Gypsy Rose Tattoo

is one of two characters i made up on the way to work one day.
I write stories about them in my head ALOT. Probably too much bc this is real life, right? andin real life
you work at a desk.
whatever. ive got to pay bills right?
so anyway here is bit about Gypsy that begins from a rant about a girl who stole very precious gems from me:


You didn't have to steal. you could have asked. I would have probably given it to you.
but now, you have made yourself into a thief... and you appear...
positively spineless.
with a personality disorder.
oh well.

we were evaluating your progress and you fail.
When did i get made Queen? um.. just last week.

i have a walking skeleton on one side and the other...well, that is the white witch.
i would stay away from her..if i were you.

doe eyes.
stained lips.
i could easily slip a blade right near the jugular... yours...hmmm or mine

but i dont destroy people that way.
i, in fact, dont want to destroy anyone at all.
i want them all to stay away from me
except for the dolls i made and the two or three i will have over for tea

but if you do break into my house at night to steal my words - or my breath
i
sleep beside
a blue steel .45

I can peel my skin off.
i can make none of it matter.
i can roll my eyes backwards and become 85
turn you to dust.

i practiced for hours.
"you are insane and you eat spiders."
she walked away.

hmmm 2004 im an actress now. a really good one. im acting in bed, im acting at the dinner table im acting in class and at work and even when im alone im acting.
i brush my teeth comb my hair
pretending to care at all that i breathe.

Her name is Gypsy Rose Tattoo. She hates her name and she hates her face. She draws
careful pictures off all the bad things she wont allow herself to do.
she paints the ceiling red at 15 and begins hoarding baby food jars.
filling them with insects
"my trains of thoughts are insects..marching in a row..marching across my mind stomp
stomp. stomp". she holds her head.
in her hands.
her daddy plays in a rock band. she smokes pot in the basment and listens to his old records.
She moves away right after high school wanders around barefoot for a long time.
in the grimy city
near the dirty shore
foamy waves lick her pale ankles
i want to see the red skynow im ready for the red sky
she falls backwards into the waves into the rocks

the people who love me

"you should be careful what you blog about," said one of the people that love me. "You should not make yourself....vulunerable."
Am I? I didn't know that i was...well maybe i did. Maybe I didn't care. hmm
the conversation stayed with me. rolling over and over in my head.
Why did i start playing with words again anyway? When did I?

Well nothing i say is THAT personal..nothing i wouldnt say in real life. I spoke about my E.D. to a room full of strangers on TWO occasions. I randomly confess sins in everyday conversations and quickly bite my lip.
See there are boundaries...

oh yes i always had trouble with those.
"Well you never know what someone may use against you...."
and that was very good advice. People are crazy...no one will walk up and introduce them self like "hello i am your internet stalker..." A stealth sneak attack? years in the future maybe? when i have long forgotten that i blogged all those blood clots...
maybe.

Part of me wanted to say...the things in my blog are hardly secrets and they are hardly weakness...If you think they are then i should never show you my real face!! These things are just conversations at the watercooler..little red herrings swimming about..

2007. i'm waving my arms about in a classroom. i'm painting the air with an imaginary brush and rambling to my class about the "personal energy blah blah in movements that you infuse into your painting...into your pallette. The vigourous way you mix the paint the repetive motion of applying it to the canvas..brush strokes...this is an impressionist technique right here, but you find your OWN style you see..." How much of ME did i give them? Well it doesn't matter anyway bc they were not paying attention. I got a small check and bought art supplies with it.

"I didnt know i loved you til i saw you paint. Then i knew"
"well" i replied. "i'm not painting, i'm conversing with the dead."

the unwritten story

Everytime i have myself almost convinced that i can live in a loveless medicated half life some one shows up to remind me that i used to believe in something.

she said love me and let me go
she said love me and let me live
im just not finished yet...some stories just remain unwritten, right?
some pictures just remain unfinished.

I asked him about it ..how he dealt with loss. He said, 'look really,..you know what i do? i just try not to remember okay. i dont want to remember...even your good memories are just reminders of what you don't have anymore. just shove it all down deep"

"god. is that what everyone does?"

"yeah. i guess. i don't know. or they go to therapy"

Social Anxiety Disorder

Let's Compare!

the bone shells beneath waves of flesh

I left the house to go get my oil changed saturday morning and i got back just in time to get ready for work on MONDAY morning and i never even got the damn oil changed. my purse is in one parish and my dog is in another. i won't be regrouped until tuesday...at least i get paid friday.
The house I returned to on monday was not the same one I left on Friday...I mean it was.... Everything was right as i had left it..1/2 a cup of coffee on my bookshelf, open bottle of water, computer moniter holding the last internet page i was looking at...it didnt look like I had even been gone and frankly, I dont remember leaving the coffee there. But i wandered off and got an idea and then another and then i had to get the screws for the stupid bathroom towel rack bc the scews it recquires ARE VERY RARE INDEED...and I did pay the rent, which was good and i went to shreveport and saw Chuck's play which was FABULOUS and he got a GREAT review and I am kind of in awe of actors. real ones, not just "theatre people" and if you have ever been on the fringes you know what the quotation marks mean. "oh we are art people...its okay for us to fill-in-the-blank

and i ate four spring rolls at Dahn's Garden and i am still a little un nerved about that. Esp since spring rolls are kind of gross...like condoms filled with chopped raw carrots. really.

and I didnt take the Strattera this weekend bc i just didn't want to be sleepy!! it is making me sleepy - i give it one more week before i quit.


i know a woman who is amazing....her art is so good it makes me cry. I never really had a hero before.

Savage C and i were discussing childhood heros once bc he has many of them and i couldnt figure out why I didn't...
Eventually i was like..well i just didn't need one i guess.
I didn't need a hero bc i didn't know how horrid the world was bc i lived in an imaginary world.
with talking deer and magic streams and miraculous plants and stories of panthers roaming the forest
and banshees swooping down at night...screaming a mournful tale..
all the tragedy was in the past. In the dirt i played in.

So maybe that is why i made up villians
when they first gave me zoloft i anthropomorphized "him" into a wizard
we were going to FIGHT SOMETHING...something dark and mean..a shadow slipping across my brain.

I don't understand why I think/feel/look awful fat to myself but the people that are scientifically, factually, numerically BIGGER than me look fine and normal and great.

bc its not True about me. its a fantastic lie i tell myslef...so i will have something to fight instead of fighting for my ART or JOB or MONEY or RELATIONSHIPS. its all very lonely, you see.

and of course that is not ALL of it but sometime i just tell myself back the story of myself bc it makes me feel better
even if it may not be true.


So when we bloggers disucss REPLACING..as in "if i cant starve i cut and if i cant cut i drink and if i cant drink i count and if can't count i cut and if i cant cut i smoke and on and on....did anyone else Replace.. with HUMANS? like...if i can't be ocd about my behavior i will become completely OBSESSED with ONE PERSON and create the most co-dependent relationship on the planet?
yeah cuz I did and i may have been physically healthy and sober (for a bit) but i was severely emotionally crippling myself and another person.

Sometimes in my car..the music is just so good i turn it up so loud ..just surround myself with sound so thick..
music and art truly are therapy ..sometimes i just rock out.

I Don't Draw I Make Pictures

I had been imagining everyone in their own little suffering sacks, tied away, unable to escape or really connect with anyone.
I imagined myself like that...in a Bell Jar of sorts...but made of a thinner substance...and more smothering...

I have my entire life drawn in black bound sketchbooks and lined up on the shelf.
Now, I find some of the pictures from when i was sicker very painful to look at...but they were all true, nonetheless.
So funny, several times throughout my life I had well meaning teachers suggest that art was not my thing, not my gift, and maybe i should focus on something else. and maybe i should have but I just couldn't stop. I tried.

and then later well meaning professors suggested I make art that was less morbid. But, really..i tried...i just felt like I had to tell the truth.

and the truth seemed kinda morbid.

I had really sort of made my own little world of pictures and hunger and hurt
and I gazed out...really terrified and confused...and sick.
But I mean, i never really gave up i guess. Or i wouldnt be here.
and that is good, right.? right. okay.

a Girl named Green

So if you were one of the lucky few to receive a text message from me that said "i am on I-49 with a fucking flat i LOVE LIFE" here is the fall out from that eggggsperience":



BLOW OUT. yeah i took pics, on the side of interstate, i did. i took pics bc
i aint never had a tire BLOW OUT like that. I mean, i ve had a flat but that thing exploded.
and scared the h-e double LLLLLLLs outta me. i got more gray hair when that happened - I felt IT!!
so then...i just texted people..but ONLY people that were STATES away and could not possibly help me.
however and Lo and Behold...Charles Randy rescued me....
again

(he is getting really good at that)

i had just written the most freak out blog ever bc everything had gone wrong and i thought
things couldnot possibly get worse and then that tire....


but yeah everything is great now or at least TONS better even though now my brakes are going out and i am too poor to fix them but if they go out and i crash i wont text you don't worry.

oh except jacob got me this badass OWL necklace and i freaking RAN OVER it in my car and now its wing is all bent and im wearing it anyway bc i think it is the greatest metaphor EVER
bc i always wanted wings but im sure if i had them at least one would be all jacked up

and here is ellie in her NEW BACK YARD, she is liking it i think. i was afraid she would act all ready to leave, but i think i miss Robbins more than she does.



Right after i took this i went to see what she was barking at and it was
BIG FAT HUGE CAT THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE WILLFORD BRIMLEY
i thought he was gonna start tellin us a bout his diabetes.

and then here is this pic i love bc ellie looks like a chimp

that is me and ellie hangin out on our new stair case.

so as long as ellie's dog dander does not kill my housemate then things should go okay
and ..deep breathe..and and and everythingwillbejustfine.
justfine.

Road To NowHere

Where are you going? Are you leaving or arriving? There is a message for you, written in the sky... in a language you cant understand.... so you just run in place. spinning on sugar.

You can stop being, but you can't stop moving. You can refuse and shut down inside but the machine just keeps on rockin all around you...and you are a part of it and you cant get out..not really. Time Stop Spells don't work, they never did. They seemed to..bc yr body shrank back, recoiled in horror from the World. And you may can stop it from growing...and participating ..but you can't stop it from Aging. You really have no control at all in that respect. I would say that the appearance of age is not as troublesome as the fact of it. The lost time...the ticking clock. the mistakes you made and the mistakes you didnt make.
my skin is an aging scroll with my story written on it ...written in a language i don't understand....am i coming or going..on this road to now..here?

You Don't Want This

I found this drawing when cleaning out...reminded me....of what I don't want.

widow's nest

ahem. sorry my posts have been random firings of estrogen bombs lately. i feel like a black widow....and angry one. Love is a hostile category for me..and the moving is exciting but stressful. i feel a little like i got ran out of my nest...an angry bird. I have a tendency to over react sometimes. And i am very lucky to have on-line friends and in-person friends and they mean much to me and when getting hurt by one person... it helps so much to remember that.

Besides the weirdness at work and moving, I found a box of my ex's things in the attic, which had to be returned. I was glad my mom there, and she didn't let me dwell on lost time. (I'm over him But not really over my twenties) Still, that was an awkward find, to say the least. But then again, i am kind of awkward in general. But that night, afterward, i dreamed that i pulled a black string out of me...out of my cheekbone. and on the end was huge disgusting meaty wad of.....grossness. i was horrified and my mom was there and she said oh its okay, just let it go, its not dangerous.

i really think that was a symbolic dream. A letting go dream. A Getting RId Of Dream. Maybe it is good to get out of that nest.

Liar, liars, thorns and briars

I really never thought

deleted

BECAUSE I FLY SO HIGH WHEN I FLY SOLO

dear god of prozac please do not let me down now

..find a place to level out

i am still moving
and packing
and cleaning out.
i have found tons of stuff i wrote and drew when i was sicker.
oh my god i am so glad i have gotten better.
This was a letter to my lover that was never sent...

" If it didnt affect you i am not so sure you would care what sort of atrocites went on in my head.
bc you stll dont believe me. no one believes me. i wish i could make you see
i wish i could cut open my stomach in front of you and maggots fall out and then you will know
i wish you could feel it, the pure horror pumping through veins for hours days weeks, maggots in veins,
the morbid visions,the deathlust, the hate speeches, i want to watch you try to stop it..for months to no avail. and then have the one person who is supposed to be there for you say, "you must like it, you never try to stop it"



The thing about mental illness is that you can't always SEE it so people tend to discredit the pain it can cause and the lives it can ruin.
The one thing, though, that I wish I wish I could advocate for is that YOU CAN GET BETTER.

healing with a star, i mean scar.

and it is a lot, of work
and it is more than medicine. things like exercise (tho it is hard) and nutrition and schedules force your body to set a rythm and to make chemicals that fight the disease.
and the medication can help too.

I really cant believe how far I have come.
and I cant believe the people I have met
and the people who have helped me ....and the people I have hurt


it is really hard to be what everyone wants you to be
to be there for everyone
esp when you have serious screws loose and are unraveling in places
and people keep pulling on you to be there for THEM
and you try and you try and.....
it is really hard to hold anyone else up
when you are falling down yourself

and you  never measure up to their expectations.
exhaustion.

So one thing that totally motivates me to get and stay well
is that when i can be mentally and emotionally strong
I can be there for the people around me..
esp the ones that were there for me at times
(even if their motives are questionable and often times demands were unreasonable)

witch room is green?

So i am moving and i painted my new bedroom green. I love the green. this pic was last weekend, the floor is done now and I will be moving in this weekend.

Just this morning i crept back on the scale and had lost 5 lbs. I was startled but confused. I do not lose weight easily... i have been super stressed but i have been eating. Then i remembered that i also have taken diuretics and laxatives (In my defense, i really felt like i really needed them; i didn't take too many or anything). That must be the reason for the weight fluctuation but at least i am AWARE that this been a hell of a week, and I guess i needed control, too so the little behaviors crept back in.

I need to think more about this control issue...or how it applies to my restricting.

So i am moving this weekend, right, and i got a TON of new confusing assignments at work AND we are shorthanded at work AND another person just quit...the new assignments may be okay once i LEARN how to do them..if i can get D to show me how to do them without him yelling at me. again.( my dept is a dysfunctional family. seriously)

And the boy i had been talking to...well kinda kicked me in the heart...and then TOTALLY ignored me. I think the avoiding me hurt worse than the original kick but..oh well. To him, Im not worth an explanation. Fine, I can deal. i can icanican. ican. :(


So my work life, home life, and "love" life being out of control made me..well drink, smoke and lose some weight. But the good news is i am aware of it and plan to get back on track.

I am sure that i am over reacting about my well being. BUT! Being hyper aware is the only way i know to do this. It is the only way i know how to deal with and overwhelming barrage of emotion and anxiety and not hurt myslef. (i have a mood disorder, yo!.lol)

but im doing it. Im gonna be a green witch in a green room in the house between the river and the oleandars and im gonna be fine.

gonna keep telling myself that...

Beauty/truth Hope Faith

Some of us are desperately trying to make connections we just don't know how the hell to do it.
i don't know how to write, draw or blog or have a conversation.
i have most traits of an avoidant personality disorder.
I do write draw and blog and have something like conversations....usually involving me waving my hands around a lot.

i don't understand economics or capitalism... it all seems very cruel.

i am completely amazed at how varied the blogs i read are.
i cant believe the varied stories i have read about E.D.
the reasons why and the struggles
it almost doesn't seem like we all have the same disease.

i told my therapist i have art in one hand and hunger in the other and both are the only things that ever made sense

beauty is truth, to me, which i why i like things that seem REAL more than things that are just aesthetically pleasing.
and then there is hope and faith. now what do i do with those?

Keep a Positive Attitude!

So I actually ate real food for the past two days instead of Nutrition Bars and Shakes and I am now Freakingsick.My torso feels like a fucking garbage disposal. (MENTAL IMAGE GAG) I have such a disconnect from myself AND BODY. Sometimes I wonder if my stomach issues are like self fulfilled prophecies. Because there are so many things that I CAN’T eat now w/out getting sick. And having my gallbladder removed helped but did not fix my stomach issues. I wonder how many ED sufferers have gallbladder problems. My mom swears that the trouble with mine stemmed from my E.D. but the doctor just shrugged, pretty much.
Anyway I can maintain a healthy weight and appearance on nutrition bars and shakes but I know I appear totally neurotic in social settings when eating is involved and I almost CRY and order the most non caloric thing on the menu. My closest friends are used to it and never mention it, bless their hearts. But coworkers sometimes make me feel like i have” FOOD FREAK” tattooed on my head. Sometimes I want so defend myself, like, “well! so what you smoke/bite fingernails/road rage/ over eat/drugs/cheat /lie just to justify my weird behavior. But this is the south and FOOD is a BIG ol deal here. Bacon and FRIED THINGS and comfort food.
I just want a break I guess, but my brain won’t give me one. And I feel kind of cheated by…fate? I guess bc I stll have lots of the emotional issues of a E.D. but my weight and appearance are fine and it irritates the HELL outta the sicker part of me. She just SCREAMS, ya know? AT ME. But. Oh well.
So this pic is my attitude about all of it today.And Her And the Extra Special Work Assignment that I got yesterday. But ..its coo,l it’s cool. OH AND BTW I WANT AN OWL TATTOO.

Wrong Skull.

Oh Sorry I Grabbed The Wrong Skull
Sometimes when i remember my life so far its like im already dead

Patches of memoires stitched togehter like a quilt.

A scrap of a shoulder of a friend i wept on in 1998,

The funeral of my lover's father in a triangle shape sewn near the corner,

A long rectangular strip of kisses in the moonlight blurry faces and tears.

The taste of playdoh and clorox and the stench of children

and the horror of school, a training facilty for hairless apes.

Too much beer, the back of a truck, and some slaughtered animals.

The taste of blood and broken glass.

The look on her face when the they took me away.

Cigarette smells and doll clothes are years apart, but they are woven toghether

in a parade of blue green flecks and ash...

Somewhere in a tangle of thread near my heart, the left ventricle, I believe

is some fingernails, a tooth, a lock of hair and a hateful look from

a boy I erased.

Cut out.

Paperdoll hearts, my sister's hair in the sunlight.

That year i buried my baby teeth wtih the dogs collar

The year i wrecked the car

The year i wrecked my life

The year i wrecked yours

The month i wore the exact same thing everyday and refused to bathe

The year i ate so many pills i forgot who you were

I forgot who i was

I didnt sleep for almost a month was i was 15

When I was twelve I stopped eating flesh

I built a glass box and hid in it and it was such a great disguise,

a great surprise.

Later, I learned about the reptiles rolling over and

waking up the beasts.

It's not that easy to evolve a human, God said.

Give me some credit.

I did. Then I left him in the ditch with

the little plastic Mary and the Jesus candle

so lovingly plucked from the shelf at the K&B

and carefully placed between the Buddha bong and Dracula.

Why did it take so long to get here?

A place where nothing feels real and I can only remember things

that didn't even happen.

Babies dont grow in my belly, lies do.

I live alone and take the trash out on

the wrong day.

Carefully manage wobbling ankles

on strappy high heels.

I'm sorry I forgot what I was doing.

Was I going somewhere?

I was remembering something but,

like I said, I dont think it really happened, sir.

Thank you and good night.



I just wanted to know if your experience was similar to mine.

If your regrets where spread out in pale blue against a green sharp blade

of glass, I mean grass

Spread out so you could see them just by glancing up.

If the moon made you weep and if

everyone had grown so tired of your mellodramatic ways years ago.



It's not? I see. I'm going to gather up

these scraps of brightly colored bits

to make something to wrap up in.

Wrap my bones up in.

You see, I'm growing very tired of remembering

and im growing very tired of flesh.

Make a Great Witch

im gonna make a great witch

out of clay and ribbons
and give her to you.
i forgot who i was so
i asked the girl next to me and
she let me borrow her eyeliner.

Everything became so clear
when looking through her
smudged eyes
Later she showed me her hip bones
"arent they beautiful"
and danced away
with some lover.

i continued my search for god
searching my hip bones this time
he loves a scavenger hunt,
God does.

Noah's wife didnt get a name
and Lots wife got a salt lick
just for remembering.
I love disobedient women
Was it Jezebel? Eaten by dogs?
"Hey mister man my body is NOT a temple
its a god damn time bomb"
she screamed at the preacher when
she was nine.

Surely that is a false memory
like most of them.
connisseur of memories, I am.
Mine and other peoples.
All those dirty walks
down Bourbon street
Drunken talks
Days i spent
sewing animal bones together with ribbons
hanging them all over.
Yes, that was my attempt at a conversation.

Wait, what?

i hate cleaning i hate cleaning i hate it. i have no idea how things got this messy in the first place but in addition to hating cleanin i hate being messy. i hate putting things in ORDER. It hurts my brain like math i dont know why. And the harder i try to focus on one thing the more frustrated i feel....except for these few things i can super zone in on like drawing or tweezing hairs or peeling paint and then i can zoom in and do it for hours. Is there a name for this? Or if it is normal may i please have a manual to how my brain behaves so i can accomplish all the normal things in life like paying bills and finding my paycheck bc once i left it behind the seat in my car for a week and didnt even THINK about it for days. Dont know how it got there but i suppose things like MONEY are not a part of my immediate reality (tho it should be) bc in my head i am thinking of impossible things and painting. Therefore I..need to grow up already. BUT I TRIED. That is the thing everyone says "just get organized, just focus, just PAY ATTENTNION TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING." well dammit - i am TRYING to! i have been TRYING to since the THIRD GRADE. and i still move things around and wonder if someone broke in and moved things around bc i dont remember putting that there. or ANY of that really.

So I worry about having a roommate I worry about moving i worry about everything. I remember my ex saying "you cant make it without me, no one knows you like i do" and then i go off and leave the STOVE ON or go to bed WITH THE BACK DOOR WIDE OPEN or go out to run errands without my wallet and i wonder if he is right. And i wonder if all the energy i put into trying to be remotely in order is really worth it bc it takes alot of energy and i need that energy in other areas of my life.

and when i suggested to my mom that she has ADD she laughed and said i try to make excuses for people but people are the way they are and you deal with it and go on. Reasons or excuses? what is the differnce? I think it is just bc i want to be better. i have a quirky perfectionist sense, i want to be kinda perfect or at least better than i AM.

Or i suppose i could just "do the best i can" and accept me for me. and hope ya'll accept me for me.

So yesterday i took my dog to Red River with my professor friend and his dog. He got a new camera lens and took some pics of me. I like modeling for him bc it is very comfortable, he feels like family and bc we both have asimilar artistic vision. More about truth than beauty. anyway this one pic was kind of fun so i am posting it.

also, i started drawing a rib cage laced with a ribbon and tied with a bow on the sternum last night but fell asleep before finishing it, so that hopefully will be my next post.

okay back to cleaning.

Stitched and Bound

i worked on this drawing until i fell asleep last night..and.

Writing blogs in  my head, a motor that goes on and on....

The thing about the way i draw bodies is that i dont WANT them to look like they look, i want them to look like they FEEL. and this never goes over well in academia. When i was teaching Drawing I, i insisted that my students keep a sketchbook of drawings that were more intuitive (or whatever they wanted) in addition to the rather rigid classroom assignments. Being a basic course, assignments often consisted of making a value scale or doing gestures of a simple still life. Expression  - of emotions or even the unexplainable moods inside a person - is so VITAL to making good art, that i wanted them to have freedom to create - withOUT the rigid rules- shadows fall to the left, the perspective is measured with a ruler, using your pencil to figure porportion....I wanted to say, here is a tool - charcoal  -  make the marks that your spirit guides you to make.

That was a little too hokey or liberal artsy - so i did give them guidelines..but i wanted them to have a free place to express themselves in addition to the boring assignment of drawing five organic contours. Anyway...

The idea of moving out of my house and making MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS has me feeling a bit o the ANXIETY and cluttery INTRUSIVE thoughts. My anxiety totally transforms itself Things That Can't Possibley Be True...For instance, i am worried about a total stranger (REALTOR) coming to poke around my nest (my house IS my studio) but instead of feeling that, i experience total PANIC and feel like i cant breathe and then i have total physiological response - literally i felt like my blood froze in in the veins in my arms. When i was younger i may have let that thought process continue until i was completely unsure about the NATURE OF REALITY and so confused i barely knew my name but NOW!! on my quest to be a rational  human being I immediately recognize what my brain is doing and start attempting to CONTROl it by well forcing myself to BREATHE slowly like I am the OMMmmmm master. 

I used to LAUGH at self help books but, really some of them have some GOOD advice about controlling anxiety attacks and stuff.

bc really, i got the call from the landlord and within 8 minutes i was outside on the phone with my mom crying bc in 1970 her dad died 3 months after she moved back from Montana and my carpal tunnel problems were going to leave me totally crippled and i could FEEL the tendons and blood and nerves completely BREAKING. and what if all the things i DREW really came true...bc i drew stitched arms for YEARS...and what about ohmgod KARMA.

but then yeah i fought to come up for air. 

oh and i totally had nutritional shakes and bars for food yesterday bc i could not eat "REAL" food but i think im kinda GREAT for making sure i got adequate nutrition by some means or another bc iwant to be strong and FUNCTION..except for that tiny part that wants to be sick and Avaoidant. Gah. okay. 

Dear Ghost of Me

Dear Ghost Girl (that's me),

we have more important things to do than read your self obsessed blogs. we dont even know w hat you are talking about. Of course your blood is not frozen in your veins, that is impossible bc, see, you are moving about and apparently...hyper-vent-i-lating.

Love,

the rest of the functioning world and all of your exes.

bwahahahaha. i crack myself up.

i'm losing it. nuts. bananas. fruitcake. batty. anxiety attack-0!!

no im just freaking out bc they are coming to appraise the house i live in monday at 10 am.

so i can either buy it or move.

and i cant buy it.

so ill be moving.

and i cant afford it.

and i dont know what to do.

and

and

and

i hate eating. i hate an appetite. i hate feeling like i have needles and needles in my veins when i don't - i cant possibley. i hate that i transform ANXIETY into things that cant possible true.

chill. out. now. self.

i hate that i only ever wanted to marry a person that i could never possible marry

i hate that i dont trust anyone else to love me

i hate that i even WANT anyone to love me. I wish i didn't.

i hate that i do not make decisions until there is no other possible choice.

and life moves me over slightly to the left.

and on a larger scale, there is war or two or three and a new president and a bunch of angry people bombing things. and lots of pollution. hi! welcome to earth.

i wish the damn lowercase i would capitalize itself. i swear, ya'll i can spell i just cant TYPE>

fish wish whispers

Sometimes I say I am going to lay off the eating disorder topic and sometimes its all i want to blog about/read about it bc so many of my thoughts go to food and eating and size and shape and the weight of the space AROUND me as it presses down against me. Could it be physics? Really, maybe my e.d. was caused by the SPACE AROUND ME pushing in on me. riiight. Oh wait, that is anxiety.

crackers for breakfast• crackers for lunch• crackers for dinner.

no protein. I neeeeeeeed protein. I need it, I get cranky and depressed and exhausted w/out it but my god it is hard to eat it. ...but sometimes i can do it. (chew chew chew swallow don't think, don't dont't don't THINK..chew.)

But..I'm cat-sitting for this really cool lady, right. Well, I have to feed her cats canned food...and it makes me NOT want to eat...for the rest of the day. Really my brain just makes all these icky connections and the best i can do as far as eating is only eat really bland things. Okay, then, brain...we will EAT crackers. great. CARBS. really? ugh.

I don't know why it is soooo complicated....i just get so disgusted by the nature of food - what it really IS.

 I don't know why

and part of me doesn't care! i will stay strong -  even i have to drink meals. 

This is all very NEW. This never happened in the earlier more severe parts of my bizare food neurosis. There was no repulsive connections between food and meat or death or gross things.

There was just RESTRICTION.

So maybe parts of my mind are fighting against me being well.....??

I tend to do that. Fight against myself. Don't we all...?? in some way or another.

Anyway..the damn cats. I LIKE the cats. I have a dog. I'm a dog type-o-person. and i like fish. but i dream that i have to eat fish. and that sucks. bc the fish whisper to me.and they ask me not to eat them!!!!

OrANGE IS NOT for ADD Addled brains

I have some dumb fantasy that if i get some ADD medication that i will be able to salvage my life. I'm sure that is not true...for instance, I thought the same thing of cymbalta and that was a WRECK and night sweats and prozac is doing just dandy right?
So why am i all jumbled up and why do i feel like the transmission in my brain is BROKE like i cant shift gears and all my thoughts get jumbled and then I schedule five appts for the SAME time and try to leave the house w/out shoes on the coldest day of the year but i was IN a hurry....

and i supposed i will continue to be misunderstood and way too sensitve but really im beginning to think that everyone ELSE is just as senstive as me. i insulted 8 people in one blog - a blog that was totally self absorbed and all about ME.
or maybe it was the babykilling joke. yeah i'm sure that was totes lame. Sometimes i joke about things bc they are too horrid to deal with otherwise. Like when i told my dog that i would hate to drag around a mushed puppy patty so she better stay back off of the road. And then i laughed about plastered puppy patty all day bc I LOVE MY DAMN DOG. okay god, back to work. im totallly LOVING ORANGE TODAY

oh the humanity

So i posted the previous blog to my mypsace and then i was immediately like i wonder if that was offensive i should totally AMEND that so as not to offend anyone with children or religious beliefs, etc, and as soon as i did an old friend posted that she LIKED my post bc it was honest and she liked me bc i was TRUE and i replied that i thought the same thing of her..but then when i got back to this blog i had lost a follower and i was like ohmgod what'd i do? and that is one of the many weird things about being on the internets and blogging and total strangers and being a person like me who has waaay to many opinions to be so sensitive about offending anyone.
but the thing about ME is that i grew up in a TINY RURAL TOWN IN THE DEEP SOUTH and religion and family structure and tradions were EXTREMELY CONSERVATIVE almost to the point of being ridiculous. and i can imagine that that is, in fact, a unique point of view if you are not used to it. The simple act of being vegetarian was - no IS STILL - like...groundbreaking...in this area so when i seem aggravated or angry and like a bit of a godless liberal (well...wait) it is bc many of the religions around here do not believe in watching TV or dancing!! or even birth control!! and they want the government to enforce these beleifs!! And i grew up not fitting in. and there was only like two options you could choose or you were "WEIRD". and yeah it was aggravating. This is not really the place for celebrating differences. which is why, yeah i should probably leave. but of course I totally believe that everyone should be whatever religion they want to be as long as it isn't forced on anyone else. and then again i dont know that i really have followers at all bc some of htem seem like spam. crazyness but ive gotten SPAM comments on my blog. really. okay i went out to run errands and forgot my wallet and so i came back and went out again and i bought two canvases so now im going to paint. for real. god i love humanity.

what was i thinking by writing this

Woke up feeling so weird and hazy today. I had the oddest thoughts and felt an overwhelming desire to delete my self from the internets. Reconnecting on facebook with the person who was mean to me in 3rd grade is not my idea of celebrating life. I mean im sure that everyone ELSE is happy and reproducing and being responsible capitalists and thinks life, is like, so fun and heaven is next up, BUT i am still very happy being ME and ME is not someone who ever fit in or felt connected or even remotely happy in a tiny rural town of people who enjoy church and sports and gossip about people's drinking and sexual habits.
The thing i wonder is, Am i A Snob? Bc i never tried to change myslef to fit in. I just rolled my eyes, basically bc if you dont GET why Live Through This is the Greatest Album of the 90s or why Beauty Pagents are DUMBASFUCK or why Welcome To the Dollhouse makes SENSE or why Emily DIckenson is so much more than a RECLUSE or why everyone SHOULD read Baudelaire and not ANIMAL TORTURE WEEKLY then i am not going to lower myself by explaining it to you. Okay so add in PLEASE FUCKING LIKE ME REALLY IM COOL and a touch of SUICIDE IS QUITE A LOT LIKE BEING THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING and ALIENATION and then you have...... total bewilderment, really.

Really i have not thought of the torture that was high school that ended in my hospital stay and then i got fat and graduated and went to college and did drugs and hung out with loser boys and took art classes for years and i have to stop this list before i get to the present and really depress myself...

but lately i am thinking of it and i guess is bc of stupid facebook all these people who find me and im thinking you hated me! what? - now you want to be Socially Polite bc we are adult? fuck adult - i'm apparently an overgrown punk and i will still throw a brick in your window and haul ass. bc yes, that is how professional i am in my button up shirt and slacks and heels.
lol.

What am i supposed to say to these people? Congrats on your rampant reproduction, material consumption, and walk with christ, sorry you still don't get Feminism? or Equal Rights? or ANYTHING except christianity? remember that time you were REAL happy i almost ruined my life?

So instead of the BIZArre human condition of wanting people that you despise to LIKE you back (wtf) i wonder if i was always that WEIRD GIRL bc i wanted to alienate people and be totally weird or IF I WAS REALLY MENTALLY ILL. bc anxiety and depression and crippling intrusive thoughts can really really put a damper on the confident soccer playing, cheer leading, fbla joingin well adjusted youth prototype.
try huddling in a corner with dead spiders pulling the skin off of the bottoms of your feet, picturing everyone shriveled in a coffin. WELL. ITS TRUE. and it wasn't my fucking FAULT that starvation MADE SENSE like nothing else EVER DID.

so yeah maybe i am a loser, maybe im thirty and still sad about the fat kids that got laughed at and the ugly kids that got pushed down and the smart kids that got beat up. you know what?? IM GLAD I am EMPATHETIC. and im GLAD that i can see more than JUST MY SIDE OF THE STORY. and im glad that i HATE VANITY AND SELF OBSESSED soccer moms who want to push their kids to be prom queen model christian bc real life can be quite ugly and brutal and although i dont believe in wallowing in misery i do believe in learning and accepting THE TRUTH and not white-washing it.
so maybe i hold onto to pain more than i should.
i gaze at joy, too.
im just not going to pretend that everyone was rich and happy, when at the end..someone should tell the story of the forgotten few..or at least REMEMBER them.

i am not afraid...of much of anything anymore.

Heh. and i am THRILLED that Obama overturned the Global Gag Rule.
Le the babykilling commence.
(which is total sarcasm - its more like - let women receive accurate information about reproductive responsibility - finally - worldwide. Bc deciding NOT to have child is not easy in countries where rape is not penalized, Women dont have the right to say no or anything, and there is not enough food or resources to raise a healthy child anyway. so if you have resources to healthily reproduce or to decide not have child you should be thankful and not attempt to prevent women in other nations from making the excrutiating decision to not have a child.

>So my tragus piercing is NOT HEALING well at all and for a while i was doing sea salt soaks and using emu oil and then that just seemed to irritate it so i stopped and now i just wash it with anti bac soap once a day but you know what... I think ill just let it Rot off. cuz im punk rock like that! YAR..like the time i went to church with pus oozing from my nose ring. yeah.
So i make it all symbolic, though, in my head i imagine being looped ...hooked thru the ring in my ear to a wall. a stone wall.While it is HEALING you are connected to the initial pain but then..you know after it heals...you are free with a metal memory

it is silly maybe to apply meaning to things like i do, automatic brain response...to a chaotic world..i dont know sometimes it gets to be too much i guess and i apply meaning and EMPHASIS to things with NO meaning and then i begin to feel like a sad witch trapped in an imaginary world..scared to move bc i might make voodoo..what does it mean what does it mean.the stars what do they mean.they mean nothing nothing....constructed matchstick fantasy world ....chemical kisses.

Flew Five States (with a wounded wing)

I gave my sister a painting of a bird for xmas.

She took it back 5 states away and hung it up in her house.

merry xmas my tall lovely sister

I had my tests for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome today... Totally unaware that these tests involved NEEDLES. and of course before it was over i was white as a sheet and about to FAINT.

Now my arms have small purplish bruises from the jabs and i feel squeamish just remembering but..the final outcome is that yes i have some swollen nerve things on the ulna side and i wonder how much of this came from computer work and how much came from years and years of drawing daily small scritchy pictures one after the other for hours and hours..drawing furiously as if stopping would result in my total disappearance or fading away...drawing in order not to talk, not to deal with anything drawing in social situations drawing at parties drawing in class drawing at the bar drawing in church drawing at work in the margins in my car on napkins at the table.. i still make art but it is less of a compulsion now. i don't know if that is good or bad. It is sort of good that the overwhelming urgency has gone.. the pressure and fear but...i wonder how much i am missing out. I wonder about the pictures that ARENT being drawn. and if i owe it to prozac. and how much art balances with prozac. and how scary a thing that is to think...and how life is better illustrated, i think. and life is better with prozac. i think. here is prozac bird. Art with an anti d.

Prozac it makes you fly straighter! if you are an art bird, that is. with carpal tunnel syndrome in your wings.

Walk the Plank

I walk the plank

I walk the line

Why do I feel like I'm always playing a game that I can't win

I'm so bewildered I don't even know the rules!!!

so i made some up and they were, obviously, wrong.

Today was a day of reckoning for her. It was get up or go the hospital.

three...two... one...

she got up.

like I got up.

Jesus I wish I could tell her that yes, everyday I think it was worth it. 

I can weigh the reasons.

Another Tattered Torso

Healing humor healing imagery

healing oil, incense, church and bone.

However we heal...

however we recover

together or alone

soul serious singing

laughing earth in unision

we are.

Confessions of a

i think being kind is about the most important thing you can be

i lost drugs and god at the same time and i miss them both

Your particular mental disorder may be a painful crippling cage but what else have you got without it? oh wait. FREEDOM.

Its hard to imagine that evolution is not really progress, its just adaptation. We dont really get naturally better as if we are working toward a GOAL, we just get more efficient at surviving in a certain environment....You change or die out. I was such a nihilist. I'd have rather died out, but now i'm working on sticking it out for a while longer.

I'd say it has been very unfortunate for me that the martyr role is so appealing. And i never even got some fire or  crown?

I have swept out my skull as of late, but before, my brain was filled with ripped up fairy flesh and scattered bones. I got really angry and quit believing. They put up a good fight.

Sorry we are not cool enough for you guys - we did arts and crafts instead of watching MTV. We forgot to try to be beautiful and just decided to be ourselves.

i had a baby in my dream. it was a doll though. it would not act right so i got angry and threw it on the ground. 

When in the midst of a deep dark depression it may not seem as if everyone else's horrible tragic life is just as traumatic to them as yours is to you. But it is. You dont HAVE to wear a veil. But itd be cooler if you did.

i dress up to sleep in case the incubi or succubi come. they never do. i wake up in the same place..which is NOT an inbetween twilight fariy land where i finally feel at home...

i have alot of insect wings and turtle shells. but i promise i didnt RIP them off. i found them already broken.

Poisoning other people is a good way to make alot of money. Corporate hit men. Yikes!

i voted for Obama, but some people say it doesn't matter, there is evil on all fronts and we are doomed -  headed for Global enslavement. I tend the think that the fire is not in the hole just yet. The battle has yet to be laid out. The decisions he will make will set a course...Our future has not been quite set in stone..yet. Its in his heart...already, though.

Hearts have chambers that hold whimpering ghosts of who you used to be. I imagine myself delivering sacred healing oil to these spirits. I see that not all of them are me.

i want to run right now but its dark and not safe. i want to run through pine trees and have the moonlight flicker down..the smell of earth is so comforting to me. I used to fantasize about disintegrating into the dirt. When the Death Lust gripped me. Lately i have been clinging to the light.

heart to hold

This was a doodle i did a few months ago at my parents house, watching Tv with my sister. I was actually in pretty good spirits - strong spirits  - and was attempting to channel some of my energy into her. Energy to fight the Disease. That is mentally. But often the Need to "rescue" my sister will somehow cause me to become Suddenly Much Stronger Than I Thought Possible and it always has, since she was born and became my Living Doll and Best Friend and Sister Child. Since i was four years old i dressed her and fed fer and even helped potty train her and taught her to read. God, no wonder she's f'ing nuts. Heh. Not really, actually she does seem to be doing much better -  she just needs a much better shrink bc the one she has is overloading her with medication and I have to question his ..Ability to adequately treat her... or anyone actually w/out creating a dope fiend. I am using the few resources i have to find her a better doctor and i have a good lead.

I mean seriously. The guy just flat out asked her what medication she wanted. Xanax? Valium? Clonezepan? Trazadone? She sleeps. for. days. days. at a time. He is not helping.

So after i spent a week calling my mom daily to check on my sis and being convinced that she was suicidal my mom started over reacting about my over reacting. But my sister did improve and then when I finally made it home my mom immediately was like, "oh my god, your bones are jutting out, you have gotten too thin, you have lost weight just since xmas and i know it is bc you are too wrapped up in your sister."

Gah!! We are a cycle of neurotic energy. I had, I think, lost weight BEFORE xmas and was already gaining back by the time she noticed and freaked out. But i think she has trained herself to avoid my weight issues (I have my own therapist to deal with that ON MY OWN) that she really didn't notice until I was emotionally distraught. Which, in a way, could be a good thing -  I am communicating with words INSTEAD self harm. Yay. and all that. Anyway the weekend ended on a good note and no matter how  bizarre we may get there is lots of love. Which I am fortunate to have. So I left on Sunday night and headed to back to Natchitoches, back to work. back to job hunting and thinking and deciding without a forest to distract me. Without the Owls and banshees and all my grandmother's ghosts. I swear my sense of Self is so tangled up with those 80 acres....It is almost to much for my heart to hold.

trigger happy bitch

www.ivonnethein.com

so im not posting the pics this links too bc i honestly don't know how triggering they may be to people who get to my blog from the ED circle of blogs that i frequent.

They are so freakishly unreal they may not be a trigger or

they are so freakishly unreal the may be a HUMUNGOUS trigger.

so. BeWaRe

So this is 'ART' and i understand that and several really smart explanations and points were made on the jezebel discussion board

(only one thumbnail pic is on that link)

but all i can say...is that what i felt was..hate.

really.

I looked at the images, i read the discussion and i 

felt .... like i hated the whole world and everyone in it and me, too.

and i spent way toooo much time on the scale this morning before i even SAW this.

Silent Rain

I did this painting Sunday Morning. The day i left Tulsa...Wow that was just yesterday. It seems so long ago. It's crooked...the photo is. I used to know to straighten it in photoshop but I forgot. And its late and rainy and im cold. and tired. and alone. and kind of sad. and kind of peaceful all at the same time. God i LOVE SILENCE. and my house.

forest heart of green

here is how i look at a bar. after drinking some soco listening intently to Leah... totally unaware that jacob is using his iphone as a camera. all these gadgets and gizmos..am i 80 yet?

i want to go home. i mean, in that picture i was happy but somewhere in side me i would almost ALWAYS rather be athome. and by home i mean forest.

and by forest i mean home.

and i cant imagine not having a forest to run thru - your very own forest.

and i tell my self that home is in your head. home is in your heart.

the forest is inside you.

well it isnt. it is in a precise location a latitude and longitude that NO ONE wants to be at with me.

except me. or can be at.

i have lived in Natchitoches for over ten years and it does not feel like home...it is not home.

it is just the place i live and work.

the forest is home i belong in the forest i dont know what is going to happen to me but

i am pretty sure whatever happens...i'll be alone.

and i think i've always known it.

one (finished)

 

So here is the painting i did for Jacob for xmas. I did decide to add hair so Voila!

Here she is finished.

What do you think? Everyone thinks it is one of my happier paintings but i think its kinda creepy.

Orange flowers are my anti-psychotic

So my doctor suggested i get back on the Navane, which is an antipyschotic medication that i take for a myriad of reasons, but it is a very low dose. So i started it and immediately got that weirdest feeling in the world  - that lasted for two days and is still lingering...I thought okay maybe I DONT need this medicine if my body reacts like this. Finally i thought to check the label and it was 2 mg instead of the 1mg or possibly even .5mg that I needed. GAAARGH!!! I know i should have checked my meds when i picked them up but...i just becomes such a habit. . The Doc always wants to give me this higher dose and I can NOT take it. I can level out and be fine on 1 mg but more is NOT merrier in this case. The weird feelings is pretty much that i felt sleepy and antsy at the same time...like my brain and eyes were jumpin around, yes some invisible force was pressing down on me. Lord. Anyway its fading and i will be more careful with that from now on.

So for xmas i did a painting for jacob bc he does not have any of my paintings and has always wanted one. So i gave him this

:

except i added hair at the last minute bc she looked so ......skinned i guess. Anway i was working on it til the last second and then finally i let it go and gave it to him and of course he LOVED it even though i was worried that he would find it creepy. Plus I didnt do as much texture work on this one and he loves that. The thing was, it was an already painted canvas that someone gave me and it had not been gessoed with a lot of layers...I am used to painting on gessoed wood so the canvas was much more absorbent that i was used to. Soaked up my paint..that canvas did.

Oh well. 

At this point I am fairly hung over so Im sure today will be interesting bc I have lots of work to do at the newspaper. And its 7am so its time to go get started.

IN THE TRUNK; Your life is now

My parents cleaned out storage a while back ago and I recovered this trunk. My mom says my sister and i used to keep our toys in it, but in my memory it has ALWAYS been in the Attic. Well now its in my house. i have to work on it a little but wont it look smashing next to my bright green Ikea rug? And by smashing I mean a little random retro color clashed and mashed.  Of course part of me wants to line it with fake grass (astro turf) and put a bust of one of my white tortured goddess figures in it. hmmm...

I wore a rather ridiculous (apparently) hat today and i was totally devastated (okay not really) when the ladies at the Dr.'s office laughed at my hat. They DID. I'm sure of it. Or that may have been the paranoia but.. hmmm  I think they laughed at my hat. Bitches. Well, looking ridiculously wonderful some days can be fun when life feels like a drag. and by drag - let me clarify - i mean going nowhere bc I'm indecisive about EVERYTHING. And overwhelmed by seemingly SMALL decisions.

And lately when i blog in my head..which, let me tell you, is always waaaay better that what i actually blog..it goes back to food and carbs and the economy. How protein is expensive and when i eat Carbs i get depressed and feel fat and slow but they are so cheap. A while back ago Emmy over at Frozen Oranges  blogged about food prices and eds and recovery and the connections and yeah. Yeah it sucks. Bc i would almost rather buy NO food...but i cant so have to buy cheap food which is usually unhealthy. So i try to make myself eat tuna (cheap high protein) and i almost have a psychotic BREAK bc im vegetarian and meat SCARES ME. bad. I feel like a MONSTER when i eat meat. but i think i could eat bugs..like locusts. Maybe. but not fish. and sure as hell NOT A MAMMAL. but all this Carb wheat cracker business has got to stop. Along with my inability to decide...bc there is no time like your life.

i'm my own voodoo doll

This pic is 3 years old, anyway, its about how I feel today -  like a birdPerched on a tiny spot just hangin on

- but I'm not that small anymore but-

the thing is i feel REAL ANXIOUS

bc I'm going to the Dr today, the gyno, bc i got a UTI and my other doc

was like well you need to go the gyno since you haven't been in like 3 years. And it sucks and i'm nervous but even worse i'm like oh my god. They are gonna WEIGH ME. no no nonononono. iI don't want to know Ireallydont. Last time the dr. weighed me i was freaked out for months and all the tastes of everything changed. and i couldnt eat without thinking of horrid things. like rottenfish and ovaries. And Soilent Green

Not that i ever lose weight -  if i eat or not. I have a static concrete immovable metabolism apparently. To even lose 5 lbs i was jogging  5miles and eating nil.Daily. For months. Anyway. God. Enougha that shit. Why am i even bloggin i have way toooo much workas in real work bc I'm ATWORK and there is a tornado warning and the sirens are going off and i feel way too full and my heart is pounding and and and

The Humidity down here is insane and I think it may be affecting my mental health.

The Voodoo down here is os thick i think it may be affecting my spiritual health

The spirits down here are so thick they are affecting  my voodoo

i cant get sick or well

The Sun is a Star. I'm neither Sick Nor Well.

The Sun is a Star. I had this theory when i was sickest that my life would be a ton better if i could just photosynthesize food like a plant. Just go out in the sun and that would be nourishment.

No chewing, No swallowing... No appetite. 

i have no idea how much i weigh.

It is horrifying, really considering that at one point

i TOOK MY SCALE WITH ME if i stayed overnight any where.  I just had to know. i HAD to.

and then when i had my gallbladder removed they weighed me on the medical scale and i totally lost it bc i realized MY scale had been wrong.

and later i was sharing this horror with my therapist and acknowledging the fact that i TOTALLY KNOW NUMBERS ON A SCALE MEAN NOTHING in the grand scheme things and she pointed out that I was strapped to a hospital bed getting anethesia and about to have an organ removed and all I cared about was my weight.  about 7 lbs of it. And i said yes. Yes i was. And i know that is sad. 

And i lost some weight after that. i mean the number was too big and i could not deal with it. but i stayed in my realm of safety. i have no idea how sick or recovered i am or ever was. i toppled from ana into ednos real quick. i know that i have screwed up my metabolism to the point that my body holds onto weight really easy and i can gain 5 lbs in a week. But  my therapist doesn't want to hear this, she never says anything about it. ..or the numbers and she NEVER weighs me. ever. And i think she is a genius for it bc she knows that is part of the game and she does not participate at all. The shrink hates that the therapist doesn't weigh me. She doesn't get it. She goes by charts and milligrams of medicines and numbers and statistics. My therapist doesn't discuss that. She will discuss Magical Thinking. And WHY the numbers are important to me. But what the DSM says is sick or well...we don't talk about it. And i want to...in a bad way. a measure, label, count and compare way. She is a smart woman. 

I have told her before that i truly believe I would have never ever gotten better if i had gone to a REAL treatment center. I think she agrees. Louisiana is a poor state and my parents got me the best treatment in the area and that was a stay in a pysch ward with a patchwork network of specialists..not an ED WARD. There was one down further south but we decided against it for the time being. It was really far and i responded well to the "treatment"

But if i had met a real live person AT THAT TIME, that was ana ...it may have been more of an affirmation...something to bond over. Competition is a bad thing to me. always. i hate it. and i avoid it. but in the ED world  - its warped and backward and things that would not mean anything in real life suddenly MEAN A LOT. i know that much....

I had a nutritionist but i didn't really listen to her. I got super medicated, too...but mostly i wanted to go home and get away from all those people. God. My Social Anxiety almost trumped the ED. As in , i ll eat anything you say if you let me go back home hide out and not have to see these people.

and i got better. i did. i got medicated and i got some friends and replaced the e.d. with other vices and then i went back to the e.d. But now, i keep my weight at a point that is healthy enough so that i can be strong enough for my family and not scare the hell out of them and sometimes i go thru the things i have eaten in my head and i have no clue if it is too much or too little or whatever..unless i have a chart. i have no intuitive eating skills anymore. i obliterated them. BUT! People always say you cant get better for anyone other than yourself...you have to do it for YOU. I disagree. I only got better for my family. I still ONLY STAY WEll for my family. If it were not for them i would most definitely be at an evil weight. and by evil i mean a weight that would finally, in the end, kill me. I discussed this with my Gypsy (that is, therapist) She said you are a fighter..and i said yes but only bc i had a lil sister to take care of. I mean really. At some points i would chew, chew, chew and swallow only for them. Swallowing past a lump in my throat and a racing panicked mind. I am terrified of a lot of foods. a lot. Martyr much? maybe. But I don't REMIND them of it and and they don't know. and that is fine. 

i am very lucky.. (or on the other side of the ED fence UNLUCKY) to have a hell of a resilient body. Tough as nails. Slow metabolism and Big Strong Bones. Genetically Fit. As in, it is very easy to hide a restricted diet and over zealous exercise routine. No one would suspect. I appear to be naturally thin. Im not. I am supposed to be about 20 lbs heavier.  Or i was. it is all screwed up now and i am already thirty. Well whatever. Recovery has become a lifestyle. but not RecoveRED. just recoverY.

what i hate the most is the giant discrepancy of weight charts and the BMI bullshit routine.

Some charts i'm ill, some charts i'm well.

I've been told not to pay attention to the chart in my head.

Headless angel with broken wings

That headless angel she follows me.

She wants to rescue me.

I don't trust her.

Yesterday's post was a bit of an emotional outburst.. I wanted to delete it but I think I'll keep it around...No sense in ruining my record of "Too Much Information So Now It's Awkward"

Comments.

I love comments and I love reading other blogs but I often get afraid to comment. It is silly, really but makes sense -  social anxiety on the internet. Anonymity does not cover the fact that what you say write may be really really dumb.

i get cyberstage fright.

And then there behind me is this headless angel whispering that it is okay.

but I don't trust her...so i take a pill.