing that that is real art and my decomposing figures are tacky.

No, what is tacky is the education system in the state that i live in and the ignorance that results. What is tacky is the civilian body count in Iraq and the helpless faces of refugees leaving afghanistan right before USA headed in there. Self induced abortions and self injury and the real face of eating disorders (not the glossed over diamond encrusted made up models)..are the things that I make art about. Is it pretty? um..NO. What is pretty?

I try to include, whether by color or by flowers or insects a message of HOPE in my art work,bc i do believe in recovery and healing and redemption,but i refuse to make art (just so i can SELL IT)based on false hope and lies. The world can be brutal place and to ignore that to paint water lillies or cute children is not honest for me. It is not an OPTION for me. (Although of course, i can appreciate the message and vision of a person who finds peace in painting landscapes in calming hues. Actually on of my best friends does just that.)

Maybe i am too sensitive to the horror of planet earth, and maybe i always have been. When i was growing up, in my safe childhood in a big house out in the country, i was very aware that there was a famine in ethiopia, Russia could nuke us at any moment and sometimes animals on our farm died horrid deaths for no reason. A dog could rip a cute baby possum to shreds in minutes and the Challenger could explode over the earth. I also knew about Van Gogh and Magritte and Maplethorpe. Basquait and Grimm's Fairy Tales. I bring all this to the studio right before i clear my head and paint white over everthing, tostart anew.

Asking to be understood is a huge risk, asking to be understood by people you actually WANT to understand is a bigger risk. Believing that you have a right to speak up, just like everyone else, is just a given for some people. Some of us spent years learning to believe that.

The Anxiety Series

so i was working on my resume and before i really even got into it
i went bought beer and cigarettes and then, of course could not finish it.
next night, same game. self medicating=self destructive for me
my avoidant personality prevailed
i don't want it to, though. i don't want to be a slave to ANXIETY
and the refusal to BELIEVE in myself..that nasty voice we all know.

Anxiety plays into EDs in a huge way, of course.
and the more anxious i am, the less i can eat
and the less i can eat, the more i LIKE the hunger i feel
and the more i feel propelled by it.NOT GOOD.

And jogging helps with the anxiety and the depression
but lord, i have to balance that too.
my therapist said yes, one mile is okay, five miles is NOT OKAY.
yes, yes i can handle that. Balance.

the other day i was drawing and the Negative came on
i asked myself Why I Do This Art
it is useless and i have no passion
another part of me answered - THERE IS NO OTHER PASSION
and the Negative conceded..and crawled away
but not before whispering that i can feel that way
about the Hunger, too.

thats fine. I am a crafty witch. I will balance this between sick and well
gotta stay focused and positive..healthy and alive.
I may ask for help with this resume business, though.
fighting the internal demons and the external ones at the same time
can be overwhelming.
I will choose to apply But There Is No Other Passion
to a passion for Living, not dying and not self destructing
so help me goddesssss

Im back

So im back from vacation and everything is still spinning it seems like.

I've been busy painting since ive been back and sleeping and not catching up on blogs or news, and the whole time i was away i rarely got online.

Kelly, at Small Town Baby Productions got her webisode up while i was away and i am on it talkng about my art. Its funny bc i got in teacher mode and waved my hand around a lot. I kinda love that i do that bc i love how it feels like i am really EXPLAINING if i act it out. hee hee. Anway she said she had some trouble with production and sound quality but here it is:

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Kelly is a sweet, energetic girl, she wants to do travel journalism and she is NOT receiving much support from the community. we had a lot of fun filming, though and ellie is in the video!!

i dont always understand myself or what i paint or draw.

"dont trust a heart so bent it can't break"

Refusal to Fly

wings2, originally uploaded by Cedar Star.

i sketched this a few weeks ago back. I really like using ink pens, esp if i am anxious. All the sribbley/sritchy motion is soothing.
Anyway the idea is that your wings can be burden..the Power to Refuse is something i am very familiar with. The thing that can lift you higher or take you away may also be very painful and HEAVY.
I also imagine people in cages sometimes. Their own little psychic cages that surround them...It may be easier to be trapped if you don't have wings in the first place. I feel like this picture, also, means whatever the person viewing it thinks it means. I find it difficult to connect pictures to words. Also,the meaning can be fluid, and change with moods. Mine and yours..But I have an immense desire to communicate so i want to overcome whatever language barriers, real or imagined...are there.
Another reason i find explaining images hard is because the picture is just ONE PANEL IN A STORY. Maybe one day i can gather them up. and have a whole story.

october

so on of my myspace friends is doing webisodes about our small town of Natchitoches and she asked if i would be the featured artist for October (the coolest month) i agreed & she came over and arranged my paintings like this and had me talk about the. The slideshow is up now and i guess the parts with me talking will be up soon. Its here. i left my paintings like that. I guess if all else fails one day i could build a house of them. heh.

I worked at the paper for 11 and a half hours today. It was so busy. Thank god for overtime. Ellie was certainly happy when i got home

ellie.

Chaplains Lake in the fog

Foggy Morning3, originally uploaded by Cedar Star.

Yesterday morning, on my way to work, I stopped by NSU campus and went walking on the path by Chaplains lake. The fog was pretty thick in places, and in others it looked like fading ghosts. I was standing on a little foot bridge when i took this picture and i liked how the cypress and Magnolia framed the lake. I wanted to jog on forever but i had to get to work...

Skull Caps & Dog Moms

Okay here is me and the tattoo hat and the infamous ELEANOR. This was an adventurous walk bc we decided to explore a place we had not been, a place off the trail that had just been mowed. We were tearing through the grass when i hear a Yelp and immediately spin around to check on my dog. She is froze in mid-step with her paw in the air staring dead at me. I call her, but she whimpers. I go to her and discover she has a million sticker balls in her fur and several stuck deep in the pads of her her paws. When i squat down i get stuck  in the butt by a million more sticker balls that are covering my pants leg. I said uh oh LE, we got in the bramble patch. So packed her out of that little field and then removed the thorns. She cried and my fingers BLED!! We got in a BAD briar batch.  But then i was the dog-mom hero in a tattoo your skull hat. I love the skull bc she has RED RIBBONS in her hair. i mean it's a b/w white photo but the ribbons are RED. and they are in her..well..not hair but..you know. And speaking of another awesome dog mom

here is my REAL moma

  This is how she spends sunday afternoons. Lounging with dogs. They kept kissin her face, so she pulled her hood up, but then they tried to pull it off to kiss her some more. Except for Mopsy, the grey one, the just really really wanted to lay on  my moms belly but she kept falling off. Epitome of cuteness.

And to continue in that theme, here is the badass Amanda Barron, who is doing makeup for widepread panic's halloween show in nola, with her badass dog EDGAR Von Barron. Yay for dog moms.

 

dork

I am a dork for a lot of reasons..one of which is the hat ibought today, a cap really... That says tattoo your soul. that makes no sense, i know, but really i thought it said tattoo your SKULL bc it has a skull on it. But anyway i like hats so there. And i wore my cap on my jog to keep my hair outta my face and the sun outta my eyes. i ran a long way, i'm excited that i can run for longer than ever before..it feels so good i get lost in this zone. i am dork also for emailing random people on the internet that have blogs. Or is that even normal? that might be normal. i am so socially akward i dont even know how to act online. In my defense, I have been under the influence of antihistamines and various assortment of cold medicines this entire week. I feel better but still sick and sore. Of course i cant miss work at all bc i'm saving my vacay for Tulsa the end of the month. So Im sick but Im trying not to think about it.

I have way too much to think about all the time, it never stops, and sometimes i just wish i could write it all down and sort it all out but.. i never have the TIME bc my head keeps on going. Same with paintings i just get new ideas and want to start a new one despite the fact that i have several unfinished and then they never get finished. So i start a focused post in my head and it never gets written down correctly and thats why i cant go back to graduate school. Bc you cant just walk up with an armful of 40 paintings and 50 cryptic poems to EXPLAIN them. You have to lay it all out in order and i think i hate order. Or at least i cant MAKE it. Usually i LOSE half of everything before I even get where i'm going though. I lost my keys at the vet today. I lost my phone, too but i found it quickly unlike the usual 3 day scavenger hunt with no clues. i hate those. Anway, even though i wont be going to school for an MFA anytime soon or ever i still think i should attempt to write organized thoughts about my paintings. and this is a good place to do it bc its all secret in a tiny corner of the interwebs. and with that thought ive got to go brush my teeth

P1010711

P1010711
Originally uploaded by Cedar Star

Zarco Guerrero's wooden skull carving. On exhibit at NSU for Dia de los Muertos

Eleanor Brooke

so in an effort to not, or at least to interrupt, the endless body image/weight/food nonsense i will think about one of the most fulfilling things in my life right now and that is lil Ellie B. Yesterday on our walk we chased a bunny. She saw it and I saw it and i knew she was about to take off so i went with her. Bunny got away. Chasing bunnies is super fun. Then Ellie wonderdog came trudging up the hill behind me (she has a super long retractable leash) very verrry slowly. i kept calling her but she was in granny mode. Somethings not right, thought I. So i checked her paw and it turned out she had a huge briar with super sharp thorns stretching from one front leg (arm?) across her chest and to the other leg! poor ting! i got it out but it hurt her and my fingers and she even yelped. (i didnt) when i let her go she took off like a rocket after her uncle Randy (my walkin buddy) and we jogged the whole rest of the way back. So I thought after all that running El would certainly be tired and sleep all night. NOT SO. Miss prissy pants decided that she was mad I went to bed so early (i have a cold) and so she decided to play her favorite game: TEAR UP. So i woke up this morning to survey the damage..one brown shoe had the buckle strap chewed off..not too bad...i vaguely remember her rooting around in between asking to go outside five times FOR NO REASON..and i was afraid there would be more destruction. Well. at lunch time when i came home to chill with Ellie i saw that she had THREW UP HER COLLAR. HER CUTE LIT GREEN IKEA COLLAR WITH THE WHITE DAISIES ON IT. So i went to my room and dug around and found the buckle to it and the end with holes. I hope to god that she threw up the rest of it outside somewhere bc i would hate to blog about Eleanor's Bowel Obstruction surgery. She is acting fine, though so maybe she is okay. I will be on poop patrol i guess to make sure she goes. god. i cant believe she ATE IT. it was leather. Maybe she thought it was like rawhide. This so makes me worry about what else she might eat. Lil crazy dog. Lil smart crazy dog. sometimes it seems like she is an alien in a puppy suit.

healthy healthy healthy

my back a few years ago with my dearly beloved tattoo

i am only five feet and five inches tall. that blows, really.

wish i was taller.

blah blah blah

this is a vessel

but i cant live wihtout i dont believe

i dont believe i exist w/out a body but i used to think otherwise

ink it carve it starve it

but it keeps changing and it can be

so startling

this vessel.

can break down.

but what amazes me is

the strength

to lift pull run

push out a freakin kid

i kinda never asked for that

thanks god or nature or what have you

this vessel can feel like a cage

a cage i want out of

drowning in flesh i feel i am

Zero

Ive been poking around on ED blogs, I

don't think its bad bc they are mostly recovery blogs but...

sometimes it makes me feel tired.

ED doesn't work for me like most people, it seems. I don't even know that my diagnosis was ever correct. 

Maybe bc I m older now and its been so long

but like, i think I've ruined my metobolism.

So i bought some trashy mag with emaciated celebs on it (i did a painting from it, so,yes, i put it to good use) and the odd thing is, when i saw the cover - i was drawn to it, yes - but i asked myself - Do I miss being that skinny? and I promptly answered myself - No, i miss being that hungry. I miss being that empty. So when i saw my gypsy (therapist) she had me elaborate on the hunger thing. But all i could think was

Emptiness is loneliness

and loneliness is cleanliness

and cleanliness is godliness

and god is empty, just like me

-zero, smashing pumpkins

weight of the world

Whatcha weigh? Whatcha worth?

just one fix

my dead butterfly heart

What is normal eating? (a

(a bargain with the devil - me)

real answer:

"...a healthy relationship with food means eating in response to physical hunger most of the time. However, normal eating can also include experiences such as eating occasionally because something looks good, eating past fullness at a special meal, eating in response to an emotion once in a while or choosing foods based on nutritional content because this feels care taking. Attuned eating means that eating for satisfaction is predominant, and experiencing deprivation is virtually non-existent. Attuned eating is a natural skill. It can be relearned by people who have lost touch with their hunger and can be reinforced and nurtured in children so that they maintain this healthy relationship with food throughout their lives."


Matz, J. and Frankel, E. (2004). Beyond a shadow of a diet: The therapist's guide to treating compulsive eating. New York: Brunner-Routledge
!!!!! ..."and experiencing deprivation is virtually non-existent"

wow. my entire diet is based on deprivation. even though i am appear to be, and really am, at a healthy weight.

my thpst. has guided me toward meeting needs. basic needs.
Would you deprive another person?
Why do you treat yourself that way?

i suggested to a friend that he imagine saying some of the hateful things he said to himself to another person, his child for instance. He looked shocked and said, "i never thought of it that way"

My sister told me some things that she did to herself when she was little.
i wanted to cry! I said, "but if someone else had done that to you, it would be considered torture! I would have wanted to kill them!! She said she still didn't know why she did it.
I deprive myself now, but when i was fourteen years old i literally starved myself for a year.
Now, at thirty, I combat this behavior and more importantly, I combat the underlying reasons.
I would never starve a fourteen year old innocent child.
At fourteen, i would have never harmed another human being.
But sometimes, when i do it now, and when i idid it then, it was as if i was torturing, starving, hurting..a demon or some awful thing that was inside me. It didnt ALWAYS feel as if it were somthing that i was doing to myself.
Sometimes it felt as if the "torture" was something that a "devil woman" or "witch" was doing it to me.
As if i was NOT the only entitiy in my head.
And i believe that religion is a really good explanation as to why thinking another entity could inhabit your head or body and make you do/deserve things.
Believingin angels/demons/heaven/hell is normal its not mental illness.
Believing that a devil has a doll of you, and is torturing it to make you do something is mental illness, not religion.
but sometimes its real hard for me to tell the difference, especially when i look back at the things i felt and thought as a child/adolescent.
So i try not to really think about it anymore but i do kind of fear falling back into that way of thinking.
i focus on controlling actions as far as being good to myself and everything.
but i really and truly have no idea how to eat normally. my existence is based on deprivation.
even though i maintain a healthy wieght now and do not appear to be deprived.
i am bargaining with the devil.

saa hold ellie

saa hold ellie
Originally uploaded by angel in the dope smoke

So. here are the new boots? keep? or no? And here is Ellie. Keep? yeah..i think so. ill keep her

eclipse this

painting
Originally uploaded by angel in the dope smoke

i have so much work to do today
god i love green tea
Patchouli is the best smell
i like how my puppy's ears smell
shoes are so much fun i just got some
earth shoes so i can
burn more calories with every step*
reading about incantations made my heart beat faster.
to speak a gods name...to Invoke.
Well i tried to eat tuna but dear god...it's crazy-awful
i need a low calorie high lean protein source that DOES NOT involve a
dead animal
why do i love peeling/picking skin???
i love when bright eyes says
"looking skinny like a model with yr eyes all painted black
you keep goin' to the bathroom always say yu'll be right back
well it takes one to know one kid i think you've got it bad"
well here is a painting but i never paint this way
i did this to prove something
and i probably didn't but oh well
the past two mornings i woke up at 4:44 with
the night unraveling all around me

wings/burden

I live with an animal

Red Mange looks like this


and now..so does ellie. (That, however, is not Ellie)

i noticed it yesterday, that the skin around her eye was pinkish red and puffy
so i took her to the vet this morning.

The vet took a razor blade and scraped the skin, then put the flakes under the microscope. The cool thing is the Vet let me look at the parasite through the microscope.

It was pretty amazing. Looked sorta like this


Apparently there are two types of mange, one is basically scabies and can be contagious. That is SARCOPTIC MANGE.
Red Mange is Demo..ic mange, and dogs that get it have a genetic disposition to it.
It is not contagious. And that is what Eleanor has.

So she is getting dipped at the vet right now and then I will have to
give her medicine daily for two weeks.

Oh, by the way, if anyone ever heard that dipping your dog in motor oil treats mange,
everything i read explicitly said NEVER DO THIS. EVER. I never heard of it but people do crazy-awful things to their dogs, even when they think they are helping. Coating an animal in motor oil can KILL IT.

oh by the way, here is a sarcoptic mange paraiste.
they are kin to spiders

Devil I Don't Know

"For human beings are not so constituted that they can live without expansion. If they do not get it one way, they must another, or perish."

--Margaret Fuller, Woman in the Nineteenth Century

all i wanna blog about is food. Insanity. Well, no i am bloggin about Sarah Palin but even thinking about her leads me all the way around to MY BODY. then to food. then to my body.
DAMMIT LADY DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY UTERUS.
my reproductive organs are mine - HANDS OFF. The power that comes with the female reproductive system belongs to its owner and thats all. Not the State.
And having said system has been a great cause of lament for me and DENYING THAT SYSTEM was a huge part of my ED. I hated the idea of growing up and everything that entailed and i hated the idea of my body taking up more space
and i hated hated hated hated the (male) attention it got so i made it go away. Three Times.
Katherine Anne Porter, described it well in her short story Old Mortality. The Victorian GREENSICK-ness.
Oh, the Greensick Girls.
To reject the life you are being offered...to just REFUSE.
The power to refuse is a strong one, esp when you have no other power, or at least imagine that you dont.
So ...you just opt out.
Fade Away..Bones...Dust.
Its a lie, though.
Its not so easy to Fade when People keep demanding to SEE you in Flesh.

The bad thing about cultivating a life long relationship with mental illness is getting so much better that you
decide you were never mentally ill the first place.

And maybe those things you were doing, and have been fighting against were not really ever harmful AT ALL.
Pain becomes comforting bc it becomes FAMILIAR
A person goes back to destructive behavior bc the Devil you KNOW is sometimes
much less frightful than the
Devil I Don't Know
and living for something outside of a small shell that i made
is the devil i don't know
and the brutal beast inside the shell with me,
Well. He may quiet down at times (months) only to rage up unexpected and brutal with all kinds of tricks..
but i know him well
and i've know him a long time.

The Feel The Fear book said that he first thing you should know about fear is that it never goes away.
(Dr. Susan Jeffers)

That is a good book but it is, so far, about rational fear.
How do i confront the fear of food that results from the (psychotic? neurotic) sensation that my body is out of control and growing increasingly and alarmingly HUGER BY THE MINUTE and i can FEEL THE PRESSURE of the empty space AROUND me PRESSING in and I CANT BREATHE.
What the hell IS THAT?
and then the numbers don't make sense with the mirror or the calories.
the scales are wrong ALL OVER THE PLACE. and my metabolism is all jacked up. and the numbers..the scales lie.
and yeah yeah it shouldn't matter. and long time ago it didn't. as long as i was real hungry fuck a number
but in the realm of recovery it DOES matter bc i need a marker. bc i feel like if i don't have the control i don't have anything
and is one tiny CORRECT ACCURATE number too much to ask?

I need a number to put on it to say yes this size shape body is mine
it is no one else's. It is and was never HIS or HERS or anyone's regardless of what happened. and this body most
certainly does not belong to the trucker or the cat-caller or the doctor or guy at the bar i was ignoring or
the guy who looked up my shirt in 7th grade or the fashion designer or my ex or the criminal or the god damn government.
including Sarah Palin and her anti-choice anti birth control fuckwit agenda.

When we measure, we meet

So right now im really really angry about Sarah Palin but i cant even speak of it.
We made it through the hurricane fairly unscathed and by WE i mean LOUISIANA. Im sure there was damage but jesus we were really bracing for something more like katrina. It felt like the whole state was holding its breath. And today we exhaled and everybody starts going back to their lives and im wearing galoshes. Bc really, i live in a mud hole. and i dont mind.

and im obsessed with scales. Not the ones on my skin or maybe my eyes. rose colored scales to look through.
no, not those - the ones that measure. And it didn't start out that way (weigh?) but thats how it ended up and i just really
want something reliable, you know, a number.
i hate numbers.
i hate bank accounts and dates and times and weights and measures. i hate adding and subtracting and MOST OF ALL IHATE LONG DIVISION. long division = anxiety. well. numbers =anxiety whether is is bc i cant remember what day it is or what TIME it is (thank god for digital) or to carry the one.
but there were some numbers
on a scale..some scales
showed me some numbers that i liked
and they made me feel good.

and one time the therapist asked what it felt like. I said good.
I mean GOOD. like ecstasy. like BLISS. like JOY
AND NOTHING ELSE HAS EVER FELT THAT GOOD IN MY WHOLE LIFE
except maybe drugs. like maybe twice.
Sorry i'm a doll that got wired wrong.
pleasure and pain and needs and denial got all crossed up.
i wish i could find some way to balance being sick with being well.
balance a number and a scale
um get re-wired.

im a martyr for my love for you
i hate the place where vanity meets ED
and even if it doesn't meet inside you
somewhere on the outside, where people don't understand
they just assume
and the thing is,
your body is just your tool, but it is a tool like none other
bc in the context of EVERYTHING
in America
a
female body is a very prized tool.
esp a weakened, yet sexy one.
so i post this picture.
god i love that picture.

Red River

Me and Ellie at Red River
I took off my shoes and ran a while.
She didnt want to run in the water, though.

Collage

Here is a collage i made for a cd cover for a friend. It is some found photographs, my photographs and some of my paintings.
Like a quilt, little scraps, its just a glimpse of a little life...

Bang! Bang!

So got new hair. Kinda makes me feel panicky though. Never had bangs before. I'm just afraid it makes my face look fat. i always worry about fat and i just ascribe some arbitrary meaning to it, though. Anyway I'm weird about my hair. I have always hated having it cut. its part of me, dammit! There is energy in there! My DNA, anyway! Literally i feel panicky. like Im losing something i cant ever get back. Hair. So i dreamed i went to this shack type house in some city - it was like a group home with lots of old guys and in a back room and there were piles of hair everywhere and it felt really bad, like i shouldn't look. The lady that ran place was angry at me for looking. I think they were selling their hair as wigs or something. But i didn't know if there was scalps in there, too.
Still reading the Carl Jung compilation book.
Still don't understand dreams or subconcious. Working on it. But the basic tenant is that there are no real fundamantel SYMBOLS for everyone - just meanings. so your symbols can really on be interpreted by you. Everyone may have a meaning for freedom; Horses don't equal freedom for everyone, for example. Anyway i feel sick. What was this about? Hair? Yes. i got new hair. Do you like it?