You mean nothing to no one but that is nobody's fault.

"I had a lengthy discussion about The Power of Myth / With a post-modern author who didn't exist
In this fictitious world all reality twists / I was a hopeless romantic, now I'm just turning tricks"

In our last conversation she mentioned the word "empowerment" as a way to get through life

i had heard it and read it in all this therapy/recovery stuff. empowerment. It's like sometimes you skim

the words that can't apply..(which is why i always have to re-read.) It is an Action word. something you have to DO.

Move. Act. Change. Being really avoidant,...well its a problem. I'd almost rather be terrified, frozen, prepared and

ready to fight this imaginary THING. You can't see it and i almost always can't see it but I know it is there and I have to obsess and do all these THINGS to like starve, for instance, and count and place things and cover them (ocd what have you)

suddenly you drop all that and go join an Animal Rescue Program. And you are thinking that you neglecting a small dark world that

is SCREAMING and begging for you to return but you say NO. I am putting on normal clothes and brushing my teeth and going

to pay a bill. or sign up for a class. or join an acting troupe. or actually make a friend and hang out with them and drink tea and NOT

become codependent and twisty and obsessed with their past and present and soul and brain. I am being normal. this is normal. great. now i am obsessing about being normal.

So, you know, what better way to be empowered that to be an activist for this thing you are recovered FROM?

Well, you know what? It is really hard to be an activist for a condition that no one believes you have. or had.

it is really hard to be surrounded by people who say they love you but when you form words your mouth is just

numb bc you cant make words that covey the slightest accurate portrait of what is inside you.

so you draw it and you paint it and your parents can't bear too look bc the painting are painful and 

most of the time i don't even think my therapist believes me. Anxiety. i have anxiety and i have fear.

Oh. Sorry. I thought it was God. (i really did)

i don't understand how anyone can love me if they don't know me. and i don't feel known.

i don't want to die unknown, but then in another way i kinda do. just crawl up and disappear. go away as if i never was.

that kinda sounds okay sometimes. That last love, he said, "you cant leave me bc no one knows you but me"

and it sounds like some controlling bs but the thing is, he was right. It was true. So sometimes he called me crazy but sometimes he

said My god there is nothing wrong with you. he said it so much. i got angry. i stopped taking my medicine. i stopped all of it. i didn't tell anyone. after a few months my skull was a living torture chamber for my brain. I tried to tell him what was going on.

"ohmygod see this is the shit you don't need to say. to anyone. this is the shit that is gonna get you back in the hospital.and you need to stop it bc there is nothing wrong with you. i'm going to call your parents... do they know how you are"  

i got back on my meds eventually but, like, i think everyone just kinda thought i was lame for doing so. So after that i just you know shut most people out except for my few obsessions. and he moved on and all which is great bc he was an amazing human being even though the was, of course, not equipped  with the skills to handle what the hell ever ever was wrong with  me. (NOTHING)

i "recovered" i eat. i got a job. it has been years now, since i recovered from nothing.

 i look an my paintings and  cry. i am numb and no one knows who i am.

Tea cups and fish: a death story

Death makes me feel....


panicky
terrified
horrified
overwhelmed
distressed
nauseous
regretful
mournful
sorrowful
reflective
paranoid
resentful
confused
shocked


for starters. and the emotions roll in like tidal waves. You steady yourself...and then there is another. You know you have been in therapy too long when you  grab a pen and LIST your EMOTIONS by name..or wait Are those feelings? gah. nevermind. I think i failed Therapy.


So who falls in love with a dying woman anyway? not love. but love., that is


i do. i did. Bc i need her and i don't want to her do die.
but she is going to.
I almost met her by accident. we seemed to love the same men. not in the girly catty way, but really -  we found the same gold souls and by touching them, touched each other. I held her hand in mine just last night and was so reluctant to let go..to see her slip away into the forever. 


It was HER art that saved me...that stopped me from giving up. When no one could understand what i was trying to express...when i was so lost, and scared and shy and ...One of the professors showed me a few images of her work. After the intense shock of just how GOOD it was (better than textbook-art-history-museum-stuffs and this woman lived an hour away?!?)I was eerily aware of our similar images. Mine were like, crayon scribbles, compared to her excellent technique but holy mary. Tea Cups and Fish. i mumbled, "tea cups and fish....and bones, she paints bones"
Symbols that mean more than words can say. Symbols that came so naturally to me, that when asked for an explanation i would just make one up. To protect the actual meaning. Nothing stronger more intense or strong or fucking fragile than teacups and fish bones. And she thought so too. she understood.
So i suppose her work gave me strength, and it let me know that what i was Painting,Seeing, Expressing, Feeling, was not  WRONG. It was Art.
Years and years later i fell for a person who was, unbeknownst to me, her best friend.
So we all became friends. And it felt like a family that i fit into even when i was covered with ghosts and paint.
And i have to remember. i HAVE to remember the strength i saw in her
bc that is the strength that is going to get me (us) through this...strong like teacups and fish.

muffin tops are cute, sorry but

i think they are. I am not totally comfortable with my body or whatever but...it is annoying that people think of names for body parts just to be jokes. like why is that funny? or bad? now 8 million lil girls are terrifed of the "dreaded muffin top." lame. I think muffin-tops are cute and i think my spider veins are pretty like lavender threads holding together the network of blood and hope that is me. Sorry Mrs Vanity. I still hate my saddlebags if that makesyou feel any better.
love,
me

A Solitary State

Sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have like 89 people telling me how awesome and spectacular and cool i am just so like, i could make it to my measly job. I'm pretty sure, knowing me, it would get real annoying real fast and im probably spill my coffee on someone and then curse. I forget that like, most people frown on cursing. I kinda invent a new curse word every time a pencil lead breaks. So once im going on and on to my theRapist and she said something like, you never really had a real support system. and i kinda trail off like...what? My family is all knitted close like a sweater. But...there was a lot of hiding there. No one knew or knows most of what i did or do. I went to therapy and all that to deal with it. I have a friend in rehab. I am freaking out, ya know? talking to her and calling and worrying and i think how come no body ever did this shit for me?
No body ever babied me. Of course for years I held my girl friends away and was like a parasite on some dude i was demanding be my BEST FRIEND until they demanded i be a WIFE. (um oops no sorry bye) Did i push people away? do I? To engage in an eating disorder and a self injury obsession and even a magical thinking twisted up depressive episode you have to hold people BACK. bc they can't know. bc for one - You cant continue the behavior without their judgement and 2 - well it is embarrassing. Or worse no one will believe you. Most ED sufferers think they are waaaay too fat to have an E.D.
When i opened up about things, very early, it was met with awkward rejection. so i just learned to stfu ya know? I had to hold on to some sense of self - I didn't pretend to be something i wasn't i just refrained from revealing much of anything...to anyone.
until art school.
that paint brush was  a wand that did not lie.
No one understood really,but that was okay.
This was my reality. soooo confusing to critique a painting that the professors thought was abstracted reality and I thought it was ACTUAL REALITY.
I see dead people. ha,ha no really. i am dead.
I will not allow myself to ever get that depressed again.
Will I have to sacrifice my art? creativity? i don't know but when people compare mental illness and creativity like it is some novelty i get real aggravated.
bc it is hard to say if was worth it. I did some of my best work in a horrible state of
starved paranoid stoned death lust panic....
was it worth it?
i wont do it again. if i cant help it, i wont do it again.
was i healing? yes. was it cathartic? yes.
Was the suffering and fear unimaginable to the point i feel terror at the thought of going back?
yes. Am i much better now? yes and more open with people, too.
I still won't admit things that happened. to anyone. ever. hardly.
but the thing is  - i mean no one really cares anyway.
sometimes that is a good thing. the anonymity of modern life.
im okay with it ,i have a thousand gods inside me.

It's where she lies

Brain in a Jar

Holey Moley I MADE it to my appointment and on TIME!! okaaaay almost on time..i was like 5 minutes late. But i was there and I felt like it went okay. I am going to start strattera AGAIN...in a different way and on a lower dose.
We shall see.
I had soooo many questions though.
about a TON of things.
But I don't even think she could answer most of them. I wish i could have tests done, i wish i could see and know what chemicals are spurting out and when and why. The roller coaster moods and the things i DO that don't even make sense to me.. Can i get a Manual for My Brain? Oh, well, it doesn't work that way.
Intrusive Thoughts? Bleh! I dont understand! i WANT to understand. I know that genius science brain doctors are still studying all this and there is no easy answer. This wanting to know, like, KNOW is a new thing for me. But if i could just see my chemical reactions during a panic attack on a graph or something... I don't know. Maybe i am grasping at threads...wanting a solid explanation for a fluid question? Ah do you feel separate from and curious about Your Brain?

Is this my Mask?

Sometimes I feel so tired..inside
This painting is old... a few years.
But it still rings true.

my brain is churning and these waves
of panic keep going over me.

I have to figure something out
I have to figure out whose mask this is

Sometimes i mourn the loss of each day
I know you have to look forward and
everything...
but i remember who I used to be and
it seems like that person is dead somewhere

the good of her
and thebad of her

life is about lettin go, i keep learning that.
I keep learning that i HAVE to let go...
 i have not learned how to do it and not let it HURT.
Do you just let the pain wash over you? do you just sit with it? it hurts SO bad.
I told someone two days ago that i was not depressed anymore but...
I think i was just not depressed at THAT moment.
each moment feels like a whole new mood. This is very exhausting.
I see the doctor tomorrow.

Unfinished Dream...

Pretty sure I suck right now...pretty sure i gained 15lbs since the wii post. pretty sure i said the wrong thing...like repeatedly. Pretty sure diuretics are harmless. pretty sure my therapist hates me. Okay, Not. Really.

I just screwed up my times and missed some appointments. and rescheduled and then missed those.

I sincerely wish that i could be the Strong One when everyone around me collapses but honestly
really
truly
i'm ready to fall most of the time.

Rejected!

Maybe my perception of the world and of people  is way off  - or maybe i am just strange (could be...) but my attempts at "joining" things - clubs, movements, organizations, etc is always met with - well. ReJeCTiOn. or at the least, AWKWARD.
I am pretty much a loner and always have been and I am pretty much okay with that. Actually I am tooooo "okay" with that - it scares me how much i LOVE silence and being alone. But that being said, I, of course do need people and lately, have been thinking that I have might actually have something to *GIVE* to the world. I am not sure what but i have an able body and I am not afraid to work.
This town sucks in a LOT of ways. It is small and old and most of the people are pretty narrow minded. But still. a SERVICE organization that is non profit surely would welcome able bodies to come and work...right? Nah. Nah, really, like I said, I could be way too sensitive about stuff but pretty sure - I just do not fit in here. And that is fine, bc i am pretty solid in my head about who i am and what I think is important...I may be too

Behind the Sun

I can't sleep and I would just like to say to no one in particular and everyone in the world, that i am LONGING for summertime and just spent 30 minutes looking at pics from the summer of 2008. (apparently I did not take  many pics summer of 2009 without The Boy which i do not want to look at for obvious reasons...like im trying to NOT BE SAD)
This is Louisiana and it does not get very cold here and the cold that we've had this year, I have tolerated better than other years. (prob bc i have more meat o'er these bones) However, the winter is getting to me, and it is NOT the cold or even the dead grass, IT IS THE DARKNESS. not, like, the band, ya know. The  ACTUAL lack of sunlight is getting to me. I need it. I need sunlight. I seriously am considering on of those heat lamp things that give you vitamin D or what have you. The Depression + the Dark of January + Anxiety does not a happy girl make.

holding my breath

i am so anxious right now, i feel like i have ants beneath my skin. Really my skin feels loose and wrong. my body feels enormous and the space i am in seems tiny. This pressure is waytoomuch
Maybe it is too much caffeine? Nothing feels real. i hate lunch. and i ate lunch.
my thoughts and ideas are Rushing....
and i want to run.

Something to Believe In

  

The news of past week or so has gone and left us shocked and reeling....The stories that keep rolling out of Haiti have many of us feeling forlorn bc there is nothing we can do....We see this suffering and this disaster and then .... go pay the phone bill. I mean, really, the world seems so off balance..you reach out with one hand...leave one hand on your heart...you might lose your balance or the  did world's spinning knock you down? Nothing is fair.
I watched several of MLK speeches today and cried. All my cynical friends say nothing has changed much...but I refuse to believe it. For all the evil parts of hearts I see....I can always find a golden one. Battered maybe...but wouldn't you rather fight on the side of Kindness, Grace, Justice, and Equality, even it is the side that appears to lose? I swear I would. I would. My heart can't lose.
I lost faith in a hell of a lot things... a lot of people...a lot of gods...a lot of drugs.....a lot of dreams. But listen, when I see a kind deed or hear a single whisper of encouragement...it explodes in my head...like sparks of color. That is where the truth is..those little moments when our heart strings brush together..in this giant tapestry of pain and confusion and pollution and wildflowers and disaster and shame and forgiveness and hope.  That is what we have  faith in. I don't know what else I have got here....The things that I can TOUCH are the things that I KNOW I can lose....these wisps in my heart and mind are the only things I know I can believe in. And I am trying really really hard to hold on and to press on against the darkness....

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr. 


Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. 
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Oh My Aging Face, Oh My Aching heart (time bomb)

 Oh my aging face, oh my aching heart.....PLUCK! fleur de what? Flower of life? 

You guys my mood is plummeting and I am struggling and listen, I am TERRIFIED of falling back down to Depressed.  Seriously, im - I'm Scared.  I am scared of getting sick again and I am scared of depression and i am scared of getting old. (there. i said it)

Here is what happened - I said to a friend, " I think I am gettin a double chin, i wonder if i have gained weight in my face" and the friend said, "oh no, you have not gained weight, as you get older your skin loosens and sags beneath your chin. It is okay, it just happens."  I THINK this person was attempting to console me bc they think i have a "fear of fat" but.... not sure. 

I went like this 

-  BLINK - blink  - blink.

 "i'm not feeling so well. i think i will go home now " 

Um. yeah. Not sure why, but i really did feel sick. Bc it's not like i didnt know that i was going to age like every living thing on earth. But the thing is...My whole life i thought that people trashed aging simply for Vanity reasons, you know, like how our culture loves youth and prettiness and this whole superficial thing.  But now that i am 31 it is dawning on me that when things change physically it is much more than just the physical that changes. Things HURT. People judge you and perceive in a whole new way. and you can't, like, wear striped toe socks pulled up to yr knees with rubber boots and a tie dye scarf and get away with it. I know that I still have time to salvage the wreckage of my life...I am just preparing myself now bc i feel like this is gonna be 10000x worse than puberty and honestly i barely survived that shit. BARELY.

I would be lying if i said i don't care about my appearance. I do, like most people. but the thing that bugs me, the thing that gets me, the thing that GOT ME in the beginning (AN) is having a body and not being able to CONTROL any of it. It is not that i care that i AM ugly/old/fat/short/pale/ its bc I CANT CONTROL ANY OF IT!!! and i cant control the way people (mainly dudes) perceive me!!! and comment on their perceptions. I tried to be invisible for so long. i wanted to fit in the tiniest box in the tiniest corner of the tiniest room of the most forgotten place on earth.....

but now i don't.

now i want to live. is it too late?

and my aching heart

and my aging face

are time bombs.

Sometimes I Seriously...

....have to ask myself why I can't be normal for, like, five minutes outta the day.
You ever feel like there are 23 million emotions coming in and you KNOW that whichever one you react to may very well make you appear ridiculous? So you are smashing down big giant tidal waves of emotion in order to like, pay the-about-to-get-cut-off-electric-bill, get back to work before break is up, walk the dog, brush teeth, find keys, and then go speak with this customer who is irate and rude for no real reason. That gets to me so much - dealing with total jerk-faces. So, this lady screamed at me on the phone yesterday at work. She was totally condescending and rude and I got completely totally upset. Really. Ruined my whole day. Still, I get angry thinking about it.... That incident totally propelled me downward into this spiraling thought process of "omg i am going to have to deal with horrible people forever even if i get another job or another job or another job or go back to school or even if i teach there are these people and they are out there and they are mean." I would rather be in a real life zombie horror movie than deal with the mundane every day jerkface, ya know? and i am nice! I am pretty committed to being Kind and Non Judgemental and Accepting and Non materialistic bc i think these things are important and I am TRYING to self actualize and *be the change i wanna see* and all that....But i find it to be very.veryveryveryveryDdDifficult. dif-DIFFICULT to exert CONTROL over my emotions.... even when i do breathing exercises. (yesIdo breathing exercises) Okay, but one thing is this:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt. 

and another one is this:

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.

-- Eric Hoffer

Getting Back to Awesome..

A million steps forward..one step back and WHAM-O! There I am in The Land of Disorderly Thinking. It SUCKS that I still struggle with this, but listen, I DO.  I hear the words underweight from a stupid machine and I'm ticking like a time bomb. It is like a SPELL WAS CAST. Really.
I was pretty proud bc i got through the holidays like a normal person. I ate around people and everything. And there were some panicky moments about possible OVER consumption but - I silenced them. Getting dressed went smoothly most of the time, you know? No neurotic fits over fabric touching skin -  snug? or not snug? looser? tighter? whatev, who cares! Enjoy these moments, self. Love this Life.....And i was kinda doing it, I thought.
But the thing with the boy..I mean, I freaked. I really did and I wanted to just slide back down into whatever it is I do to make real life go away. By "whatever," I mean, you know, smoke or drink or starve or si or just avoid or-- - pick your poison. But I didn't. I faced it. I talked about it, with my (few) friends and even my parents. I opened up. That is good. right? Isn't it?

It never goes away...or maybe it does, but i have to get ready to deal with it if it doesn't.
Bc today, deciding whether to eat lunch or not almost made me hyperventilate. and that ain't cool.
and it hasn't happened like that in a good long while.
i just wasn't prepared for the LONGING... It caught me off guard. I felt kinda fiendish.
Well. I am fixin to go Back to Awesome.
I am just going to have to deal with the fact that I may WANT to be hungry.
but i will eat anyway.
I am going to have to deal with the fact that I MAY very well
be struck with an overwhelming desire to smoke or drink or starve
suddenly and without warning
for the rest of my life.

That desire is a bitch.  BUT. I'm way cooler and stronger than it is.
I cant love my people as good when I am hungry.
and i want to love them the best i can.
and Me even. I am not punishing ME anymore.
cuz i did the best I could, ya know? and I bet you did, too.
and surely, I messed up sometimes -  and sometimes
I did it just right.

either way, it is gonna be just fine. I can deal with it.

Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall and Patti Smith  didn't get a prize for being hungriest.
Neither did Elizabeth Cady Stanton or  Kathe Kollwitz.

and neither will I.

Focus

The wii told me i was underweight today. I would be lying if I said that this did not give me big sense of relief.
On xmas, The wii said I was low normal. I thought I had gained since then, but apparently not (if the wii is to be believed.)

I did not ask the wii my actual weight, to be on the safe side, and to show off how NOT NEUROTIC I am. Nice option, there, wii. Thanks for considering that. (really, whoever had that idea should get a gold star -  you can opt to not know the numbers)
the Not Neurotic thing...that worked well.
right? RIGHT?!
sigh.
Yes, I will focus on anything in order to focus on nothing.

and i will admit that i feel pretty ashamed for feeling pleased
for having lost weight im feeding the monster

My Moral Code Got Lost In Translation

If you want to torture me seriously, make me listen to extremely privileged ADULT people whine about tiny insignificant common things like, oh, standing in line. My head will explode. Really. Bc, yah, I am totally spoiled, okay. I like fashion-y stuff and new clothes and shiny things and sleeping late and all that but god, the idea that I am too much of a princess to have to endure lowly-common-people things like sneezing or getting stuck in a traffic jam is ridicuLOUSSssss. I mean sure i *WISH* i could just float around in a castle all day wearing, you know, velvet and glitter and perfectly deconstructed demin but i'm not going to ACT like it!! or treat others as if I am supposed to be wearing a crown.
Am i gettin' old? (yesssss)  bc i am thinkin'
 crotchety old man things like 'kids today don't know nothin' about work'  and wishing for nothing more than to send the Name Brand Lovers to sweat shops in India for a day.

Life does suck in oh.so.many.ways. And while I completely, totally understand being a total LUSH about some things -  there has to be some kind of balance, here right? I mean if you ever start to think you are too good to wash a dish by hand then uh....some humility may be needed realquicklike


I kinda blame the celebrity culture worship thing ( i don't get that at all. Like, at all - what is so great about appearance? uh..nothing. Give me MadameCurie or JaneGoodall, please. pleeeeeeze!) Being exposed to a false, plastic, unattainable, perfect world since birth can not be good for a mind that is forced to live in a wretched, imperfect world. I know there are a jillion anthropological articles on this  - from Margaret Mead onward -  but I'm not researching here (unfortunately i am work).

Honestly, the vanity and selfish nature I despise in others is the same vanity I despise in myself. I acknowledge that materialism and a shallow focus on appearance is pretty immoral, though. And I strive to NOT be that way. but I am looking around going holyshite! these people are totally comfortable and fine and accepting of vanity. and now I'm  just confused. cuz i think it sux, yo.

•And im not trying to sound like a martyr here, either - im just ruminating.

••(and when i say vanity,  I don't mean wanting to look yr best, or take care of yrself or anything. I mean that Extreme Belief that looking yr best is more important than even being KIND or looking yr best means looking better than everyone else)

Living Well...In progress

Living well..is the best Revenge. You every heard that? Someone told me that and I'm like whoa now! Hang on, wait a minute. I don't want revenge! I am a little bit angry at my ex (maybe a few of them) about specific things that did not go how I predicted or wanted, but my god. I certainly don't hate anyone and I do not want anyone in my past (or present) to think that  I did not care about them or that they were easy to get over or shake off. A human being, and my relationship with them, romantic or otherwise, is nothing I would ever blow off. EVER.
And The Boy That Asked..well he is pretty amazing. And if I saw him right now..not sure if i would hug him or punch him. The last thing i said to him was "leave me alone." Emotions are way complex and I can be too impulsive.. dont trust myself-compulsive..unpredictable. Slighly manic usually a slightly sad daydreaming disaster..but my EGO. My ego does not require the pain of another person....I generally despise causing pain to others (yep i'm totes a masochist lol)
I think the proposal threw me for a an 8 mile loop bc i knew it was an Ultimatum. And i knew I could not say yes. So that meant it was Over.
I hate Over.

(this is what the painting in the previous post turned into)

what i do

Well the anger has subsided and now I am back to sad again.
I have not spoken to him, but I am sure he is doing fine...My emotions tend to be so complex and looooong. Really, do you feel the same sadness in waves forever? Is that being human? So funny how old I feel, but still feel I have soooo much to learn about living.
Here is a pic of my studio space.
I am painting and I am living.
Lots to learn about both
 This is what I do.
and I am not giving up.

Fairy Tale Shoes

You know how in Once Upon A Time there was always a prince to kiss, a spell to break, or some red ballet shoes or maybe golden ones or glass slippers or something?..... well these are my fairy tale shoes. They are Steel Toe. and Water Reistant. And of course they hurt my feet. I don't own  them but i want them... in real life )bc i have a total Red Shoe Fetish) and in my fantasy world) bc i need a new power prop.)





Kick Punch Stomp Dance. Blare Modest Mouse as LOUD as i can and drum the hell outta my steering well. Drink Champagne. Paint paint paint. Draw. I miss my friends, they are all scattered out....I exhaust myself trying to visit all of them and then some get left out and my heart is like, GAPING open.

So the sadness and shock and WTF of the marriage proposal has faded and now i am just angry. Angry at how SELFISH people are....Real love means pressuring someone to do WHAT you want them to do, ignoring what is best for them, putting your giant ego first and never listening.
Real love means playing on other people's sympathy to get exactly what you want.
Real love means using Passive Aggression Manipulation to get what you want.
No. Not it doesn't.
So I am wise enough to know that i DONT KNOW what real love is EXACTLY
but i am wise enough to know what it IS NOT.

Oh and I don't mind being the bad guy. I'll be the evil one. Yeah, i said NO. Because it was the RIGHT thing to do. Not the Easy Thing and certainly not the Fun Thing (i kinda think it would be bad ass to plan a wedding and then move outta this state)
But i sure as hell know that "to death to us part" is a loooooooong time. Have you ever seen someone who is 76....Do you love them enough to bring them their walker? bed pan? wash out their feeding tube or trach? The glamour of love fades fast. and i am not giving my life to a person who finds a fish too much trouble to keep. I don't go in a tank. I can't be returned when i am too much trouble. I am a not a roller coaster that you can just *get off*  and *on* when you want.
This is REAL LIFE. This is IT. but I'll be a witch in red shoes if need be.
But don.t pressure me
i did the right thing

and the winner is....

Miss Maladaptive Universe 2009


will be


passing down her crown.


Very soon.


(has soon as Miss 2010 gets it together....
and gets down here)

Owl know it when i see it!

Merry Christmas to  me! my co-worker Cat gave me this Owl and i LOVE it. It is on my computer at work. We added the skulls for dramatic effect..and because I can't help but be slightly creep-tacular.
Isn't she pretty?

formspring.me

when was the last time you were happy?

last night falling asleep in my rickety green bed in the leaky house by the river with my awesome warm dog in the the room next to my super cool roommate

Ask me anything

What I was tryin' to do...

was learn the difference between love and obsession. Gimme a break!
 I am trying to self actualize, here.
I have a less than stellar romantic history.

I have a roaring heart
and a wandering ghost.

I can't make either one
 wear a chain
of silver, metal, steel, gold or glass...

okay well maybe glass...

not waving but drowning*

 I am at my desk. At work. I go far away in my head and then I am gasping. Oh,yeah. Breathe, stupid. I do that when I worry..Hold my breath, that is. I twirl my thumb around my blank left ring finger and think what if?
What if i went AGAINST my gut?
Do you have any idea how HARD is for me to trust people?
No. You can't.

tell me something to change what i believe
tell me something to change me

It feels so desolate inside me...there is no one there.

I keep people at arm's length bc I do not trust most of them.
I mean it sucks, kinda.....

But my intuition is a flying roaring soaring beast
and i dare not fight her...

"this is not the time"

But really i can't win either way.....

"Not Waving but Drowning" is a poem by British poet Stevie Smith published in 1957 as part of a collection of the same title

a picture is worth 10000000 words

Who am i?

So when i was a kid, most girls talked about how when they grew up, they would get married and have a kid or 3 or 6 or whatever. The idea sounded NOT COOL to me. It sounded boring and like a lot of work and doing other people's dishes. And getting pressured and bossed around. Ima be an artist. Ima have lots of friends and paint and grow things. Right?
But still...everyone evenutally grows up and gets married, I mean it is, like, expected and shit. Plus you get a tax break. Every girl dreams of her wedding day for her whole life! right?
um....

So what the hell is WRONG with me?

Because an amazing person asked me to completely out of the freaking blue most unexpected thing ever marry them. WTF? In all my grace and total sophisticated style I.....reacted by hitting him and subsequently having a panic attack. right. smooooth. go me. I suck. can i get another beer then?
But for serious - last week I had gotten a letter from him that said "I never want to speak to you again" and then he deleted from all social networking sites.  The DELETION was a reaction to a letter I sent to him. A letter full of very difficult questions such as - Your job is strenuous; how will we handle it? and Could you ever stop doing drugs for me?
I got no answer. I got deleted. Then -
I got a marriage proposal.
In my defense and with all due respect - WTF?
I'm so confused and flustered and I just really want(ed) to take a knife to my arms.
All i kept thinking was you don't know me, you don't even know me, you don't know who i am 
so then xmas day i just cried a lot. Like, a LOT (merry merry xmas!!!) and finally talked to my parents, who were really bewildered since they have never met this person before. (this is significant only my family is super duper almost way too close)
I am pretty sure that people think I am afraid to move far from my family. No. I am dying to get the hell out of Louisiana. I just am very very wary of donating the rest of my one life to the dream of a person I don't know that well. and it sucks that everyone thinks i am being a bad person for that. So I am  very sad. Sad for good, it seems like.

And then she did....

 okay ya'll. I have done really really good in spite of the emotional distress(more about this later).But I am running of Steam. Running of fake smiles (i only has 432 and i'm down to, like, 3)One more big event..the hardest one...huge family gathering.... ima-be-just-fine***crossing fingers here ***

Merry Christmas and Happy Winter

Xmas party with my besties!! I am on right obvs, and my roommate is dressed in colorful patterns - this is worth mentioning bc she is usually in black and i am usually wearing 27 colors and 5 different patterns.

So we enjoyed a party at my parents house in the woods and it was fabulous except for when my mom started yelling bc I set my beer (shiner bock:D) in the manger scene. It was preeeeeeteeee shameful - she is like, "YOU SET IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF BABY JESUS." Okay, my parents do not drink, and only recently have I  been able to drink around them without feeling like a total jackass... and then i go and be all sacrilegious to the manger scene :( 

It was okay though; laughter ensued.

Anyway, i was really dreading the holidays this  year. Around Halloween I started getting this "ugh" feeling about it. Honestly, though, the season has been great. Really, having the friends I have .....not to brag ya know..... but for years and years I really shut everyone out. I just made out with E.D. and the team of Anxieties, ya know? and....I think part of this whole "becoming" thing involves allowing other people to SEE you....something I was always afraid to do.

Still, I only have a FEW people I get close to, but the are made with the awesome. 

So I put up a tree this year, but I did not decorate like usual  - with bones and shells and spider rings, hee hee . I do that, usually, just gather things from the year....things that had meaning. ...the shells from the beach vacation in July, and and the antlers i found on a camping trip....lotus pods...ect. But this year i let it go. I am in a new house, so i just BOUGHT some new ornaments and....I don't know...

maybe it is somewhat detached.

But for people like me, people who can cave into themselves...that can be a good thing. Detachment. Hi, normal! its me! Nice to meet you... yeah, yeah, yeah...Merry Christmas and Happy Winter!!

 (lovin the corpse bride, though!)

Summit (Thankful)

This is a pic of me and my mama, from when we went to Atlanta to visit my sister in the spring of 2008. When I start to fall, in my head, I, too try to think of things I am Thankful for. And she is most definitely one.

I am thankful for who she IS and what an awesome sweet mother she was while raising me, but one thing that is really relevant to my blog is this: I am very thankful for the way she handled my eating disorder.


At the time I was baffled and confused. Later, I was convinced she over reacted and tried to make something be WRONG with me, when i was FINE. fine fine fine fine
But Now. Now it is different. At 31, hindsight is clearer. Even though my mama INSISTED that i go inpatient and get treatment and then stick with a therapist (two hours away. we did a lot of driving) SHE NEVER LET THAT DISORDER DEFINE ME. Somehow she made a balance between getting me the help I needed, letting me know this was super serious, yet never allowing this issue to overwhelm  us or become something that everyone connected me with.
Not to say that there were NEVER screaming fits or silent treatments or glares over meals or any of that.  Oh, there was.  Never the less, our family life did not revolve around my health. I was not doted on, this sickness was not who i was and she made sure it did not overshadow any other facet of my existence. Even when she thought I may very well die, she focused on the strength of my character and the life I could ruin if I gave in. She made sure my day to day life continued as normally as possible and that I participated in life as normally as possible.

and for that i thank her. in my heart. every day.

Many E.D.s (well certainly mine) have MUCH to do with identity and about BECOMING and about not insisting that the only power you have is the power to refuse. and although I am still becoming, SHE is one of the reasons that the woman I am becoming is a person of worth and hope and love and honesty and integrity. and I am Thankful.

PLUMMET

Everytime things get difficult people always bail on me.
By people I mean Men. My girlfriends are always there with a mop and a bucket, ya know?
I keep dating men who don't want a partner, they want a FAN.
its okay its okay its okay its okay its okay
everything is going to be just fine just fine just fine just fine
I am going to be just fine.
just fine
just fine
just fine

better than fine
better than fine










 i don't i don't i don't

I do. I do exist. I do and one day, somebody is gonna tell my some pretty words and then
actually have the guts to back them up.And if they don't
and if that never happens
i am still going to be
just fine
just fine.

Pics fromajourneythroughimages

Focus in the Fog

Went walking on Sunday, a damp and foggy day.

Damp and foggy in my head, too.

jumbled and vague..i miss the strattera.

she gave me some samples for a lower dosage thatmay not kill my stomach, but of course i LOST THEM. My mom found them so I need to get them back but should i really start it again? It is not for long term use, I will just have to stop again eventually. Behavior modification is not working so well.

Here is a painting from sunday morning.
watercolor and pen and ink and pencil

Art on Arielle's blog!

Yay! I am featured on Arielle's blog,  Actively Arielle, for her Featured Art Project,  Calling All Art! Show & Tell and Giveaway.. The idea was to make recovery art- strictly recovery - (as opposed to art about Eating Disorders) that expressed your personal feelings about your path to a better you. (She has received many cool entries, you should check them out) 
Something else important about this blog is that  it is not for the faint of heart! Let me clarify - Actively is the appropriate word in her title. There is no room for the maybe-kinda-sorta-not-really-prorecovery minded. This is, of course, not to say that if you are not very far along in recovery you are not welcome - you are. It is just that her dedication to REAL RECOVERY can be felt in her writing and her voice and her words. She explores the less glamourous sides of recovery such as simply getting dressed and buying clothes (the Anxiety of Clothing is immeasurable for most ED sufferers) and answers tough questions about self love/self hate. This blog can be extremely helpful and it can make you uncomfortable - in a good way. 
After you name something, that thing becomes harder to ignore. After you recognize your dedication to recovery and size 2 (i am maintaining im fine shut up) ignoring that little OCD tendency flickering inside becomes harder. (I randomly chose size 2. Recovery can be size 0 for some, size 12 for some; everyone is a different genetic bundle) I suppose acceptance is the key word here. and Acceptance can be hard bc Life Is Not Fair! 
But Acceptance is one key to the cage, my friend!
S

Key - New Orleans, 2005, watercolor pencil, ash, mixed media

Cane RIver

I live on the Cane River and I really like living close to water. Even though I am in the middle of town, there is a whole little ecosystem out here of birds and snakes and fish and turtles (all of which i love). My lil dog and I go exploring on the river daily, and even though I have plenty of neighbors, I rarely see anyone out there. So the thing that I find confusing is why one my neighbors felt the need to dump a whole thanksgiving turkey on the riverbank. My dog was ecstatic like OMG ITS JUST FOR ME and I'm thinking "holy crap is that whole cooked turkey?" I am vegetarian so I was double horrified..and amused. Not even sure that it was a turkey - some kind of carcass. Cooked. So then I go the other way and find a huge pile of sausage gumbo. Ellie is leaping at this point...she grabbed a sausage before I pulled her away....she was acting like someone left it just for her. 

Anway random food in odd places aside, I am stopping the Strattera due to extreme gastrointestinal distress  (I will not post details about that) but altering brain chemistry is......making me feel I am in Wonderland. And giving me nightmares. And body image confusion. And it kinda sucks bc the medicine did work for me...not including the side effects from Hades.


Here is a pastel i did a few weeks ago.

I believe in a bone fragmented memory

I am 14 years old. I am thinner that I have ever been and I am in the bathtub staring down at my body with the usual feeling of intense alienation. I am full grown; I was full grown by 12. I found this repulsive so I tried to stop it. Now I’m older but smaller…and I only want even smaller. Staring at hipbones  beneath water…beneath skin. I want to see them closer. Really really see them. Are they really there? Are they white? Staring staring….It occurs to me quite suddenly that there is really NOTHING I can do to change the shape of my bones. Bones are solid, right?  ….and wide and thick and strong. They won’t be shrinking well they? I Stare. Immersed in water and complete powerlessness. I am a helpless soul trapped in this uncontrollable bone machine.  Is it true? …at some point there is nothing else you can do?….You can’t go any farther. Right? I begin fantasize about breaking bones and re constructing them. This seems horrible and I shudder and get up. And I dry off.

And I  get better

And I get worse

And at 17 I get hospitalized and diagnosed.

And at 31 I  write this.*

*This is supposed to go along with this drawing . But I can’t get all these bits and fragments of thoughts and images to add up. I know now, that Bones can be damaged to the point that they shrink, and surgeons can and do alter them. But as a kid I didn’t know it. I imagined them as steel. And it’s a good thing I did. It’s a good thing I believed in bones.